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Sometimes I want to go back

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by lonewolf79, Nov 12, 2016.

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  1. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    Just talking is helping .. thank you :slight_smile: It's nice to know that I am not alone out here ...

    I went through the "I am straight" routine... I even forced myself to have crushes on girls... never went on a date though... never kissed a girl ... nothing. I had no luck at all. After coming out, I thought it would be different. The one "acquaintance" said it would most definitely be... but I would have to frequent clubs and bars and such... and he knew that was not my scene at all. My friends now are all female... give or take some male friends online. I don't mind it really... but of course, I get told I am going to struggle ...
    After I came out, there was no way the genie was going back in the bottle although I wish I could do it...
    I am here to chat too :slight_smile: Thanks for replying... it does help to talk... gets my thoughts in some kind of order for the day :slight_smile:
     
    #21 lonewolf79, Nov 21, 2016
  2. BiDad3

    BiDad3
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    Dear LoneWolf

    I also live in Cape Town, and I know what you mean about the projected gay culture here and what you should do, who you should be and how many guys you should attempt to seduce. I am here to give you hope!

    My boyfriend and I have been together now for over 3 years. We are what we call "boring gays". We don't club, we don't cruise, we don't use online apps (ironically we did meet on a gay dating site though :slight_smile:) Our idea of a good time is: a walk along the Sea Point promenade on a Friday evening after a busy week and then maybe an ice-cream at the creamery; a park run on a Saturday morning; a picnic in the Company Gardens; an evening in watching Twitch or playing PS4. We don't conform to any normal stereotype and we don't care. And if this could happen to me deep in my 30s, after many years as a closeted "straight" man with kids, it can certainly happen for you.

    I am also on the chubby side, but my bf loves that. It's definitely not a deal breaker for the right person. You don't have to lose weight to start living the life you want to live - You just need to decide to start living it!

    And be kind to yourself.

    I don't know you at all, but you seem articulate, creative, dedicated (music lessons), responsible, caring (looking after your parents), etc. etc. All of these are brilliant qualities in any bf. Focus on these things that you have, the other things really don't matter.

    If you ever feel the need to chat, hit me up - we can keep it purely as online friends or you could even join us on one of our Friday evening walks.

    Good luck bud, the life you deserve is just waiting for you to accept it!(&&&)
     
    #22 BiDad3, Nov 22, 2016
  3. luke564

    luke564
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    ^ Amazing
     
    #23 luke564, Nov 22, 2016
  4. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    Hi there...

    This message, my friend, brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your reply. Thank you for some background.

    It is nice to know that I am not the only one in Cape Town who is not into the whole scene business... I don't club at all. I went out of curiosity with my first bf (he basically dragged me on more occasions, knowing I did not enjoy it). I definitely don't cruise... Honestly I wouldn't know how... and I am also one of the "boring gays".
    I will fill you in more about my story... it has as many downs as there are ups.

    Your idea of a good time sounds lovely! I haven't been to the Promenade in years and I have only driven by once since I returned to Cape Town earlier this year. I haven't even walked on a beach yet since coming home :slight_smile:

    I would like to be online friends and keep chatting. And maybe a walk one Friday would be lovely.

    Thank you for your kindness and again for your reply message.
     
    #24 lonewolf79, Nov 23, 2016
  5. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    Agreed! I cried when I read the above message.

    It is a great feeling knowing you and the others from this thread.

    How are you doing?
     
    #25 lonewolf79, Nov 23, 2016
  6. BiDad3

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    Hi LoneWolf

    It is my pleasure! Sometimes the prisons we build for ourselves are so isolating and constraining, but also invisible to us - we get trapped by our own thoughts and ideas, never realising that there is so much goodness in the world. And so much goodness in us too.

    I would suggest getting some seasand on those feet. Feeling the cool ocean breeze after a long day. Getting some seagull poop on your cars windscreen! :slight_smile: These moments can bring us back to what is real and what is important. Bring us back to ourselves.

    There are many ups and many downs in all our lives (I know as well as anyone else), but you are on the up and we as a community can help to lift you higher.

    Keep well bud! You are on the right path. :thumbsup:
     
    #26 BiDad3, Nov 23, 2016
  7. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    Thanks again for the reply.

    Yeah I must be the king of self-prison-building... I have kept myself in one since forever...I felt really isolated overseas and I still do...

    I definitely need to get to the beach. Any beach. Well... one where I can see the Mountain :slight_smile:

    I hope I can stay on the up ... and thank you for offering to stick by ...

    Keep well and have a lekker weekend.
     
    #27 lonewolf79, Nov 24, 2016
  8. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    Thank you all for your messages :slight_smile:
     
    #28 lonewolf79, Nov 25, 2016
  9. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    Hi there...

    Howzit going? :icon_wink
     
    #29 lonewolf79, Dec 4, 2016
  10. OnTheHighway

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    Lonewolf, how is the time filled during the days? Rather than getting involved with the "scene" per se, have you considered getting involved in other LGBT related organizations? There are more ways to meet guys besides apps, bars and clubs. There are social groups, charitable groups, sport leagues, etc etc etc.

    Maybe as a first step, take some spare time a volunteer somewhere?


    Reading your response on another thread, you mention your mother is controlling. Is there a codependency issue between the two of you? Regardless of where you live or how you live your life, have you been able find independence from your mother?
     
    #30 OnTheHighway, Feb 21, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2017
  11. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    During the days, I am at work. I'm a lecturer and I have a pretty tight schedule plus there's lesson planning, research for class etc... and I take private music lessons for classical guitar. Occasionally I play flute and violin (I started these over 20 years ago but don't play much anymore).

    I have considered getting involved in other areas and volunteering but I haven't come across anything here in CT. I see tons of things happening overseas. Also, I think it would be hard to explain at home that I am going to volunteer for an LGBT organisation as some family members are all about the money... and since it would be gay related, it would not go over well. It's not so much that I want a relationship - far from it - I have let that ship sail... but knowing no other gay person in this city is just odd. And since the world is moving more and more towards apps, I move further away.

    There is a dependency issue but from her side, not mine. I am quite independent and can be by myself just fine but since my folks can't afford to pay for rent etc, I help out. I go without so that the household can go on. I push to be more independent but it usually results in arguments so now I just keep quiet, and spend most of my time in my room with my music or watching some show. I am too tired to keep fighting and it gets me no where anyway. She will never stop. It's just who she is. I sound mean but that's the truth. My friends can see it. Even when I lived abroad, she still had control over me and my finances. That is also a reason why I won't date again... as long as she has so much say... my first bf and I used to argue after she'd call etc... I don't want that kind of drama again. Ever. I just feel so lost... if I am not busy then all I think about is wanting to be normal and/or fade our of existence.
     
    #31 lonewolf79, Feb 21, 2017
  12. OnTheHighway

    OnTheHighway
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    Then you are keeping yourself in your own box. Your worried about what other people think as to how you spend your spare time??? Your 37 years old!

    Not so sure your that independent based on the first paragraph.

    sounds like your number one issue right now is your mother. Are you married to her or do you want to be married to partner you can love?
     
    #32 OnTheHighway, Feb 21, 2017
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