i know this may sound strange, but i can't seem to cry lately. i'm in love with a straight guy, who accepts that i'm gay, but obviously he can't love me back in that way, and right now is one of those times that this fact is painfully clear because he doesn't need to talk to me the way i need to talk to him, it sounds silly, but this particular post is triggered by a text he didn't answer today. what i'm really trying to do is get over him and move on with my life. i'd rather just be his friend than not know him at all. i feel like crying is a sort of sign that i've given up and something in me will change so that it doesnt happen again. but not crying means that i'm still holding onto the hope and possibility that some miracle will happen and he's going to change. i don't know what to do anymore because while he's in my thoughts i'm not even interested in any other guys, and i know that finding something new to concentrate on is the easiest way to move on, and i can't just ignore him for a little while because i don't want him to think my feelings for him will ever stop us from being friends. so right now i really feel like an emotional yo-yo, i feel fantastic for a week because we'll hang out every day or spend time planning to hang out (we don't go to school together so we hang out whenever we can squeeze in the time), and even though i should know better, it always makes me believe he may return my feelings; and then it seems as soon as i believe that, i wont see him for the next week, he hardly responds and he'll seem very distant as if last week doesnt exist, and i feel like he's tired or bored of me and that's something i can't stand, but that alternation is so predictable, and every other week i feel reality stab like a dull knife. so right now is a low week, he didn't respond to my text, we hung out a little yesterday but it was short and unfulfilling, and we currently have no plans to hang out in the future. what i want is to "need" him less, and just be satisfied to love him as a friend. if you got through all of that, thank you. i doubt there's a quick fix, but i appreciate any advice. i know i digressed a lot into story mode, but my main concern is actually my recent inability to cry. i'm worried that my heart is beginning to go numb, and not being able to physically express how i feel is going to drive me insane somehow.
Welcome to EC . Unfortunately you are right that there is no quick fix. However I get the feeling that you do try to spend as much time with him as possible, which will make it much harder to get over the crush. You don't need to cut off all contact or ignore him, but just follow his lead and perhaps tone it down a bit. For those weeks when you don't meet up, make sure you are doing something to occupy yourself. I understand that it's not particularly helpful advice because I've been in the same position as you, but reducing contact a bit and putting my mind on other things is what works for me. In regards to crying, it's only one outlet of emotion. The fact that you've posted your feelings here shows that you definitely aren't emotionally numb (I don't seem to be able to cry either, I can get pretty close but never seem to go over the edge).
You have to accept the possibility that he may never love you back. And make that your mindset.. try to be satisfied with the friendship, dear. >< I know it`s hard.. but at least we`ll stay in their lives longer that way, right?
Hi hplsromantic. *puts on his seemingly insensitive pr**k hat* My layman's $.02? Your being in love with a str8 guy is about as workable as a young lady being in love with you. Please consider weaning yourself from this impossible love interest via an immediate period of separation from your friend before you really get hurt. After you've gotten over him and have given your heart to someone else who will truly cherish you, then you may resume a purely platonic friendship with your straight friend. If at that point you once again begin to feel unduly drawn to him, then please initiate another period of separation. Repeat & rinse until your heart genuinely belongs to one whose heart will be equally yours. Please forgive my bluntness, but IMO a head-on approach is required here.
Welcome to EC! The only fixes for an unrequited crush (be it gay, straight, whatever) are distance, activity and time. You need to give yourself more time away from this guy, so you stop "falling for him again" each time you see him. And not just physical distance - you need to text him and FB him and IM him less. Next, you need to keep busy. You can't simply NOT deal with him - you need to deal with other people. Not necessarily other guys you might want to date. You just need to be social. Go hang out with other friends, or with your family, or your co-workers. Meet new people. Start playing volleyball, or volunteer, or something to keep you occupied, and put you in front of other people. The rest is just time. It won't happen today or tomorrow. But eventually, you'll like him as a friend again, and you can start hanging out with him as such. Lex
thanks guys, i have been trying to do all of this stuff, actually what's really annoying that i neglected to mention is i felt like i've "gotten over" him twice already, it just apparently wasn't all the way, or else he's just attracted me again. i should know better, actually i do know better, but he's a couple years younger than me, and everything he does reminds me of myself two years or so ago. it keeps tricking my mind into believing he's just closeted and one of these days he'll come out--i wont cite specific examples because i know it's inconsequential, unless he tells me something different, i should believe he's straight. i have a little personal problem with being social, not that i can't be; i tend to like people and even like talking to strangers sometimes (how i met him in the first place actually), but i really dislike the general population at my university, the vast majority is very good at looking at people as "connections" rather than people. i guess i'm going to answer my own problem here and say that i should probably go visit the local LGBT community center. i'm going to continue to try to follow whatever advice i can get, but i have to say, i have a very hard time saying no to him, and i'd literally have to lie if he did want to hang out because more likely than not, we have a similar lifestyle and it's not necessarily common, so we would end up in the same place doing the same thing. part of the reason that i feel so close to him is because he's the only person i've ever met that so closely matches my interests.
"...part of the reason that i feel so close to him is because he's the only person i've ever met that so closely matches my interests." Ahh... What are your interests?
^haha mostly surfing, surfboards, mexican food, we can often be found quoting family guy south park and spongebob, neither of us is a big partier, not liking all those "top 40 playlist" type of music, active living, neither of us follows sports teams, not believing in God, we've even talked about how we think getting rich and buying a big house and fancy stuff is just a big waste, we're smart but not driven by grades, we can be a bit introverted, we hate politics and he's made it clear that he doesnt approve of gay bashers..uhh lots of stuff basically.
You're still talking like you two are a couple. Have you Googled about to find any local G2Gs with other LGBT'ers who share some of your interests (forums, blogs, university clubs)? Expanding your circle of acquaintances will increase your odds of meeting Mr. Better-for-you. IMO finding a real boyfriend would be best for you, your friend (since he's str8) and your long term platonic friendship with him. ---------- Post added 25th Jan 2011 at 09:17 PM ---------- BTW. Not that I know anything about relationships. It's just that I wouldn't waste time barking up the wrong tree when there are so many lonely gays out there who are dying to find a real boyfriend who will hold & cuddle them and make the world seem right no matter how wrong it can be at times.
oh i actually misinterpreted the question. i thought you were asking what our common interests were. i was a member of my school's LGBT club for a while, but i left when i realized they were all really shallow and cliquey, i also tried to email a gay surf club in my area a while back but there were probably so few members that it disbanded. i think at this point my best hope is literally meeting a guy by chance. i'm really trying to let thoughts of Me&Him go, but well, that's the part i'm having the most trouble doing..
Hmm... Are there any LGBT community centers nearby which would let you do volunteer work? Those who volunteer their time to aid others are usually deeper and more interesting than the 'add me' crowd. Are there any on-campus computer clubs? Folks there may know something of use to your social needs.
don't know about computer clubs. i only just know how to set my desktop background, and i'm not a big believer in meeting people online. i've tried it before and it always feels so odd even when i'm not expecting a relationship, people just arent the same online as in person. i really have been meaning to volunteer at the LGBT community center though. i've had an email draft ready to send for about 6 months now that i just haven't gotten around to. guess that should be my first step huh..
That's your ticket then. If it's anything like this one... http://www.the519.org/ ...then it'll be the social hub of your local LGBTQ community's often hidden opportunities. Just be willing to lend a hand with anything & everything and eventually folks there will come to appreciate & depend upon you. Soon 'word will get around about that 'nice new boy' and you'll begin meeting young men who amount to proper boyfriend material.
i just sent an email telling them a little about me and asking for details on anything i might be able to do, so hopefully i get a response from someone soon. thanks for sticking by me through all that. one of my friends told me it sounds like i'm legitimately in love with this guy, which i actually believe since it's the only crush i've ever had where lust isn't even a factor, but at least i've got the push to start doing something to move on. i worry though, if i did meet another guy, i feel like i'd leave him if my friend ever did come out to me, and that's not really fair. although i guess that's something to worry about if/when the time comes..anyway, thanks.
1) Your friend is straig... put it this way: are you gonna pitch for the other team any time soon?.. (CAUTION: IME - a long time ago - some str8 guys would let me 'please' them but there's no way in hell any of them would or could ever love me. My advice would be to say a polite NO to any sexual advances made to you by selfishly horny straight males because you might become emotionally attached to them. Please stay with gays.) 2) Only an insensitive mutt would do that to a nice boy--and you seem to be quite sensitive (ie boyfriend material )
no i decided a long time ago i'd never even kiss him if he was just "experimenting." i just have a hard time believing he's straight because he reminds me so much of myself when i was closeted. at the moment, i just don't know if i can handle closing myself to that as a possibility, it feels like denial is keeping me sane while it's also driving me insane. i just wish that part of my heart had an on/off switch.
Sometimes, a love unrequited can be a life time... it's a scary thought, but in my case I still have feelings for someone I've known for 9 years and I havent seen him in 6, but whenever I think of him, I still have feelings. If it really doesn't go away, then stay strong, stay distracted, and stay occupied. It is not something that bothers me anymore, because, actually when you recognize it for what it is, fully recognize, actually, you can simply let it go. Letting go doesn't mean you have to stop loving something, letting go means finding peace in his happiness. Think about that cliche.
Well, let that one simmer on a back burner while you focus on cultivating new friendships with folks who make room in their lives for others, OK? Please keep us posted. What's extra cool about you and others who come here for help is that in doing so you've initiated a written record which has the potential to help many others for many years. Thus your volunteer work has already commenced.
