Some TW: mentions of cutting and suicide.

I went to visit my relatives today and was really left in an emotional mess. Not in a bad way, but we had a little heart to heart with my aunt. I learned new things about my aunt.

I talked to my aunt and cousin about depression, suicide and my aunt told me something that I never knew about her. I never knew she used to cut herself. There are lots of mental health issues within my family and relatives too.

We also had a chat about self expression and they said they wanted to take me shopping and said how, when I cut my hair and posted a pic about it how I shined. My aunt told me that I can always go there, if anything is ever wrong. It really brought tears to my eyes. My aunt is an kindergarten teacher and she lets her children, who now have already moved out, always do whatever they wish with their looks and so on. My cousin told me that I get taken advantage of by my family, what I do agree with. I have a lot of health issues, yet all the responsibilities fall on me. When they said the want to help us a little, with maintaining our home, then I get apprehensive about asking any help at all, because I know my parents don't like it, when others go through our stuff and help with cleaning. My house is old and not in the best state. I'm basically trying to maintain old two story house, with a garden by myself and while attending uni and doing job searching and helping out my parents, but failing.

I'm incredible torn about if I should tell them. In the surface they seem supportive, but I don't know what hides beneath. I'm mistrusting and scared to death.

While writing this just tears started falling.

 

I'm going to tell just my aunt first. Need to choose a time, when she is free to talk to me a little bit. I want to tell her face to face and not through messenger.

 

Thank you guys for listening me. I tend to be very independent and perfectionist, so it's hard to admit to myself, that there are things that I can't handle.

I will update after I have come out to my aunt about being transgender and her reaction to it.

 

Thank you. I will try.

It's just that even within my own family and relatives I have felt I don't fit in the picture. It has made me feel incredibly lonely before.

I have had always trouble making real friends. And I feel like I don't wish to talk about it all to my friend now, because she just wouldn't understand. I wish I had friends near me, who I could talk to about all of the struggles and who wouldn't be my family members. I need to take time to go to one of the trans support groups too.

 

I'm not sure. They always invite me over to their apartment. My cousin (my aunts daughter) and me are born in the same month, she just turned 32 in april (few days ago) and I turn 32 in June. She lives now in other city here. We have always been kinda close, since same age, same school, but academically she is much stronger and I was always compared to her. She is a conservator (she restores paintings and old stuff) and also teaches chemistry. She is much bolder than me. She has tattoos, face piercings and colors her hair a lot in all sorts of colors. I never got to express myself like this, though it's not like her life has been perfect either. Her dad never showed any intrests about his child and so she cut him out of her life, what was for the best.

I haven't seen if it's online or not. I'd like more to go there myself. It's just an hour away by bus. We have a lgbt+ center there and they hold all sorts of events too.

And thank you so much. Hugs.

 

Thank you for the kind words. I don't plan on giving up, so no worries there. The past me already don't exist anymore. The journey of getting here would otherwise have been pointless. I do feel like everything that have happened to me happened for a good reason.

 

My aunts family are the first ones I imagined coming out to, when I was at the very begginning of my trans journey. They are the most normal people out of everyone.

They actually properly talk to each other, what we don't really do and we don't show as much affection. My family is the typical cold Estonias who don't show any emotion or affection.

Many things in my family were influenced by my grandma, who was typical soviet age woman, who only appreciated hard work and everything had to be done, like she liked. She was strict and religious, but also very supersticious. Not a good combination.

Ever since that talk I've been overly emotional and crying. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the feeling of loneliness or something else?

I'm fully set on about coming out to my aunt. I've been bit worried about the reaction, but hopefully either before the end of this month or the begginning of the new one I'm going to talk to her, before my therapy appointment. I feel like I can talk to her and she will be reasonable and listen to me.

 

Told my aunt I wish to talk to her and that I have a secret to tell her about me. My anxiety is going sky high right now. Just asking to talk to her took courage.

Edit: decided upon a date. This Wednesday. Telling in a cafe somewhere, while having coffee. Probably better, than telling in her home.

 

I'm out to my aunt now and she was very understanding and accepting (these are happy tears).

She also understood right away, that my main worry is how does my dad takes it and agreed, that others don't need to know, at least not until there will be visible changes. She knew what it all meant, so that made it so much easier too. I allowed her to tell my cousins too. My cousins are not traditional either, so I know they as well will be okay with it. I guess it's okay now to say that I'm out to some people.