Social Anxiety

Yes, I have some of this and it sucks. I'm highly sensitive and other things that made me hypervigilant since a wee lad as well. Combine that with the worries about being gay once that dawned on me, and it makes for mental health issues, with my genes/disposition anyway. I mostly isolate so not really what I want or healthy. I hope others have helpful advice and you find things that help you cope and get what you want in life!

 

I was painfully shy when I was young. I think a couple things helped. Coming out did help a lot. But I also took steps to sort of force myself to engage in the behavior that scared me. I competed in speech and debate in high school and college. In high school my speech coach would video tape me and then we would actually do a play-by-play analysis. I didn't gesture at all as I spoke until she taught me how. Those sessions were terrifying but I'm also really grateful for them--even down to the "you'd look more human if you did this" comments. I took jobs where persuasion was important. There was a fairly lengthy period of my life where I used to joke that I made small talk for a living. Eventually, as I realized that I wasn't bad at it the anxiety went away. For me it just took practice.

I think it's also important to separate being good at social interaction from enjoying it or not being drained by it. I can work a cocktail party like nobody's business, but it drains me and it doesn't come natural like it does my husband. I'm 52 so I doubt that will ever change. And that's alright. If we are there together, I will unabashedly follow in his wake. Once I settle in for a one-on-one conversation or with a few people I know well I can yammer on for hours and he can flit on with his little social butterfly self. Similarly, with work now that I know I can do constant social interaction, I'm able to admit I don't necessarily enjoy it. The job I have now requires virtually none of it and I enjoy that--there's a member of my team that I literally hear a couple sentences from each week.

I don't know that there's a plan in there anyway, but that's my experience. You can get better at it if it's important to you. You can also find the kind of interaction you enjoy and stick to that. I wish you well.

 

I suffer anxiety and depression. And maybe other things that I can't name right now, as I don't know what they are.
I hate it. The physical sensation of being inside a bubble, you can't hear anything, you only stare at a point, you want to cry but you can't. And the psychological feeling of "nobody understands me, I need to scape". You only want to sleep, and let time fly away, but you can't, and you are afraid of both sleeping and waking up, as you feel then that your heart is going to explode, and you feel nervous and scared...

I'm struggling with that right now, but I don't know how to deal with it sometimes. In those moments, I only want someone to hug me and let time pass by...

 

Whether you like it or not, this is the "real" you and in order to even start to heal from this you need to first accept yourself as you are. I suffered this most of my teen and adult life, finally accepting it instead of fighting it.

A good tip is to start religiously watching YT'ers, TV shows and Movies from your area and get socially competent (but not flawless) people in your head speaking your accent. Also watch more and more YT'ers, though not the ones who edit their videos lots to appear perfect, and accept hardly anyone has perfect social skills. They become flustered, stammer at times, have awkward silences. Nobody speaks like people do in Hollywood films. Even watch film stars being interviewed and you'll find the same human traits of discomfort, at times, in speaking. It is rare to see someone who is genuinley comfortable.

Try watching Harrison Ford or Sean Bean being interviewed, see how awkward they are at times when speaking. Imagine how much weirder either of these men would seem if they were severely stressed out and worried about it. It would put you off talking to them, right? (Not the fact they were awkward.) People don't mind someone who is a little clumsy at speaking, it's when they become intense that they feel uncomfortable. If you're comfortable in who you are, most people will be comfortable talking to you regardless.

On another note, do you vape? I only ask as that causes me awful insomnia.

 

I have most definitely dealt with this.

The main issue was sweating and this was present during the end of high school, through college, and into the first few years of working. My dad would just tell me to bring another shirt or whatever I'd be wearing. That's a long time to be nervous to the point of wetting the armpits in a shirt.

I also slept a lot. It took me longer to do things because of that and especially when I was in college.

Therapy was not an option then. It was there. I don't who would have pointed me in that direction and I also don't think I would have gone.

I don't know what happened. It subsided. There's no way I'd sweat today because I'm more oblivious to others and their thinking than I've ever been. Maybe that's one of the good things of getting older. Still, anyone going through anything like this wants it over with.

I haven't believed that those who look like they have it all together really do. I have learned otherwise. It's amazing what acts and airs people can pull off and most - not all - people buy it.

 

this may sound ridiculous but reading (and putting into practice) self help books have helped me. I am not saying it all magically went away but the books and techniques definitely helped, and I had really bad anxiety.

Keep in mind there are many famous actors who still get 'stage fright' , and what you feel is pretty common, sometimes just knowing that helps!

 

I guess it's possible that my situation was different, but I will say it sounds very similar to me. I am prone to general anxiety--I am at heart a worrier (and unless I watch myself my natural inclination is to catastrophize). I've had medical treatment for anxiety. I also had the same "symptoms" particularly the sweating and dry mouth. In fact, one of the main things I remember from my youth was that my mouth would get so dry in social settings that my tongue would stick to the roof of my mouth, causing me to click when I spoke--I've never encountered this in anyone else but it's also possible that it just wasn't as loud outside my head as it was inside. LOL I am by nature an introvert and find social interaction in anything beyond basically one to one interaction physically draining.

For me social settings were like that nightmare where you sit down to take the final and realize everyone else took the class, but somehow you just didn't. So, I studied. I spent a lot of time forcing myself to do it and get better at it. In the end the anxiety for me wasn't about not enjoying it, it was about the fear that because I didn't enjoy it, I would always be bad at it--bad at this thing that other people did effortlessly and actually seemed to enjoy. I guess I could have just avoided the whole thing but so much of life requires at least some of it--even talking one on one with people requires that you actually meet people--that simple avoidance felt like it would be crippling. So I met the anxiety full on. For me a large part of overcoming it was getting over the notion that I couldn't be good at it because I didn't enjoy it. I still don't enjoy it, but I'm good at it--and with that the anxiety went away. Socializing still has its challenges--the one that comes to mind is that an angry confrontation will still make me sweat like I used to, but I can deal with that. But overall, like much of life socializing is something I've come to appreciate in small doses and acknowledge that it paves the way for many other things I enjoy more.

 

Absolutely. I think queer people are more prone to mental illness in general - having been indirectly taught from a young age we have to filter the things we say and do and certain things we say/do mean people won't hate us.

Then for me, I think it's also generic and environment growing up.

It's been touched upon already, but therapy, coming out, exposure to the things that make me anxious.

I second the motion that some therapists just aren't for you, and some are just not good in general. I went to the free therapy offered when I was in school. It was helpful. But this most recent time I found one that specializes in LGBT youth and young adults. Anxiety and depression are common enough that most therapists [at least say they] specialize in it. So for anybody looking, I would prioritize an LGBT one over one that just says they specialize in anxiety.

And exposure- it really sucks, because it's so exhausting, it takes so many times AND you have to keep doing it frequently. Like phone calls, especially when I had to for my new job. Something about it in general, and I hate the thought that it can't be all planned out a head of time and you have to think on the spot. Still really hate calling people, but after 10 months of calling people a couple times a week, it aint so bad anymore.

 

Such a great example. Like that one class that everybody else took to boost their average meanwhile it seems like a foreign language to you

 

I suffer from anxiety and social anxiety. It varies but is always there.
Last year was one of my worst years... I was told to not take things personally.

It affected everything about me - down to my appearance. I would avoid people and isolate. I wouldn't look anyone in the eye and shake, feel cold. Feeling like I was going to die although that seems silly.
I would blank people who spoke to me which seemed like the right thing to do...

Thinking about it, I probably looked worse for how I acted even though I couldn't help it.

I have accepted that I cannot change the way I look. I began to look at myself and talk to myself. I saved myself as no one else bothered to help.
Here in the UK we have social prescriber in GP surgeries. I met with the one at my surgery and she was really nice. She showed me different warm spaces in the local area - a warm space is somewhere to go out of the cold but you don't need to buy a drink of anything.
She suggested she would attend anywhere with me to help get out the initial anxiety.
She signed me up to a support drama course for Mental health (It was local and random).
I didn't want to do it but I did anyway. If I always think the worst I cannot improve.
I actually enjoyed it. I believe I hold myself back to stop being happy. After 8 weeks I did feel different.

I began buying clothes for me. I never bought myself anything as I didn't see the point but this helped with confidence. With my new clothes I was more confident. I began looking in the mirror everyday and talking to myself - positive things.

I began to take up little hobbies which I hated as it felt like doing these things was wrong. No idea why I don't want to be happy.

The anxiety and social anxiety never really goes away but it did subside. People still judge me but I have learnt that it says more about them than me.
I still have bad days where I want to hide but I still accept the way I am and look. I can only control some aspects of myself - like clothes/hair etc ..
No one is better than anyone.

I have continued to learn from videos/articles and attending courses at mental health groups. I did counselling briefly too.

I really don't like talking to people but I will if it's something I choose to do.
I get so many positive comments about my clothes and how much I have changed and become more confident.
Everyone can have an opinion... It's not wrong or right. It's not something anyone needs to believe...

I have met a couple of people although I'm not sure if I could count them as friends. I don't know what a friend is...

I'm considering joining a yoga group just to be a part of something and it's good for mental health.
I'm still deciding internally. Down at the local theatre they have some workshops on .. again I might attend one and see what it's about.

It all sounds good in theory but it's still scares me.

I believe that to change my life - I need to met people (hopefully people like me) and it's not what you know but who put know that will change things significantly.
I say this as I have social anxiety and I know myself better than anyone.

People are more concerned about their own I securities than be judgemental unless it's obvious - but that's a different situation.

Focus on yourself not on your symptoms...
Only you can truly save or help yourself... It's hard to do and I cannot say if it's worth it as I'm still trying.

 

Give the yoga a try, any form of exercise is great for mental health. You'll also notice positive changes in your body and that'll help your anxiety too.

 

I was always a shy (perhaps even timid) person deep inside, most of the time avoiding social situations if I could help it. Physical symptoms were few, usually feelings of a dry mouth, lump in throat. Sometimes tremors in various parts of the body.
Not really knowing what to do about it (and being raised in traditions of stiff upper lip), I coped by acting cold and distant (sometimes also being obnoxious on purpose), just so people would generally stay away from me - which led to all-pervasive feeling of loneliness. Trough that time I have had some good acquaintances, with whom I was more open, but never let anyone to become too close.
Some time later, I’ve learned to cope with it trough, for lack of a better word, depersonalisation - by making my occupations at the time my whole personality. My work involved being in uniform and I had joined local National Guard (which is a part-time occupation here, mostly you just engage in military training a few times a month), and I usually wore parts of uniform outside of those, too - it felt as if it was armor and a shelter - it kept me safe from the world. No matter what interactions I had, I felt safe. At a certain point, I didn’t even feel any shyness at all - I became outgoing, almost extroverted, but always took care not to overshare any information. However, as soon as I took off the uniform, I became my old shy and timid self. The transformation was almost physical - even my demeanour and body language changed.
When, due to health reasons, I lost both my job and was discharged from National Guard, it was extremely hard to even go out in public, lacking the armour I was so used to for the few years I had it.
Later I found myself working in a customer-faced position - something I was never really cut out for, and having to communicate with hundreds of people per day was sheer hell, but I had no choice other than to power trough it. During that time also my health became worse, resulting in having to take sick leaves every other month, but the employer, thankfully, was pretty chill about. But with time and exposure my shyness got sort of blunted down. Sure, I was still uncomfortable around people, but it went from being similar to acute pain to an annoying discomfort.
But since I have accepted my identity, the anxiety pretty much went away. I just don’t feel shyness in social situation like I used to.

I think that yes, LGBTQ people are much more susceptible to social anxiety, especially if brought up among people with conservative views.
It’s hard to be open and communicative when you feel that you are “wrong” in some way, when bombarded with messages of your supposed inadequacy, perversion and abhorrence - and it takes quite a while to repair at least some of the damage done those messages can do upon one’s psyche.