It's amazing how much better I feel after talking to my therapist and how much of a mess I am by the time of my next appointment. So much going on right now, it's hard to know where to start. I just completed the three classes I was taking and now have two weeks off. That's exciting, it gives me more time do things...and more time to think. The past few days I have felt myself withdrawing even more from my husband, especially physically. Sometimes it's hard for me to even say 'I love you' anymore. It's not because he's done anything wrong, or is treating me badly, or even because we are fighting a lot. None of those things are happening. It's just I feel that when I do that that I'm leading him on. When he looks at me he looks at me with such love. I can see the pride he has in my accomplishments. All of these things make me feel like a HUGE dick for pushing him away and not sharing the same feelings he has. At the same time, I'll get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that leaving him and turning my back on everything but school and my kids would be a massive mistake. At the same time, all I can do is think about girls. I am just a mess. He just called me because he wants to figure out a date night with me tomorrow night. He's trying to figure out when we can spend some time together alone. I can't think about anything that I want to do less. I know what he is going to want at the end of the night and I have no interest. He will probably want to make out at some point and I don't really want to do that either. I'm not even sure how I feel about holding his hand. I'd we just hang out with the kids. I haven't gotten to do that that much while my classes were in session, plus it takes the pressure off of me as well. On top of that, I'm trying not to make something out of nothing when it comes to talking to my son's principal yesterday. Last night there was a family night at my son's school. We all went, which I wasn't happy that my husband was with me because I totally have a crush on the principal. It's so stupid that I was upset really. I ended up talking to the principal. I told her how I am going to school to be a teacher. I told her that I want to teach at my son's school. This is all true and how I felt before any doubts arose seriously in my mind and way before I had any kind of crush. Anyway, she was very talkative and kept touching my arm. I could still feel her touch when I got home. We actually ended up bumping into each other a few times after our initial conversation and talking. My husband was with my one of those times, but it felt like she was kind of talking to me more than him. None of this means a thing and I have to keep telling myself this. If I don't, then I will blow this up in my head and make it out to be something that it isn't. Then I'll start acting totally weird and awkward. I don't want to act in a way that will make her uncomfortable. I have to tell myself that she's a principal and part of her job is being able to talk to parents. Also, she's probably just one of those people that touches other people when she talks to them. For instance, after talking to me that first time I saw her talk to one of the teachers and she put her hand on the teacher's shoulder/back. So how she was acting toward me was nothing special. I have to keep telling myself that so I don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Did I mention that I'm just really messed up? Good thing I'm in therapy. So now I have to deal with this whole date night thing. I need to keep myself from being a crazy lady and maintain my cool with my son's principal. Even though I'm really looking forward to talking with her again. It's going to be a long few days until my next therapist appointment.
