So I tried gay sex for the first time and it wasn't particularly good...

its all about finding the right person

 

I think I'm somewhat similar to you regarding guys. I like to see and fantasize and touch and get aroused by these easily. But once it comes to real sex, I don't enjoy much, anal is definitely a torture for me, top or bottom... Our difference is that I've never had sex with girls. I wanted to but I think mainly due to curiosity probably? I feel female body is much less attractive for me than male body.

 

well... perhaps next time try love making instead of having sex. Which means you need to do it with someone you love.

 

I agree, it could have been the person you were with really; if I ever lose my V-Card; I will lose it to someone I actually care for.

 

I think it also has to do with the difference between fantasy and reality. The reality of sex is sometimes you hear 'Ouch, your on my hair', you get a cramp at a very inopertune time, dudes face feels like sandpaper, or a whole host of other small not very pleasant things that can happen. In fantasy I have never had a single thing go wrong EVER I am a complete sex god and my subject does exactly what I want, when I want, and how I want.

Maybe since this was your first time it didn't live up to your expectations because your only yard stick was rooted in fantasy?

 

I'm gay but I don't think I could ever enjoy anal sex.

 

First times are always awkward, and you were with a no-strings-attached partner. Finding the right person is the key.

 

First time sex is so over rated Hun.

 

I echo everyone's opinion, there's an expression: "two virgins make dull companions". My first time with a woman was all awkwardness and clumsiness, same with a man (and he knew what he was doing!)

Give it time and find someone with whom, at the very least, you have some kind of emotional connection.

 

I see this often here. I don't think it's as simple as hooking up with a random person and feeling sparks. You need to focus a lot less on sex, and find someone that you genuinely enjoy and want to be with, someone you think you might actually love. The sex is supposed to be an act to express your love for someone you're with, it's not designed for quick encounters. I think you'd be a lot more satisfied when you pursue someone that you like in every facet. You'll know if you're there when you'd put sex at the bottom of your pile when you think of the person intimately. Good luck.

 

Different take, here. As I've told before, my first time was with a high school friend (different high school) who initiated while having a smoke in the trees behind his house. What was uncomfortable was that we were outside. We didn't have feelings for each other. We were friends since about 8 and were horny kids. It was the situation he "procured" with an adult when we were high school seniors, a couple of months before graduating, that was mind blowing. The awkwardness resulted from my being in awe of this tall, hairy, older guy. With my friend, it was a non-event. With this guy, I was both very nervous and very aroused.

These events have caused me to associate the smell of tobacco or marijuana with sex, though I do not use these products. I guess Pavlov made sense.

 

First of all, welcome to Empty Closets. It is not just a forum or a message board -- it is a community. I have received a lot of support and enjoy the fellowship here, and I try my best to exchange with others here and do my best to help them, if not just be someone to talk with. That is so important and the remedy for most of our ails I do think.

My perception from reading your post may be off, but I will describe how I perceived it and comment on it a bit. I feel that we as humans (thus as a society) like to label and put things into neatly ordered divisions and titles. This is quite useful for clear communication, but I think it can become a bit counterproductive when we go 'too far' (who is to say?) with it. In that, I mean that we begin to try and fit reality as it is inside our label of reality. For me, I first began to label my sexuality as bisexual as it was a time when I was exploring myself more and quite frankly it was easier to 'come out' as at the time. Later, I began to feel more confident in my attraction to the same sex and called myself gay. Now, I just sort of realize that we cannot fully submit reality in all of its known and unknown complexity into a label or a definition or an exact communication (although it does not hurt to try).

In this way, try not to worry so much about if you are "gay", "bisexual", or any of the other multitudes (and still growing) of definitions available out there. I like to just refer to myself as queer, meaning that I am not of the ordinary definition. It is my little way of saying that I am who I am, I love who I love, and it does not fit into a comfy definition, although my mind would love it too. I found this has helped me, and does not limit me like identifying as straight did before. I love who I love, the end.

Your approach to meeting guys is not of my concern. I do recommend out of general practice that you practice safe sex by utilizing condoms and carrying them in your wallet so that in the case of becoming intoxicated you have something in a pinch. I am obviously pro-safe sex and advocate for it, but I have been in situations where I was drunk, I really digged a guy, and it just sort of happened out of no where. I didn't plan to sleep with him, but when we laid down it just happened. I had unprotected sex and three months later I made sure I was tested for STDs, including HIV. Bringing me to my next point, it is good to be checked every 6 months.

Be safe, do not be hard on yourself, and just be who you are. Labels are nice, but they are the "map, not the territory" itself.

 

And just to throw my 2c in...

Speaking from experience, I don't think it's necessary to love someone to have great sex (and loving someone does not guarantee the sex will be great every time either). However, it certainly helps to at least like them or feel attracted to them. And everyone is different. For some people the need for an emotional connection is greater than others. Depending on where you are on that scale you may need to at get to know someone more before you can really enjoy sex with them.

It's possible that this guy wasn't that great a kisser, that you just aren't that into kissing guys (everything sexual is a matter of taste. Just like different people like different foods, different people like different acts), or that first time nerves could have contributed to you not liking it much. Further experimentation with additional guys is probably in order.

Not all guys like anal - this can range from 'It's ok, but not my favorite thing' to 'no way in Hell will I ever do that!' and everything in between. You may be a guy who's not into anal. Or you just need to meet the right guy who's sexually compatible with you in this area. Again, further experimentation may be in order. But nothing wrong with not liking anal and plenty of guys who feel the same way or who don't care that much if it doesn't happen.

Oral can feel nice, but it's not necessarily the mind-blowing be-all/end-all that porn makes it out to be. Some guys can cum from oral pretty easy (or some guys can make their partner cum pretty easy), while many guys can't finish that way or take a very long time to get there. In the case of oral, for you it may be a nice way to pass some time or do something to make your partner feel good. It may not be a 'blow your mind with pleasure thing'.

Some guys really like touching and mutual masturbation. You sort of sound like that was the part that turned you on the most. Perhaps you should try getting with a guy who is also into this area of things and see if it works better for you. While not everyone agrees with this view, one view in the gay community is that 'sex' includes any set of activities that have the intent (or accept the possibility) of an orgasm occurring. You can be as sexually active as you choose and never do anal if you don't want to.

Anyway, hope this helps,

Todd

 

Our perception of why we engage in sex is different then. I never said great sex results from loving someone, I said that it's supposed to solidify how you feel, and if it's true love, I don't think you'd put a grade on the experience I guess I don't know how to help you find a random person to screw that's good at sex. My honest recommendation would be an escort. They'd probably figure out how to make it worth your while.

 

This topic is fascinating. It defies the "conditioned response" theory, in a way.

If a person does not have a penchant for smoking, being with friends who smoke will not make them a smoker.

If a person does not have a penchant for drinking, being with friends who drink will not make them a drinker.

If a person is not sexually attracted to men or women, being sexually active with men or women, respectively, will not convert them to liking sex with that gender.

The above was just a general observation about the "come on, try it" line you get from friends. In your case, don't fret over this. Proceed slowly. Take days off from thinking about this and dedicate days to doing things which distract you and which you like doing. Look at all the people on EC who have taken a long and circuitous route to figuring it out, and for some, they still haven't ... or it's a work in progress. You're not on a schedule. None of us are.

 

Chemistry is real and exists for both the gay and straight community. I recommend meeting someone new. I was with a girl recently and while I loved it, I didn't experience the butterflies I have in the past. This is likely due to the fact that I'm only halfway attracted to her sexually. Listen to your body.