So confusing...

My orientation is acting up again. What does it mean to find someone attractive, romantically or sexually?

I was chatting with this one girl online on a dating site. The conversation was coming to a close, and I briefly considered asking her to meet in person some time. But the thought of actually going on a date with a girl just seemed, well, off. In the same way that going on a date with a guy always seemed off. Mind you, while the conversation was not a complete failure, it also wasn't that promising, so I'm thinking that it might have been the circumstances that did it.

It's just that the reaction was so strong, to the point where going on a date with a guy did seem more like something I would do than going on a date with a girl! I've also been noticing guys more lately. Indeed, the feeling I first associated with attraction and that I initially I only felt for women has now shifted mostly to men. However, it is mostly a shallow thing that dissipates quickly, whereas the new feeling I have noticed toward women feels deeper but much rarer.

Then I ask myself the same question I've asked others on EC when they were questioning: who do I see myself having a relationship with? Prior to this year, the answer was very definitely, "no one." Most days now the answer is still, "women," but sometimes it goes back to "no one." I can't tell if this is due to my orientation or the fact that I was raised to not want a boyfriend.

Add onto this some other weirdness with gender expression...

I am very confused, indeed.

I suppose this is more of a rant than anything else, but I wish I had a better sense of what romantic and sexual attraction actually was, especially as opposed to more platonic feelings of friendship.