Hello all, I posted my intro here a few months ago (https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/another-married-guy-checking-in.476384/). I've continued to lurk on EC and have found comfort in the experiences that the members of this forum are willing to share. Ever since I've come to the place where I've accepted myself as a gay man and resolved to end an already high-conflict marriage with my wife, life has been an emotional roller coaster. Some days I'm feeling great about the direction life is going, some days I'm feeling utterly defeated, while some days I'd prefer to just bury my head in the sand and pretend these issues and challenges don't exist. Overall, though, I'm confident I'm making the right decisions for myself, my children, and ultimately my spouse. I have been meeting periodically with a gay-friendly therapist, and I think that's helped me to achieve some clarity of thought and has reassured me that I'm trending in the right direction. My wife and I are working through what has so-far been an amicable separation/divorce process for reasons that are completely unrelated to my sexuality. We're still living under the same roof for the time being, but I'll be moving out in about 3 weeks. I've made the decision not to come out to her just yet because, although we're being civil to eachother at the present time, I feel like my coming out to her could agitate some already raw emotions that she's inevitably feeling, and I could potentially be handing her weapons that she could use against me in the event that our divorce and child custody arrangement begins to turn hostile. I think she has a right to know, and she absolutely will know at some point, but I feel like I need to let the smoke clear from this divorce process before that can happen. On the other hand, I've begun coming-out to my circle of longtime friends, and I can honestly say I've been amazingly humbled by their responses. The longer I've been friends with someone, the more difficult the conversation seems to be on my part, but I can honestly say I haven't had a single negative reaction. In fact, I was able to have an amazing conversation with a guy that I've been best friends with since grade school. When I told him, he said that so much about me made sense to him now. He said he had always suspected, particularly when we were middle school and high-school aged, but that he never wanted to pry and never wanted to ridicule or force me into trying to come out. Me being awkward with girls and rarely dating when I was in high school always made him suspicious, but it never stopped him from being a lifelong friend. He's been making it a point to check in with me every other day or so, just to make sure I'm doing okay with things, proving to me that my being gay isn't going to harm in the least one of my oldest friendships. That's a great feeling. I still face the daunting task of coming out to my family, but honestly the more comfortable I get with myself, the task at hand seems manageable. My brother will be next, I think, and I honestly don't anticipate any negative reaction from him at all. Time will tell. Thanks again to all the folks here that are willing to share their stories and offer their kind suggestions and advice. I'll post updates as they happen, but in the meantime please know that I genuinely appreciate the supportive community that exists here.
Good luck, huge step for you. Scary and exciting!. Being very fresh & raw from the same experience recently, I can tell you the stress, shock, questioning and arguing are offset to a degree by the weight lifted from your chest. I feel (hope) like this offset will continue in the favor of relief from knowing I’m not hiding anything. Time will tell for both of us but you’re in the right track my friend.
Bravo! Some come out with no clear idea of what comes next. You seem to have a developed a thoughtful coming out plan and it is working for you. As you move to end your marriage, you are also speaking with a therapist. Wonderful! It's slow but sure progress. It's too bad you cannot come out to your wife yet but understandable. It's encouraging the response from those you have told has been so positive. Just keep it up. Success builds upon success. In a year from now you will be fully out and in a far happier place, due in large measure due to your careful preparation and planning.
Coming out is certainly a scary experience. There is no playbook to consult as each of our coming out events are different. While it is a life altering event and not the most pleasant it is the most worthwhile. The intense feeling of liberation is worth the price. The freedom to finally embrace wholeheartedly the real you. The release of shame and fear that allows you finally say unabashedly I prefer men emotionally and sexually is beyond words. I speak from experience as at the beginning of my journey I wanted to hide the fact I was gay. Slowly as I engaged the process of coming out I began to gain a sense of pride in who and what I was. Now I am longer afraid to say to the world I am a proud happy homosexual living my life as I want. I need no pity, judgements, intolerance,nor misunderstanding from society. I am exactly who I wish to be. It took a long time but I am finally here!
The best way I can describe it, is as a process with many twists and turns. Sometimes the way ahead will seem clear and you will make good progress and feel fairly happy and relaxed about it, and then you'll encounter one of those twists and turns that will slow progress right down and leave you feeling more despondent. That's the coming out journey! In all honesty it sounds like you have already made good progress and you are not driving in the dark. You are keeping things calm at home and building up a support network by coming out to accepting friends (and strengthening the bonds in the process). In many ways that's the text book approach and I commend you for it. There will be difficult days ahead and there is nothing to be gained by denying that, but you seem to have a mature attitude and know what you need to do. Keep us posted!
