TW//SH, S***idal ideation I'm so done. I'm so dramatic, I know. I'm really upset right now but I also feel numb. It's more like an absence? It's like I should feel upset. And I do. I have all the thoughts that come with being upset, but I don't feel anything right now. At the dinner table, my parents have started poking fun at me for a lot of things. As I've mentioned before, I'm "non-binary" (at this point I guess I've even fooled myself. I know now that I'm just some stupid dyke that thinks she'll get attention by being "qUiRkY" and "diFfeRenT") They were going on about the old lesbian style and that lesbians all basically looked the same. They went on about hair and stuff like that. Now, as some of you know, I've had trouble breathing lately so I really haven't been wearing a bra. I wear enough layers that it's usually fine. When I AM wearing a bra, it's a sports bra so my chest can be hidden or at least not as big. My mom said I need to stop wearing baggy shirts and stop wearing sports bras. She's told me she wants me to wear push-up bras so my chest looks bigger. I HATE when my chest is big. I already hate how I look enough. I know nothing is going to happen. I'm too dumb and scared to actually say anything. It's not like any of my feelings about my gender are real. It's just some stupid ploy to get attention. I'm so torn on it. Because if I AM faking it, I'm an awful person. It's how I see myself on the inside, I guess, but what does that matter? Your gender is what's on the outside right? I don't know. I've been so close to "relapsing" tonight. I don't even know if it can be called that because I haven't made an effort to stop. The only reason I did was out of fear my parents would find out. The only reason I'm holding on is for her. It's such an emo thing to say, I guess. Nobody has to reply to this, by the way. It's just some stupid teenager rambling and venting.
Hugs. I know it's all frustrating. Soon hopefully you don't have to live with your parents anymore and things will get easier. Over time it will. None of it is stupid either. I just wished to reply and let you know, that were always be here for you.
Two hugs! Dramatic, upset numb, upset. Yea that’s us. Trying to find our truth and our way. Patience with yourself seems to be in order I think. It’s so hard when you’re in that place but try and find some patience for yourself. Stupid? I don’t believe that or you wouldn’t be here right? Time will allow you see yourself very differently . So hard to be patient with ourself.
