I’m going to visit my parents next week, and over the last year or so, I think they’re starting to pick up on me being gay. I’ve posted about it a couple of times, and some of it might just be my paranoia but I think they’re definitely suspicious if nothing else. I mean, I know my mom saw a document on my google drive titled “Am I a lesbian?” so they definitely know something is up, which makes me feel sick to think about. The thing is, I’m not ready for them to know. I live in another city/state from them and I like that I get to have my life here, and only have to be in the closet a few weeks out of the year when I see my parents. It doesn’t make me sad to be in the closet around them, I’m not dying to tell them, or feel like I’m living a lie, even though I know one day I have to tell them. I know I’d feel differently if I didn’t live in another city and had to be around them more. But I kind of like that my life feels compartmentalized. I honestly can’t see myself telling them for a couple more years. I literally can’t even imagine what it would be like to tell them now, I just know that it will not go well. So for me, knowing that they might even think that I’m gay is certainly anxiety inducing. They avoid talking about it, but sometimes they’ll ask me if I have a secret boyfriend in a suspicious tone or glance over at me when something gay happens on tv. I don’t know if this is a good idea, but I have been wondering if I might try making up a story about a man. Not that I have an actual boyfriend, just that I recently went on a date or two with a guy. I’m just worried they might see through it. I just think the longer I go without telling them that I’m dating a guy, the more they’ll suspect I’m a lesbian. In the four years I was in college, I never once had a boyfriend to tell them about, and now they know I’m looking at documents for questioning lesbians on my google drive, and I feel like I need to do something to convince them of my heterosexuality for just a little longer until I’m ready to actually tell them.
Wouldn't it be harder to come out to them once you let them believe you are straight? You might be overthinking how your parents will react, if your mom suspect and already saw things indicating you are questioning and didn't lose it then she probably doesn't care as much as you think she does and probably won't react as badly as you think she will! I thought my stepdad would lose it and while he wasn't the most keen he definitely didn't make half as big of a deal of it as I thought he would. Ultimately it's up to you when you come out but I wouldn't lie no, you can just refuse to discuss your love life if need be, they aren't entitled to know anyway.
If you make up a story, just remember you’ll then be in the business of having to keep your story straight. What if they ask to meet the boyfriend. What if they ask your friends about him? What if you get confused on details? It’s easier and likely less stressful in the long run to not go there.
THIS a thousand times! Please don’t put yourself in the position I’m in. I thought I WAS straight for years so I have the difficult background of having been into men that still follows me, despite never having dated a man and that I don’t have any intent to do so in the future. Please don’t make things more complicated for yourself. If they haven’t directly asked then there isn’t any need imho to mention it anyway. You can always just say that you are not dating anyone right now. That’s perfectly acceptable. And if your parents already suspect then I don’t think there is much you can do anyway. They probably already know and even though I know how scary that must feel, I feel like if they were going to have a REALLY bad reaction they already would have had one. I’m not saying it’s going to be 100% rosy but it may not be as bad as you think.
No. I'd strongly urge you not to lie and say that you have a boyfriend. I made the mistake of telling my parents that I was on a straight dating app (while in reality I was in a gay one) and went on dates with girls (Reality = boys) for a while. When I had to come out to them later on, it was difficult for me to explain that I lied and that I wasn't out with girls. Trust me, while the lie might get your parents off your back for the time-being/the moment, it will not help in the long run. If you feel like you can't tell them for a couple of more years, that's fine in my opinion. You don't have to come out to them. I think the fact that you stay away from them, helps as well, as you can maintain your independence and still live your life to the extent you want to. What I said might not be helpful, but it was a mistake I made, so I'm drawing from my own past and mistakes.
I know that telling them I'm gay may not be as bad as I think it will be, but I can definitely say I know that conversation won't end in a heart warming embrace of acceptance. I don't see them disowning me, or telling me I'm going to hell or anything like that, but I know they're not going to be thrilled, and I know that things are going to be very uncomfortable between us for a while after I tell them, which is why I want to avoid telling them for as long as possible. Even though I know my mom saw the lesbian document in my google drive, she hasn't said anything to me about it, but I know she knows, and I can see how displeased she is with it. I know she's told my dad, but that doesn't stop either of them from groaning in disapproval when we see a gay couple in commercials on tv. I don't think the reason they haven't directly said anything to me about it is because they understand and respect that this is a hard thing for me to talk to them about, I think it's because they want to pretend it's not really happening. I think they think it's just a phase, and I know that's what they'll accuse me of when I tell them. I'm not suggesting I tell them I have an actual boyfriend, only that I recently went on a date with a boy. I know saying I'm in an actual relationship with a man would mean I'd have to keep my story straight, but if I just say I went on one date with one boy, thus implying I might be dating others, maybe they won't suspect I'm gay quite as much. If they ask a lot of questions, I can always just tell them that the date didn't go well, or that he never called me back or something. I mean, I guess it might make it harder to come out when I'm finally ready to, but it's already going to be pretty rough. They already know about all of my high school boyfriends. If me previously dating men is something they're going to hold against me when I tell them I'm a lesbian, they're going to do it whether or not I make up a story about recently going on a date with a guy, especially when I can tell them at the time of my coming out that I made it all up.
I would simply tell them your not interested in dating right or something like that. Lying may seem like a good idea for the time being but it always has a way of catching up with you and causing you to possibly later regret it. I am never one to force to come out but since your living on your one and I am assuming financially independent to just come out than to have to come up with some lie. If you think they won't disown you I don't really understand what is holding you back. If they react at bad at first if they really love you and want their child in their life they will come around it just takes more time for others.
For one thing, while I'm fairly certain they won't disown me, I can't say for sure that that won't happen, and the more I think about that, the more I overthink it, and want to stay in the closet forever. But also, I don't want to tell them because I just don't want to at this point in my life. I guess it's ridiculous of me, and I'm just being stupid and unnecessarily dramatic, but something is telling me that now is not the time. I know that when I tell them, me being gay will seem more official, and apart from wanting to avoid the unpleasantness of having to tell them for as long as possible, I realize that this is at the heart of my concern. It's one thing for me to be living my gay life in the liberal city I live in, where no one cares what anybody's orientation is, but to tell my conservative family will mean that it's actually real, and that's what scares me. There will be no going back. When I tell them, I want to be 100% sure it's what I have to do, and I'm still not convinced that's the case. I'm still not completely sure that if I tried hard enough, when I'm ready to settle down, that I couldn't find a way to be happy with a man. I'm pretty sure they'll come around eventually, and that they'll still love me, but I'm not ready to deal with their changed perception of me.
Yeah, you definitely don't need to rush coming out. I always find it so interesting how some gay people don't understand that not everyone has the need to HAVE to come out. Like everyone else said though, it's more wise for your future self to not tell your parents about a fake bf. Plus, I'm sure you don't feel good about having to come back to that and constantly lying about this made up person. That would be exhausting. You seem like you know what's up. When you see your family it sounds like you are not ready to come out yet and you have the opinions of your EC community about the made up bf. The absolute worst that could happen is if a member of your family said "Still no bf? Honey, are you gay?" And what would you do in that circumstance?
I want to clear that you should come when feel your've ready to come out and I would not suggest otherwise. I totally understand where your coming from also. As others have said the whole part of lying is not something I would do as I was in a similar situation and it blew up in my face causing much confusion and explaining to do. So speaking from experience that would only cause more pain and distrust.
It seems like the risk/reward ratio isn't that great. At best, you might maybe throw them off the trail temporarily. All to avoid some wary looks and unasked questions for a few years. Possibly having to tell them you don't want to talk about your love life a few times if they ask. At worst, you may create a stressful situation of having to maintain the lie (which can escalate). And then if they figure out you've lied, they could become upset and lose trust in you. Plus, they're going to want to know WHY you lied. It might unintentionally ACCELERATE them figuring out you're gay. Meanwhile, think about how stressed you are trying to hide something that's not really wrong that you don't have any control over. Now imagine adding to that the stress of having to cover for something you did actually kinda do wrong and that you absolutely had control over. I mean I get it. I'm in almost the exact same boat. My parents don't know. They're very conservative Christians and extremely homophobic. I strongly suspect they're going to react very, very badly in my case. I don't know what the other side of this looks like and it scares me to think about it. I'm hoping to delay it until I've at least maybe dated some to absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt before dropping that kind of bomb. But I just can't see bold faced lying improving the situation when the inevitable happens.
