Hi EC. I just found this amazing site and decided to join, hoping someone can help me. I'm sorry to make yet another coming-out-help thread but I hope you'll bear with me. I unfortunately can't write short things as you'll see below... So, I'm gay. I've known for a while but only started accepting it last year and actually became PROUD of it weeks ago. Life might've been simpler if I were straight but I like who I am. And that's why I want to come out to my closest friends, parents, and brother. I don't have much of a problem with lying and pretending because no one pressures me much. I used to be able to just ignore being closeted, but lately not a day goes by where I don't think about what being gay means to me, what my future will be like, what everyone will think. Sometimes I get frustrated about hiding it, but it's not often and it's not too bad. So anyways, there are 4 groups of people I want to tell: my mother, my father, my brother, and my closest friends. My best friends are all guys and as far as I know, straight. The thing is, we have talked about what it would be like if one of us came out and practically everyone agreed they would treat him the same way. But that's easier said than done. Even with all the homoerotic teasing between guys, I just don't get the feeling that I can trust them to be ok with it or to keep it a secret. Even my closest friend, to whom I heavily hinted that I was gay didn't react that well. The worst part is, I'm not even sure it's worth it anymore. I'm leaving for college abroad in three months and previous movings have shown me that we just won't be as close anymore. I know I'll lose most of my friends here, if not all. Still, I feel like I want them to know before I leave, not only for me but to open their eyes to what being gay is like! We live in a retrograde country and I feel like my coming out to my friends and possibly everyone in our school and community could be beneficial to other LGBTQ people here. And since I won't be around to be judged, it's ok :lol: My mother is my biggest unknown. I distinctively remember growing up hearing that being gay was a mental disorder, that it was a biological thing gone wrong in the brain. I can't quite place where that came from. But I think my mom thought this. The good thins is, she admits homosexuality is NOT a choice. Years ago, my brother called me gay in front of her (just teasing). What she told him right there and then made me oh so very happy. She said that she would love either of us no matter our sexuality. She has repeated this sometimes. Sometimes, I get the feeling that she knows... Because in these past years, her posture for homosexuals has been more accepting than I remember, she says we should be able to get married. Once, she told my Catholic aunt who was talking about gay pride that it could happen to anyone: "what if it was one of your children?". So, do you think she knows? I really feel that my mom would be ok with it and it would help me so much to have her know. I even feel like she does already. But, if I'm wrong and she doesn't know, if she doesn't support it, if she tells me that I have a disease and that maybe I can be cured... I don't think I could handle that. She is truly the person I love most in the world, whom I trust the most and who loves me the most too. Losing her in any way would destroy me. I know I'll have to come out eventually, but right now, I don't have anyone to turn to if she rejects me. No friends who I know will be okay with it, no one to talk to. I think it would be better if I waited 'til college, but then I think, will it really change anything? My father is a different issue. He has never voiced his views on gay marriage, adoption, pride or anything and does make the occassional joke. But he is fairly open minded and never says negative things about gay celebrities, only jokes. Still, I don't want to come out to him yet. I want to tell my mother first. The bigger problem is that my father is our only source of income. If he cuts me out, I'll be on the streets, and forget college... He is one of those people to whom reputations are vital, and it is so for his job as well. A gay son would surely tarnish that in our society. I myself wouldn't want him to go through that. Lastly, my brother. We have a weird relationship. We don't talk much (he's abroad in college), never have. He does not tell me about his girlfriends or his problems or anything. Yet I know he loves me and that he is always looking after me because he has shown this to me before. About 6 years ago, he found gay porn in my computer. And what he said there killed me... he told me, "Either you have a very dangerous virus in your computer or you have a very serious mental disease". Like I said, this is what we grew up with. Gay=sick. I obviously blamed it on the computer, but he's not that dumb. Still, he never brought it up again, my parents never said anything so I don't know if he told (he is a bit of a snitch so...), and I learned the importance of deleting browsing history :icon_wink . The thing is, I don't know if he knows or not. You wouldn't just forget seeing that, right? So either he thought about it and is cool, or he's in denial. I know he has gay friends now, but that doesn't mean he's okay with gays or that he'll be alright with one in the family. He still jokingly calls me gay and stuff, but I have NEVER heard gay slur or anything offensive, aside from the porn thing. He was still young. Still, you never know. But I think this could bring us together and he could even help me tell my parents. So that's it. I'm so sorry for the length of this... I just had to get my story out. You know, the worst thing about all this is having no one to talk to. I really want a friend who I can be open to. I mean, it's awful having to deal with this every single day and for no one to know you're struggling, no one to help. I know that's my own fault for staying in the closet but I just don't know if now is the right time! I feel ready, and I know there's never a good time, and being the procrastinator that I am, I like pushing this back. But I know that I could carry the burden a little while longer, specially if I go to college where I won't have to hide it as much. Part of me thinks "just do it, get it over with". The other, rational part tells me to wait until I'm in college and have a safety net, someone to talk to. I'm more inclined to this. But then again, it could be the coward in me. Well, that's it. If you got this far, thank you soooo much!! This has really meant the world to me, because it is the first time I tell anyone all of this. It's actually the first time I say I'm gay to another person, even online.:icon_bigg I'll appreciate any comments. So, should I just do it?
Moms often know, sometimes before we do. It's because there are signs, when we are very young, and before we learn to hide it--sometimes, gay kids will even say explicitly that they want a relationship with a same-sex person when they are grown up. I think that if your mom went through a period while you were growing up where she was thinking about gay people enough that you heard what she thought about them--and note she went the "mental disease" route, rather than the "evil sinners" route--I think it's likely that something she noticed about you triggered her to be thinking about it. Over time, she learned more about gay people, and became the kind of ally that you describe her as being now. More than anything, the change in her attitudes towards gay people convinces me that she has some idea about you. Parents go through an acceptance process, and it sounds like she already has. I mean, if there isn't someone else in her life that made her go through this change of ideas, than the most likely thing is that it was for you. All because she loves you. I think your mother is the right person to start with. She can help you know what to do about your father, too. If your brother has gay friends, and they stay his friends, his views have probably changed also. And you're right, he hasn't forgotten, and it will have been in his mind whenever the subject of gay people has come up in between--and so will have influenced him in things like having gay friends in the first place. I'm sure he remembers the conversation, and you could ask him if he still thinks it's a disease. You should probably consider your friends individually instead of as a group--unless you are ready to just be completely out. What exactly happened when you hinted about your sexuality to your closest friend?
Thanks for sharing and congratulations on your choice. First off let me say this, I grew up between two sisters. They knew I was gay way before I even knew it, they just never said anything..... well accept on this one occasion. You see my older sister and her good for nothing what-ever fiancée at the time were staying in the UK for 2 years. At the end of the first year my sister send a video to my parents, which we all watched over the December holidays (x-mas no-less). in one part of the video my sister made a comment about her gay brother going to like a waterfall which they were at. I didn't know what to do or even what to say, as old friends of my folks who we sort of grew up with was there with their two kids. As I said nothing, no one seemed to have hear it. Anyway, when I did come out to my folks, my mom and sisters all told me they knew it since I started high school (why i don't know, could be that on once occasion my older sister found gay porn on my PC, but I'm not sure, I haven't really talked to her about it) I guess what I am saying is that the chances that your mom and your brother know is very big. they just won't say anything until you do. As for your dad, yeah i think your mom can tell him in a far better way than what you can, she'll also know when to tell him or when not to. He is her husband, so she should know him better than you do.
Hi there and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place. It sounds to me like your mom and brother will be OK with this. Your brother wouldn't have gay friends if he really had a problem with people being gay. And yes, he hasn't forgotten that he found gay porn on your computer. His comment at the time is not likely the way he feels today about homosexuality. He wouldn't hang out with people he felt were diseased. I'd also guess that your dad isn't likely to cut you off. But different cultures react in different ways to things. So you or your mom will know better how to handle your dad.
Coming out sometimes gets easier with practice, so even if you don't really have to come out to your friends, doing so could make it easier to come out to future friends at college. I'd say tell your mom first, to make sure she hears it from you rather than from anyone else.
