Hi everyone, Sorry, this is a long one. I hope you can give me some advice and share your life experience if you feel something might be relevant. Also, you might spot some red flags in my incorrect assumptions, I would appreciate if you indicated them. About 5 months ago I watched ‘Love, Simon’ when I realised I was a gay (male, 20) and at the same time I said ‘probably in the morning I will be saying I am straight’. So for a few months after that I was reading articles and thinking about this, shifting from thinking that I am bi to gay. Surprisingly, at the very next day of watching that movie I wanted to prove myself wrong so much that I was able to talk to a girl for more than 2 hours after the Mass that we were the last to leave the parish building and I was definitely able to spot some chemistry between us. We have been able to meet several times again later, but because of studies and exams these meetings were super short. And just to note, this was probably my first such experience (little, I know) in my life. I have socialised with girls before though So I was continuing my research and finally settled down with being gay. As my last check I forced myself to watch nude females and 3 best looking straight porn videos, which were totally disgusting for me. And I now think that this is not the way to check it. I came out to my best friend 2 months ago and he was supportive. With plenty of courage I came back home (to a different, conservative country) and came out to my family. My brother said nothing, my mother was destroyed, said literally everything disgusting she could and my father mildly agreed with her. She begged me to pray it away, shared her super small knowledge of how bad a gay life is, I even had to visit a local doctor specialising in hormones to find out that my testosterone is slightly lagging behind the norm, she would be constantly crying and waking me up every night by either calling to support lines and talking about suicide or reading homophobic articles and shouting at me. After 3 days I read a few articles about recent STI outbreaks in CA, convinced myself and promised her ‘I will never do anything like this in my life’. As we found out later, she thought ‘this’ meant even quitting my studies, so we had another conflict to resolve as she wanted me to infinitely stay living at home under her watch... So I will be returning to uni in September and I am not planning to return home except for lengthy holiday brakes but that does not change the fact that I am forced to be straight in order for my mother not to think about suicide! I feel responsible for that, even though I have a younger brother. Some context about me: At an early age at school I was in girls’ group, I loved dressing my toys, I still love designing Lego houses while my brother builds tanks and etc. I am a late boomer, thus I look like 14. I experienced bullying between 10 and 16 mostly. I started watching gay porn when I was 15 and stopped 2 months ago, it all started from searching ‘nude men’ and I am not sure if porn could have affected my sexuality. I was never into straight porn. I had both male and female crushes, I had little experience in socialising before uni. I am from a conservative country and family (got to know recently). Emotionally I might feel connected more to men but it’s hard to say because of my lack of socialising with girls. I am religious and I know that even according to the Bible there is nothing wrong with being gay. I love music by Ariana grande, TT, Nicky, Sia, Iggy, Diplo and I like dancing to it. It’s interesting that all these years I was secretly watching gay porn and I would never question my sexuality. I would avoid any clothes that might look gay, I spend hours checking that Apple Watch Milanese loop is not gay, I would avoid taking gay tests when my friends would be checking them (internalised homophobia?). I would only think ‘will I need to disclose this to my wife?’. Maybe I still should marry a woman and neglect my sexual desires, as I have discovered in some ‘pro family’ websites? Or should I wait and socialise more to see who I am? I understand that I might never know, but I would love to have at least some info about myself that I could base my feelings/actions on. My mum thinks I should just forget it and she is every time embarrassed when I mention something about sexuality. Eventually, I want to live separately and I have savings for that. I would love to create a family but I am not sure if should sacrifice a life of some woman and children that we would have just to make my mum feel happy. Many thanks, James
Okay, there is quite a bit to deal with here, so I'm going to try to address a few key points for now otherwise it might seem rather overwhelming for you. If you want to look at everything else, it might be better to break it down into more manageable pieces and focus on each issue individually. Based on everything you have told us, it seems almost certain you are gay. It's not the fact that you have viewed gay porn that convinces me, but it is everything else. There are too many clues over an extended period of time that give it away. Don't be fooled by the chemistry with the girl at church, because so many gay men can talk about having chemistry with the opposite sex. In actual fact, some gay men have a huge amount of chemistry with the opposite sex. Having chemistry means nothing though, if it's not the right sort of chemistry and too many gay men have mistaken that close affinity or tight friendship with women as an indication of something deeper. It really isn't! If you are gay there is nothing a doctor, therapist, priest, pastor or pro-family organisation will be able to do about it, short of temporary brainwashing. Be suspicious of anyone who tells you it's a phase or something you can turn away from with therapy or prayer, because there are many thousands of gay men the world over who will tell you different. We are not ill or in some sort of sinful bondage and we don't need help or prayer to change. Gay life isn't so bad unless we have loose boundaries and do silly things to make it bad, like sleeping around with lots of men without protection (so exposing ourselves to various STI's). We get out of life what we put into it and that applies equally to straight people and LGBT people. The only truly bad thing we encounter as gay men is hostility and petty minded prejudice and a denial of our rights. It's sad that your parents reacted badly and it sounds like they are preoccupied with cultural, social and religious attitudes - all of which can be overcome if they have a willing heart and mind. Maybe they'll need time to think about all of that. Let me assure you that your mother will not end her life because you are gay. Suicide is a complex issue and people don't normally end their lives over a single issue like this... they might threaten it in order to manipulate, but making threats is very different to planning it all out and going through with it. People who are suicidal are tired of life and tired of living and see no hope in anything in the present or future. Your sexuality doesn't undermine the very foundations of your mothers existence, so you can reasonably assume that she is being manipulative. Your sexuality is not a phase, I promise you. It's not something that will go away or can be married away and the more you suppress it and deny yourself the more it will overwhelm you. Your mum has her own agenda, but this is your life and you only get one chance to live it. Think wisely and think carefully about what you do next and talk about it some more if you need to.
Thanks for your support. I remember how my mother was from time to time threatening to leave my father, we would be packing clothes and going through the snow and then returning back home or we would be at a supermarket and because of a conflict between my mother and father, she would go somewhere else and we would be calling, chasing and begging her to return to our car. I would be almost constantly terrified that she could jump of a window. At least we now live in a single floor house. This time she said that her life and even my life is worthless. All of the money that I have earned was for nothing. I still think that she is scared and she would be ashamed if others knew I was gay since she lives in a quite conservative society. However, there are almost no gay people that we know around so it is hard to guess what it would be really like. She knows 3 gay people. One was a friend of a friend 30 years ago and died from an overdose, she had a gay coworker from NY a year ago and there is a distant gay coworker that she’s heard everyone avoids. Btw, she also saw a (most likely) transgender person a week ago and she said she could not stop thinking about me (in a sad way) because she thinks one day I will became someone like that person. And she also read plenty of homophobic articles in our native language, which means she does not have access to almost any useful resources for parents. She thinks that LGBT is a cult and that UK is responsible for me becoming gay (I spend 3 years in UK and I don’t know anyone who is for sure queer). She thinks that over the time I will start dressing like a woman and almost automatically assumes that if I live in the UK, she will lose me. What’s worse, she has now merged a decade lasting conflict with my father with me being gay and she thinks we are both disordered and selfish. I was suggesting for us to get counselling and she disagreed. Her opinion is that she is a perfectionist, that our family has to be perfect. She thinks that English people are amoral and will be left alone after my studies with no friends and expensive rent. I know it’s not true and I can see her concerns expressed in this way. But we have no other party to trust, she wants to keep everything in our family and she would not trust anyone else, because she thinks others have lower moral standards. My friend was supportive all this time but I could not even mention that to her because who knows what would happen then, since ‘my nonsense’ would be out of family. She still hopes that I will be living at the same house in the future and she will be helping to raise my children, so me being gay just destroys her dreams. She sacrificed her career when I was born and she was a really caring mother, so she just kept repeating that 20 years of her life are now lost, even though she was doing other things and there is also my brother. So, I am really not sure how to deal with this and where my responsibility ends.
I'm sure you love your mother and don't want to hurt her, but you must realise that all of the drama she is creating says more about her than it does about you and any hurt that she is feeling and experiencing comes from within her. She really does have control over her personal responses to your sexuality. Yes, it is difficult for some parents to accept and understand at first, but it's a measure of their love for us when they push beyond the early feelings of angst and distress to forge a deeper understanding that isn't rooted in prejudice. It's interesting what your mother says about the UK and really serves to demonstrate how little knowledge she has. As a former colonial power, the UK was responsible for introducing conservative attitudes and homophobic laws into many other countries. The fact that the UK has now liberalised and abandoned most of its own restrictive laws and practices against LGBT people is a measure of how far things have come. It's rather sad therefore, that former colonies are still clinging on to that last vestige of empire, when they've worked so hard to repeal everything else from that period in history. You are your mother's son, but you are not her property and you cannot live your life to her standards. If life is to have any meaning we must all be true to ourselves and plot our own course. It's the only authentic way to live. As hard as it may be to see your mother in such a state, you cannot acquiesce to her feelings, which are borne of ignorance. It will hurt you far more than it will hurt her, if you do.
James.....Hello and welcome to empty closets! Amen to everything that @PatrickUK has said to you. Remember that it is your life, not your mother's. Certainly, be as kind and understanding to her as is possible, but don't let this situation cause you to try to be something that you are not. I tried that and it almost destroyed me. Believe me, denying who you are will not lead to a happy life. Please keep us updated on how this works out. You are a part of our LGBTQ Family and WE DO CARE about you! .....David
