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She's Back

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Thirdtimecharm, Sep 21, 2016.

  1. Thirdtimecharm

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    What to do if what you once thought was impossible happens. She's back and she sought me out and I thought I could handle it better than I am.

    Quick summary my 14 year old Catholic raised self fell in love with my best friend in high school. We were inseparable until we got too close. Then she would completely bolt and turn into my worst enemy using my insecurities and vulnerabilities against me. We went back and forth in high school for four years like that. Very high highs and very low lows. Until Senior year when it was done. She cut me off completely. We graduated not really speaking and I thought I was going to have to shed my old self that had become completely consumed by this forbidden relationship (one that only existed in my head and was not acknowledged by either party) and move on. Until three weeks later and my graduation party. She showed up, out of the blue at nine at night. Random. But not random. Purposeful as she always is.

    We didn't talk for months. She reached out to me again in my first year of college, we met, had a marathon day and night together as "best friends" and then we fought a few months later and she left me this time for SEVEN years.

    I moved on best I could. She was identified only as my best friend nothing more, but in my heart I knew I loved her. But I couldn't talk about it or act on it. It wasn't who I was supposed to be.

    Right before I was about to marry (literally three months) she reached out to me yet again. She lived out of state and was not close proximity wise but we went back to our old pattern of talking non stop, texting, phone calls. Being far apart but being close to inseparable. She did not come to my wedding, which was just as well. She lived several states away and could not get home. She did move back three years later and lived within 45 minutes of my home. I was married at this time and pregnant. Was happy to have my best friend back and thought the feelings were gone. Not so much.

    Several years went by and we again became as close as we had always been. This time we had marriages and children to deal with. We saw each other a lot with the kids, sleepovers, quick dinners. My husband worked a lot and went to school and so did hers. It just worked. Then my feelings for her were hard to control. I would behave in such a way like a jealous GF and not a best friend. It got the best of me and ultimately she left me right in the middle of me having issues with my husband. She abandoned me like she had done so many times before with the only explanation being that she has several friends and no one is more special than the other. That she cannot have the friendship I wanted...never asked for anything different but I think that the feelings were getting in my way of seeing clearly our friendship and well she was non-committal to everything. She would flirt with me incessantly and we had this push and pull but we never had an overt discussion about if there was anything more than friendship. To me I felt like I was crazy and it was all in my mind and that she felt nothing. How could she feel something and abandon me as she did....

    I tried to get her back. Texted, wrote emails, tried to mend our friendship. She told me that she could not partake in all my drama and did not like my choice to stay with my husband whom she felt was verbally and mentally abusive. She said that she just couldn't.

    Three years went by. Lots of therapy for me. Getting over her. Accepting my sexuality which I had run from, suffocated, hide for a majority of my life. Finally getting to a good place, stable (as stable as one can be), found an amazing woman to have in my life to be my support and rock while I work out all my issues with my marriage (if I want to stay) and my sexuality. She is amazing and I truly am lucky to have her. I was starting a path to become healthy and move forward. Make the best decisions for myself and my kids.

    Then she texts me! Sunday morning I get a text from her. A fairly large event occurred in her life and she wanted to share it with me. She is sorry about things and does care about me but never had feelings for me like I did for her. She mentions that when important things in her life happen she wants to share them with me---I begin to shake. Literally shake. This woman who has had such a large impact on my life, contacts me, after cutting off contact with me three years ago and says she is sorry.

    I have no idea what to do. I want to throw up, go to sleep, run away. The amount of pain this woman has caused me...the amount of love I had for her....she is the reason I began questioning my sexuality. She is also the first person to have broken my heart....she was the first person I truly was in love with. And now she is back and reaching out to me.

    She is joking with me like we never stopped talking...like we haven't talked about how I felt about her. She told me she knew since high school. That she was mean to me in high school to get me to hate her and go away but I never went away...she said she tried so hard to push me away. But SHE ALWAYS CAME BACK. Even as young adults and adults, she pushed me away and then came back. She sought me out. She reached out to me. She saved all my numbers to her phone and email. Knew how to reach out to me. But she never felt anything for me...but now she is back. And she has joked with me...doing some of the same flirting she did way back when, sending me pictures and then stating that she never takes pics of herself---I have gotten three of her today alone.

    I thought I was doing ok with it. Talking to her a bit here and there...texting...then phone calls...talking twice a day. But she has no feelings for me. It is starting to wear me down. Mess with my head, bring up old feelings that I had buried.

    I thought speaking to her now could give me closure, but I am not sure it will. My amazing girl has been so supportive, loving and kind, giving me the space to do what I need (which is nothing more than finding closure, getting answers....I don't know...) she's amazing. I am so so lucky.

    But her, the original her, her coming back has thrown me through a loop. It is stressing me out. It is making me anxious. it hurts....its starting to really hurt....why would someone who has no romantic feelings for someone act like she is... why would she come back. Let me be, let my heart be.

    Sorry I needed to vent...this is really messing with me...
     
  2. Lin1

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    I think it's time to put yourself first OP and cut contact with this person.

    I understand that it's not an easy thing to do, but it seems like this woman has never really been a good friend to you. She seems to only want to be involved with you when she sees fits and on her terms, it's not what an healthy friendship is about.

    I don't know this woman but I think it's unlikely that she'll change, she'll probably disappear again soon, living you shattered as usual.

    As hard as it is, try to ignore her and her flirting and focus on the people who matters such as this other woman and keep yourself busy as much as you can. She needs to understand that she can't just re-appear in other people's life after years of not talking and expect things to be the same and to be received with open arms.

    This woman has been playing with you for so long because you've let her. She is obviously very aware that you still like her and use it to her advantage. It's time to toughen up OP and set some rules. If you still want her to be a part of your life, it's okay but make sure it's on your terms for once.

    Tell her that because of your feelings for her, you would appreciate her not sending you pics of herself etc... tell her everything that bothers you. If she is your friend, she'll want to help you overcome your feelings for her and will do what you suggested, if she ignores your requests and keep on doing what you've clearly stated makes you uncomfortable, then she obviously is not your friend and definitely doesn't have your best interest at heart.

    Hugs to you OP(*hug*)
     
  3. TreeTurtle137

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    I am so sorry. I have been in a similar back and forth. I think there's a lot from her side that's still unconscious to her. That means she's going to act in ways she doesn't realize her motivations. So dangerous.

    I think she probably does love you but will she ever find the courage to live authentically and honestly? I'd definitely create some serious boundaries until she shows real signs of change. Otherwise you're just enabling her and living in fantasy land.
     
  4. caliwoman

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    Third,

    Please consider going no-contact. Or say ur peace, then no-contact.

    She's not good for you. This is a cycle that she's repeating again. She needs her fix of attention and knows you'll be there to give it to her.

    Please get out of this situation. You need to take the control back, not in a jerk kinda way, but a self-empowerment way and get urself out of that.

    It's bad. And even though I know how hard this can be, you also don't need it. You really don't.
     
  5. Orchidea123

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    Read your post yeasterday and needed time to process - this is a Lot for you to handle, considering the length of time and all your efforts to detach yourself from her..

    Strange things happen in life, at the least time you would expect them to happen.
    You've put it all behind, moved on (easy to say than do), and now this.

    There are many questions, not sure of they are worth for you to get answers for.. It took you so much pain and effort to get where you are now.
    I don't know what event prompted her to get a hold of you, but I have a feeling she should be able to survive without bothering you. It seems that she easily slips in and out of your life while leaving wounds and path of destruction.
    I can understand if she was unsure what to do about her feelings for you and needed time away to see pros and cons, however, from what I've read, this is not the case?

    What concerns me is the fact that you've found a true woman to support you in everything and even though she is very patient and understanding about situation, if she has any feelings for you, it may be difficult for her on the inside.
    What I am trying to say is, don't do this to your new friend. Even though she is ok on the outside, she may be hurting inside and you do Not want to lose her.
    I would hope you go easy about this situation and really focus on who matters to you most and who you matter most to.
    Hugs(*hug*)
     
  6. Thirdtimecharm

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    Thanks everyone for the support and kind words. I must admit I am kinda a mess right now.

    It's been six days since she has contacted me and we have talked every day via text and phone (sometimes twice a day on the phone) and I am just at a lost. We are quickly going back to "our place" and it is really messing with me.

    I had "the conversation" with her. The one about my feelings, how I developed feelings for her and how that began my questioning of my sexuality. She continued the conversation with me which took me by surprise and also reverted back to flirting...and making comments. BUT stressing she did not feel the same way. She told me she has known since high school how I felt but never said anything...that it scared her. She admitted she has hurt me really bad and feels bad...I said to her that if she knew how I felt why did she flirt with me, make the comments she did, etc...she said she didn't know. I told her that it was a lack of respect on her end for me and my feelings. I told her thas she cannot continue to say those things now Bc it hurts and her response to me was well if she does say them then i should just know that she's kidding and she does not feel the same...WTH. Seriously. No...

    Yesterday she told me her husband found out she contacted me and he got upset...apparently when she left me three years ago she told her husband that I had feelings for her and that I was possessive over her. When she told him now that she contacted me he was not happy and she told me last night she would probably have to cut off all contact again. I don't know how to say goodbye aga for like the fifth time in my
    Lifetime.

    I know this is best for me...I know I needed to do it because it's obvious she doesn't have respect for my feelings and will play with my emotions but it just hit me. I broke down. Cried. My amazing girl called me in the middle of my break down and got upset that this situation and my old BFF are affecting me this much. I didn't ask for it. I didn't want it to affect me. It ruined my night with her last night. And she's distant. It's killing me because losing her because of my old BFF...OMG I don't know what I would do.

    I want this to be over. I need it to be. My heart is hurting again....I don't want to lose my girl I would be devastated beyond words.

    I have just had enough my heart cannot take much more...
     
  7. Orchidea123

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    Ok take deep breath.. You are sort of caught in the wirlwind of it all and you and I know it is only temporary. Trust me!
    If I were you, I'd be careful now. You admit your the girl that came back is toxic. No matter how your feelings are about her, every time she comes into your life all is ruined. And she even claims she has no responsibility for effects on you since she has no romantic feelings for you. That is absolutely no excuse to do what she does, and it is only you who can establish that - no one excuse whatsoever.
    I would say hang in there, you are emotional now and then very step you make - remember that you are a priority and the most important person to you.
    So, stay very low with your emotions as you know they will pass. Do not show any more drama to your nice woman - she does not need to see this. Be truthful to yourself and her(the nice girl), woman up, and make a decision.
    If you are dating her, trust is on the line here, big time. Show her your priorities, that she can totally rely on you, feelings for the other on cut off, so is contact. Show her that you absolutely know what you are doing.

    That is my opinion. How can you mov on to a much better state and happy life if you are dragging your past with you? You can not expect your loved ones of the future to deal with your past.
    That is not fair to them or you.(*hug*)
     
    #7 Orchidea123, Sep 23, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2016