I would like to start off by saying that I am very new to this community and I've never done anything like this, but I am very desperate and need all useful advice as possible. I have been in my relationship for ten years and I love her to death. We are each others first love and I know and have accepted that I am experiencing the "first love blues" by trying to make everything work for us to stay together, but I CAN'T help it! As typical relationships go, sex was great in the beginning...way more prevalent than it is now. I'd be lucky to get sex twice a month now! But there was always one thing I could never do and that's perform oral sex on her. Now, I know what you're thinking, "why the hell have you stayed with her for so long?!" Trust me, I've asked myself this same question multiple times. I've always known that sex wasn't an important factor for her and I have always had a higher sex drive. At the time I was young and knew what I was getting myself into, but I never thought that it would be this difficult! Now, she doesn't always go down on me, but when she does it's pretty damn good! And I would always say, "okay, your turn" and I would get turned down every single time. I used to think it had to do with her slightly more masculine side...I even thought that maybe she'd had a bad experience before, hell I even thought it was me, but nothing is adding up! During research I've come across weight being a factor and being self-conscious and all, and that was always at the top of my "reasons she won't let me eat her" list. I've definitely tried on numerous occasions to talk to her about this, but her reasoning is constant: I don't want it, it does nothing for me. She proceeds to get angry when I keep pushing the issue, so after a while I became numb to it and just accepted the sex we were having. But now in recent months, I've gotten the urge again. And its gotten to the point where I don't even want to have sex because I know what I want and am not getting it. It sucks that I only get 50% of her while she has 100% of me. I have probably been the most patient lesbian partner through all this, but I notice that I'm beginning to wander and seek attraction elsewhere. But I know I would never cheat on her. I just want her to see my point of view and understand how I truly feel about this situation. I need help. I'm near the end of my rope and don't know what else to do.
Hey welcome to EC, just so I make sure I understand fully, does she let you do other things to her just not go down on her or will she only do things to you and not let you touch her at all?
Thanks! She lets me play with her, no penetration, but that's all. And that's only happened within the last year or so.
So within the last year or so she has let you play with her? So before that nothing. Its a difficult situation you are in because really it would be good to know the underlying reason why she wont let you. I mean if it is just oral then maybe she just really doesn't like it, as much as you like it and would like to do it to her there are people that don't like it. Whether that means she isn't the girl for you or that it is something you can compromise on only you can know that. I get the feeling that despite the thread title there is more going on that just the fact she doesn't like oral sex? How are other areas of your relationship?
Its all I've ever asked for was an underlying reason, but she won't give it to me. As much as I've tried. As far as other aspects of our relationship, I don't think we have any worse problems than any other couples. I mean, communication could be better, but this issue of sex has always been a problem for me. I rarely address it anymore because it tends to upset her and she shuts down when talking about the topic so we get nowhere. I feel that with clear reasoning and better communication, I would be happy.
Well I suppose there is a chance it is never going to change, no matter how much you try if she choses not to communicate you cant force her. Do you think it is enough for you to want to leave the relationship for?
It's definitely always something that I've thought about. I've had times when I weighed my pros and cons and to be totally honest, it's hard for me to say if I could leave my relationship or not. I guess I look at it this way: I come from a family where my parents have been together 41 years and I've seen them get through some serious situations and I definitely look up to them. We have also gotten through things and I just want to hold out that hope that we will be okay. It would just kill me to leave a great relationship because of sex. I know that this will take some self evaluating and serious communicating to get through. I do appreciate all of your advice and feedback. It is greatly appreciated.
Anytime, I am just sorry I cant really be any more help. Perhaps you could try sitting down together and each writing 5 or 10 things that you would like the other person to do to you or for you. They don't all have to be totally sexual you could have a massage or cook a romantic meal, or take out on a date and then every so often you can take it in turns to pick one out. I don't think you should give up on trying to communicate with her about it, maybe you could write her a letter to try and explain how you feel and that its not necessarily an insurmountable problem but you just really want to know why. You can be there when she reads it if you are worried about her getting upset. I just find sometimes that with a letter you can think and re write what you want to say rather than things getting mixed up with emotions in the heat of the moment.
Any chance she has a case of internalised homophobia? Or maybe has not come to fully except her sexuality?
