Hey guys I have been on this forum for a while, I mostly read threads that I believe might help me somehow. I posted a few and I got some advices, but I think I'm still a long way from being totally ok with myself. I'm a 23 years old gay man. I know this so far. I'm able to admit it to myself and even tell it to some close friends, but I still haven't told my family. To be completely honest, I don't want to and I don't think I'll ever be able to. My family isn't completely conservative, but sometimes I hear them say stuff about the LGBT community and it makes me very sad, so I don't think I can tell them. Even though I'm aware of my gender identity and sexuality, I have never been with a guy. I have never kissed a guy and I have never had sex with a guy. To be honest, I only kissed a girl when I was 13 years old and that's the only intimacy I have ever had with someone. I have had crushes on guys, but I could never bring myself to do anything about it. There was only one time that I was able to tell a guy I liked him, but he didn't like me back, so nothing happened. I have tried to meet people on dating apps, I have been able to talk to a few people but when it comes to meeting in real life, I shut down completely. I have only been able to go on a few dates and I was completely inside my own head, so I didn't let anything happen. I feel like I'm totally incapable of having any kind of intimacy with another person. The idea of going on a date and feeling of being touched scares me, so I'm always running away from situations like that. There were a few guys that I talked to on dating apps which made me feel like maybe I could be comfortable around them, but I realized the only guys that make me feel like this are the ones who are probably not interested in me, so I believe I feel this way because deep down I know nothing is going to happen. With all that being said, I have come to a conclusion. I believe that deep down, even though I know who I am, I never learned how to accept myself. I never learned how to love myself, so I'm always running away from everything. That's why I can't have any kind of relationship and intimacy with anyone. I guess deep down, I'm ashamed of myself and I'm a little bit homophobic. I'm not homophobic in general, I'm all for the LGBT community, but I guess that deep down, I don't accept my sexuality. On top of it all, I have a history of social anxiety and depression. I even tried to kill myself once. I have some other issues, but I believe part of my anxiety and depression are caused by the fact that I hate myself and I don't know how to accept who I am. I think I have improved a little bit because at least now I'm able to talk about it and bring it up. I have been living with these feelings for a very long time and if it was 2 years ago, I would never talk about this to anyone, I would keep ignoring everything and acting like everything was ok. I can even tell some friends I'm gay, so I think I'm slowly moving foward, but there is still a very long road ahead of me and I don't feel prepared to walk through this AT ALL. I tried therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking to a therapist at all, so I'm kinda lost. I feel trapped inside my own head and I'm starting to lose hope. I'm starting to believe that I'll always hate myself and I'll be all alone for the rest of my life until the day I decide to finally kill myself, because I feel miserable all the time. I don't know what to do anymore. Has anyone gone through something similar? Does anyone have any advice on how I can overcome this? How can I stop being ashamed of myself? How can I accept myself? How can I move foward?
I don't know that I have any kind of answer because everyone's journey is different--but I can say I was there and I came through it. I grew up in a very religious, rather conservative household. My family is Mormon; combine that with the fact that I came out a few years before you were born and I'm pretty sure that no one I came out to had ever even met an out gay person, yet they certainly had a lot to say about it. And I just couldn't see a way forward. My senior year in high school I tried to kill myself--I just couldn't see a life that I could live. Luckily my Mother had some sort of premonition and literally got off the freeway and came home on her way to work for no reason other than a nagging feeling and arrived in time to have my stomach pumped. I was completely non-functional for three months--didn't even leave the house. I wish I could tell you what changed but something did. I really think for me it was going away to college and realizing that I could build a life of my own. It gave me the confidence to know that if I had to I could do it again. Back when I came out that seemed like a very real possibility--that I would have to just cut ties and move on--and I was honestly prepared to do that. In retrospect I should have had more faith in the people around me. It was hard for them but they rallied because they loved me. Before I came out my family occasionally said some pretty awful stuff about gay people. That stopped when I came out--in fact my Father rather tearfully apologized for something he had said about a week before I came out that had barely even registered with me. I know for a fact that my husband was one of my parents' favorite people in the whole world. You have to find a way to believe in yourself, to believe that you're worth knowing (fully, the real you), that you're worth loving and if there are people who can't see that, well, you'll find others who can. For me there was that tipping point where all that sadness turned to defiance, with just a tinge of anger--you have to find that point within yourself. Unfortunately, I couldn't even tell you where that point was within me, let alone within you--but I know it was there for me and I know it's there somewhere for you. It's good on the other side of that point. I remember my Mother saying it was like I was "finally really there." I couldn't have even imagined my life now when I was younger. I know if my 17 year old self had had even an inkling that it could turn out like this, let along that it would, he never would have taken that handful of pills. You have to be you--no one else gets to be, and there's no one else you can be. It's enough.
Yes, I think a lot of us have. But it's an individual process, there is not one answer to your questions. Just keep taking small steps, then eventually you will get there and will be able to be yourself. You're still young, take your time. It's not something you can do in an instant. Be kind to yourself.
