Sexual orientation and "daddy issues"

I'm wondering, how it feels to be "truly homosexual" when compared to just having a very narrowly targeted fetish or a fantasy.

Are you able to have sex and long-term relations with anyone you like, even if they don't match all of the very specific "turn-on" characteristics you might have?

I'm about 40 now and I'm still confused with my sexuality and it's so difficult to build a stable relationship because of that.

I don't feel sexual attraction towards any man's or woman's body "as such". I feel awkward and repulsed by the idea of having sex just for the sake of sex itself - my body does not react to this idea at all.

However, there is one thing that makes me feel something and can lead to orgasm at night when I wake up from a dream. It's a fantasy about a man who's much older than me, he could be my father. He's not aesthetically pleasing, he might look like your average old professor-ish-looking man. But he must have specific facial features that I cannot even name. It's somehow at a very subconscious level when looking at someone's face - if it does not leave the required impression of a calm, slightly authoritative person, then I find the idea of having sex with him as repulsive as with a woman or a man of my age.

In my dreams and fantasies, I always see a man dressed in a suit jacket. That's part of the turn-on, a naked body does not work at all. He hugs me and I feel accepted and acknowledged as being a "real man". Sometimes there are more men and we flow into a huge hug, and sometimes in the dream I look into a mirror and see myself becoming like them, and that's also a turn-on for me. I don't even dream about sex ever, it all just ends with the intense feeling of being accepted by someone as a man, which leads to the ultimate pleasure... and then frustration when I wake up and understand that it's all not real and impossible.

This craving for manly acceptance seems to be deeply rooted in my childhood. I'm short, skinny, and physically weak because of some development and health issues since birth. I've been bullied often and also criticized by my elder brother and a few male teachers. My father had alcohol issues and I did not subconsciously perceive him as an "authority" to have any impression on me. So, I have always felt I'm not "man enough" and there was nobody around to clear my doubts.

I have tried psychotherapy a few times with the hope that it would have an effect on my sexuality and help me to transition to a "true gay" or maybe a bi. However, it did not help much. I gained more self-confidence. I have a pretty good job. But I still don't feel any sexual attraction toward anyone closer to my age at all.

In terms of romance or even a deep friendship, I have never been able to establish good contact with men. However, I have had a good "click" with a few calm and nice women in my life. Being an introverted person, I always wished to be with someone who could create this cozy feeling of "home sweet home", and with whom to grow old together, so I was emotionally attracted to women who were good at creating this "cozy home" feeling.

I'm now seeing a lady of my age. We are completely open to each other writing long messages about our deepest feelings and fears. We live in different cities but we have met a few times during the last two years. She herself wants to have an intelligent and empathetic person who could also help her raise her adopted son.

She has tried dating men a few times and felt conflicted. Although they provided her with some sexual pleasure, she admitted she could stimulate herself much better, and also those men felt a bit too aggressive, emotionally detached, or not intelligent enough. It's not easy to find a good man who could be both a true friend and a lover. Especially when you are in your 40s and living in a small town and don't want to move to a larger city because of too much noise and stress there.

So if she wants to try having relations with a close friend, such as myself. It seems, there's nothing to lose, let's just try meeting more often and being together, right? But my subconscious part is torturing me with those "daddy craving" fantasies and I feel like a conman to even have the fantasies when I would like to enjoy being together with that lady, no matter if we are just friends or more than that.

I can't even imagine actually finding the man of my fantasies and how we would live together, besides those "daddy moments". We would be so different because of our age - different generations, different interests, and there is a high chance of me losing him too soon. I'm not sure I could even satisfy his needs with my very narrow and weak sexual attraction, so, most likely, we would end up as being just close friends, the same as with that lady. I haven't even ever met a real gay person who would match my criteria. Anyway, I'm not sure it's a good idea to establish any relationship based on a "daddy need", it just asks for a disaster. Unless there are any success stories. Haven't heard anything like that.

Anyhow, thanks for reading this. I'm still confused.