I have a somewhat complicated relationship with my sexuality right now and to be honest I am not sure what to make of it all. I had......weird feelings about sex. It just seemed a bit off to me how organs used for waste removal from the body end up being used for pleasure. The details seemed off to me really. Then there were the bits about how being a virgin was some kind of black mark on you, so I felt rushed to try and "pop my cherry". My first time ended up being in my car and I kind of felt dirty to be honest, and very nervous prior. Since then sex has kind of made me feel weird. Like there is this burning thirst for it and then when I look for someone to quench it I just feel guilt and regret. This happened for a while and it left me disillusioned about sex. It didn't feel like the fireworks people said it did, which was weird. I thought something was wrong with me if it wasn't good. It happened when I first tried anal. I was kind of excited but when I felt nothing down there after multiple attempts I thought I was broken. Fast word further and now things seem kind of sucky to be honest. I mean I used to be into size, but realizing that I can't really take it in either direction I feel like I suck at sex. And all the things that go into gay sex, I just get turned off pretty quickly that now I'm just avoiding it. My old BF was a strong issue since I didn't really have the same level of desire he did, which kind of made the sex feel forced, which made me feel bad for not being into it. It just felt like work. Even now I am at the point where I don't want the other guy to get me off too, I never really did ever to be honest. Because then the regret and sorrow would follow. I just don't know anymore. Something that is normal and natural to humans I just feel twisted about. I just don't know what to do. It's not like I can make the burning stop (desire), but it's sandwiched between the actual act being not that great. So I WANT something I don't really like and I can't make the feeling go away until it's done. I'm lost.
I was never into Anal sex at all. Not when I first discovered what it meant to be Gay and what Gay Sex meant at the age of 16. Not when I started online dating and meeting people at the age of 28. Not today, after meeting and fooling around with a few people. I know my body and I know my level of comfortableness. I know I'm not comfortable with penetrating anyone, or being penetrated. So I don't care about what anyone thinks of my opinion. Yes. When I first discovered how "gay sex" was performed, I was disgusted too. Similar to how you thought of it being 'dirty'. Now, my opinion is different. It isn't dirty anymore, but I'm still not comfortable with it. And it doesn't bother me. I've had quite a few 'dates' where guys wanted me to penetrate me or wanted me to penetrate them. I made it clear to them at the get go that I don't do either. End of discussion. Anal sex isn't the start and end of a relationship - long term, No Strings Attached, hookup or otherwise - there is so much more than can be done between two consenting adults. Try not to focus too much on only anal. As difficult as it maybe, don't give into it, if you're not comfortable with it. A true understanding partner or any guy for that matter, will understand where your comfort lies, and will support you or atleast you respect you for that. If they do neither, then they're clearly not meant for you.
I guess that’s true. I mean it just makes me feel incomplete though, that I’m a gay guy who doesn’t want anal.
