I do not want to make this post vulgur or over sexualised but I do want advice. I am hoping this will be a safe space to talk about my worries because I know I have had so much support on Empty Closets before. A brief summary of my sexual orientation (as a cis female) is that I am romantically and sexually attracted to men and sexually attracted to women/questioning. I find it hard to say that I am straight because I have had too many sexual thoughts about women for that to be true but as I cannot see myself in a romantic relationship with I woman I also do not feel that I identify with the label of bisexual. Anyway, my post is not directly to do with sexual orientation but with sexuality. I am a very sexual person, but I am so lacking in self-esteem. I am currently 18 years old, I had my first sexual experience when I was 14 and ‘lost my virginity’ when I was 17. Sadly, for almost all my firsts I was too drunk to remember, this is something I will always regret but in saying that I also do not think my experiences would have even happened if I was not drunk due to my lack of confidence. I have so many sexual urges, which I know is normal, but it is acting on them that I struggle with. I just do not have the confidence to make a move on anyone, I feel insecure about the way I look and have a massive fear of rejection, I tend not to take risks because of this. I have always felt lesser than my friends when it comes to attractiveness. I hate to admit my lack of confidence in the way I look because I feel that would highlight to other people my flaws, I am not one of these people who says ‘I look so fat today’, ‘I have a massive spot’ etc. because I want people to think I am confident in myself, not only is confidence sexy but like I said before I do not want people to see me the way I see myself. Basically, the advice I want is how to be confident within my self and my sexuality, I want to explore it and have fun. It is so normal to want to have sex and I do but I am so insecure that I struggle so much, hence why drinking helps me through this and why all my sexual experiences have been while I was drunk. I think I will always rely on alcohol to give me confidence but I also need more, I actually need to feel sexy and love myself. I do have ‘moves’ but I could never directly make a move on someone first. I tend to give a lot of eye contact, smile at them and I am flirty, but the fear of rejection is too much. I want to feel sexy and to feel like other people think I am sexy. How can I do this? Thank you to whoever got this far reading this, sorry for my ramblings, I hope you can help me, either way, have great day!
You have replied to my post so i thought i could do you the courtesy to reply to yours, is my personal suggestion is literally to have fun, go out clubbing and meet new people and just be yourself because if you are rejected then just think, there's no harm done. Have you ever heard about the rejection game? I heard about it recently and thought i could share this with you. But if you want to feel sexy, maybe just act sexy and see what comes to you in the moment Hope that helps, and if not, no worries !
I generally don't vocalize my dislikes about my body either. I don't get drunk to have sex, but I understand the lack of confidence. On a deeper level, we need to love and accept ourselves. I've been listening to books by Brené Brown and Kristin Neff and that's been helping me. They don't deal with sex as much as self compassion and shame. One thing that has helped me is seeing how everyone is "flawed". That skinny girls have stretch marks too. Pretty girls can look terrible from the right angle. That chests come in different shapes and sizes, but they all feel great. Everyone's vulva is different and varied, but a wonderful source of pleasure or to give pleasure. Everyone gets hair in odd places. Everyone has pudge. Everyone has lopsided features. Everyone has bumps, pimples, moles, freckles, and dents. Everyone has scars, if not now they will eventually. We're all very "flawed". We're all in good company. We're all human. I wrote some practical stuff but when re-reading your thread, I don't think it would be very helpful. I'm not sure if what I wrote is helpful either. I honestly think you would benefit from therapy that's personalize to you. To understand why you feel the way you do. Then figure out specifically what you can do to feel better.
