Seriously, what is up with my friend?

What I think, but I could easily be wrong, maybe she's a little homophobic and it's showing. She could like girls be too scared to come out and is worried you'd figure it out since your gay. Maybe she's scared you'll crush on her, one of my friends acted weird when she realised my type looked a lot like her.

 

I actually wondered whether she might like you! I'm not sure why I think this except for the fact that her lack of interest in dating up to now and not wanting to talk about relationships seems kind of like what many of us have gone through. And the fact that she doesn't really want to hear about your dating exploits seems to suggest jealousy to me. Or her feeling awkward because she also has gay feelings.

I'm probably wrong but that's the first thought that jumped out.

My advice would be to hold off on the dating stories for a bit and maybe pay closer attention to her with an eye to seeing if you think she is in a questioning period. Either way, you could always ask her if she's ok when she gets uncomfortable and see if that gets you any closer to what's going on.

 

this is a super great point! especially if she's weird around you in general, too. especially combined with internalized homophobia if she isn't cool with being gay/bi/queer/ace and attracted to you.

another thing might be that she's experienced some kind of trauma in her life that makes her react in this way. yeah, you've been friends for over a decade, but i deal with trauma i haven't told my friends of that long, either. maybe relationship-talk could bring up old feelings. morbid, i know, but could explain her uncomfortableness around the subject, even if it's just a basic overview without too many details.

just some thoughts!

 

Hi Sapphire,
While no one can know for sure why she reacts this way when the subject of dating/crushes comes up I would like to throw another possibility out there...because she sounds like me, or certainly the way I used to be.

This was because of such a pervasive 'worthless' feeling, of not being worthy of a relationship, and assuming other people thought that too. Being in the spotlight (esp in groups) and being asked about dating completely shut me down. Because I 'knew' I was not worthy like all other people and that I wasn't deserving of happiness, I didn't want to discuss my romantic interests (though they were there!). I truly had a fear that people who be thinking, 'why would she even think that person would be into her', why does she even think she could get anyone, she doesn't deserve happiness anyway!!' Of course my friends in fact were NEVER thinking these thoughts, so like you they were sort of baffled by my reaction to being asked about crushes/dating etc. But I truly believed others believed in my 'unworthiness' just like I did. It was like I was never thought I was on a level playing field with others...feelings like I never even deserved to be in the game. So I behaved in a 'not in the game' way when in conversations with friends about relationships.

Just wanted to throw that out there as a possibility. Your friends reaction to discussing or hearing about relationships COULD be about really deeply woven feelings of inadequacy she has about herself. Past trauma, as the above poster mentioned, and the deep rooted ways we are brought up to view ourselves can manifest themselves in all kinds of ways in adulthood. But this stuff is all hidden from others, and left friends of mine puzzled by my discomfort and reactions to some topics. Just like you are with your friend. Especially when I am sure YOU see your friend as quite worthy and deserving!

It is of course possible that any of the other thoughts that have been brought up are the reasons she's reacting the way she is.

She could be struggling with her sexuality, or she could really be into you and be too scared to disclose that!

 

You know, it could also be that she's just not comfortable talking about dating or crushes at all. She might be homophobic, but maybe she just hates the subject regardless of who talks about it. So who knows....maybe she just shut down because she's tired of talking about this and was worried that you might pry her for a story if you shared?

Honestly, I'm the same way. I despise being asked about crushes and dating, and I'm not asexual or in the closet about my sexuality. That is private to me and nobody's business. I also don't act that enthusiastic when my friends say they are dating or crushing, but this isn't related to sexuality. I don't care about it regardless if they are gay or straight. It's just a boring subject matter to me. I know It's important to others, so I will act happy for them if It's something that is brought up, but I get more annoyed when it becomes a regular topic of conversation.

I honestly think it would just be better to stop prying. If she has issues with sexuality or wants to share, she will come to you on her own.

 

Sorry if I might to imply that you were forcing it on her. I more so was trying to give advice to leave the whole thing alone and let her approach it, but you seem to being doing it already.

I think a lot of people overthink situations like this. Some people are private about sexuality and dating life. It doesn't mean they're asexual or gay in denial. They could very well be straight and just find that what they do is not the business of their friend group (or they could be a straight person who was raped or abused by a partner and now feels uncomfortable talking about it). You could even meet someone who knows they are gay and accepts it fully, but it still completely private and uncomfortable talking about their dating life and crushes. It's a personality type that differs from person to person.

Course she could be non-straight, but that's also her business if that were the case. I think you're on the right track about leaving her alone to deal with this...some of the other advice given isn't as great, because I know that I personally would shut down or get even angrier if someone tried to push something private out of me that I didn't want to talk about. I think a good friend should keep what their friend wants in mind, and you seem to be doing great about that.