Seriously Struggling

I haven't posted anything on this forum for a few weeks because I started high school and haven't had the chance to, but now I really just need to vent. Also, just for some background information, I should mention that I have anxiety and have been seeing a therapist for that for a while now.

Okay, so I started high school a few weeks ago and when I did, a personal goal of mine was to meet new people so that I could stop hanging out with friends I knew from middle school who weren't the greatest.

Anyway, I started sitting with these girls at lunch who I knew somewhat well from earlier years and always kinda liked but never became real friends with. Last year, I had heard rumors that one of the girls, who I'm just going to call, "Jane", for storytelling purposes, wasn't straight and was dating this other girl in our grade. I'm not 100% sure if they were true or not, but one of my best friends who I seriously trust asked Jane's supposed girlfriend if it was true and she said that they were indeed dating (They are friends so it wasn't a really weird thing to ask).

I always really liked Jane as a person because she is so sweet, and honestly I just relate to her so much but I was never really super close to her until this year. We talk everyday at lunch and it has literally become the best part of my day. I had no idea how she felt about me though, and even though I still don't really, I learned that she at least trusts me enough to open up to me because of something that happened last week. She got my number from one of my other friends, and then texted me after school, opening up to me about an eating disorder that she struggled with over the summer. She told me that she was anorexic and that she spent a few weeks in a hospital over the summer, recovering.

I have never felt so many different emotions at once. I was literally shaking. For one thing, everything just felt so much more real, and honestly that made me feel so scared. Later, I found out it wasn't something that was super secret but she went out of her way to text me about it. After that, we started texting somewhat regularly and I feel like some of the texts are definitely more than just friendly. I have never had a romantic relationship with a girl, and I'm only out to one of my siblings and my therapist. I obviously know that just because she texted me, it doesn't mean that she has romantic feelings for me. It wasn't even about that though, it was more just that it felt like it could be something that might be possible and that was terrifying. It made me so happy that she was willing to open up to me, but then at the same time I also think I felt a little guilty. I thought that I completely excepted my sexuality, but I guess not because I was just filled with so much shame for liking her. Also, I don't really know how far into her recovery she is so she might not even be ready to be in a relationship right now.

Another problem I have is that I really don't know anything certain about her sexuality or relationship status. The girl that I mentioned earlier for having been her rumored girlfriend is definitely not straight, and is open about that. I don't think Jane is open about it though (Although I have never mentioned it so I don't know). She has talked about how she comes from a somewhat religious household and I was talking to one of Jane's family friends today (another girl in my grade) and she referred to the supposed girlfriend just as a "friend" of Jane's. Last year, Jane and this girl were together practically all the time and I would occasionally notice the girl being really close to Jane and sorta touchy. Also, I know more than one person who said that they saw them kissing outside of school but I never saw it myself, so I can't be sure. This year though, I haven't seen them together once. Me and Jane were walking into school one day and the girl was near us and Jane seemed to be avoiding her. This has happened more than once, so I literally have no idea what is going on with them. Overall, I'm just really confused.

We have a school dance coming up and someone mentioned it at lunch and I said that I didn't know if I would go because I didn't really want to go without a date. Jane seemed upset and she said that she didn't have a date either but she was still going but that I went that she would hang out with me. At the same time though, that could totally be a friend thing so I don't know.

Anyways, clearly this situation is really confusing because I don't know for sure anything about her sexuality, relationship status, or how she feels about me. That's why I have been so anxious about it though, I like her so much but this situation is so complicated and I think I need to work more on self-acceptance.

Honestly, I just needed to vent because I have been feeling so incredibly overwhelmed about all this and I know I haven't given you any solid information to work with, but any advice would be appreciated. Also, thanks to anyone who responds to this mess of a post.

Thanks friends!

 

Yikes. That sounds incredibly anxiety-producing. xD

No, in all seriousness though I don't think I'm ready for something that drastic but I do think I am going to take her up on her offer to meet her at the dance and hang out with her. We'll see how it goes from there. I think my end goal is probably to come out to her, gauge her response, and then based on that decide what to do next.

I got invited to her birthday party but I'm not going because it's going to be mostly her friends and none of our mutual friends are going. Also, if that girl goes and they are/were dating I don't think I could handle that without showing at least some disappointment.