Self doubt: In need of opinions from trans people

I apologize in advance for the long ass text and grammar.


So the thing I never dared to say to someone so directly is: I feel like a boy. Or in other words, I would like to be a boy, as you want to phrase it, it sounds somehow both stupid. Normally comes now a long story to childhood and how you always behaved differently and knew that you were in the wrong body.

As far as I can remember that was not so in my case. I was in the kindergarten the leader of a couple of girls who have been scuffling with boys every day. I've played with Monster High dolls and otherwise but also with dinosaurs and lightsabers. However, I can remember that I definitely never wanted to be a princess, but to be a pirate was very cool, which does not mean anything imo but anyways. I also know that I likde Lillifee but I'm sure that if I had known Marvel back then, I would definitely have lived it out, which I've been catching up in recent years.

I know I wore dresses, but I'm pretty sure I only put it on because my mother gave it to wear to me. I was and am very quiet and was back then even more than today a "people pleaser", I did not waste much thought on it. If my mother only gave me pants, I would have worn them too. At puberty, or actually a bit before, I hated dresses and especially skirts majorly. It was uncomfortable, too much space "downstairs" and upstairs it felt a bit strange.

Since then, I have only worn pants and shirts or tops, unless I wanted to please my mother and wear a dress to a party or something like that. In rare cases I also found the dress beautiful or simply liked the fabric, but I never felt really well with them and more like I would dress up. At my youth consecrate I also wore a dress (at least selected by myself) but before I was very hard thinking about putting on a suit and told my parents. Of course they have thought of a "women's suit" so it was a shirt plus Blazer.
But that was fine with me because I would have looked stupid in a men's suit anyway, apart from the fact that I would have never gotten one. But when I tried on the blazer that moment was over quickly because that just did not look good with my figure (and stupid long hair). At my graduation, however, I was the only one wearing a pair of pants (among the girls) (my mother had given me a blouse, at least it was dark blue ).

I had also thought long of cutting my hair short before my youth conserate (before I just let them grow), which then ended this year in a side and undercut with still long side hair on the right.

I didn't cut them sooner or off entirely especially because I did not know if short hair would suit me, I was afraid of reactions from others (especially because I was being bullied in middle school) and because my mother liked my long hair. Just last time I told my mother that I've wanted a real undercut for years now. However, I am afraid that I will look morelike a stereotypical lesbian than a boy because of my figure and facial features.

I was never happy with my body either. First, I thought it was because I'm too fat. But in the past I was slimmer and yet I did not like myself. That's why I've imagined myself more muscular, slimmer and with short hair but I still did not like the picture in my head. When I thought away breasts and vagina, and just saw a muscular short-haired boy, I liked my inner picture much better.

I've been paying close attention to how I see myself in the last year, and especially this year and I can say in retrospect that I've imagined myself as a boy since I was at least 11 years old.
When I had daydreams I was a male figure, when I replayed situations in my head, I imagined how I would have reacted as a boy.
When I have imaginary conversations with fictional characters, I am automatically a boy. When I'm online, I always say that I'm a boy or sign in as a boy on websites/games. I do not like it at all when someone sees me online as a girl and uses she/ her.

I can not say exactly how it is in everyday life but I know that sometimes I feel weird or think about it afterwards when someone addresses me as a girl or sometimes I know that my parents mean me with the pronoun "she" but it feels distant from myself.
If I have to indicate my gender during tests, I tend strongly to boy but I have to take girl and it always makes me feel weird.

I do not like my name at all. Whether it's mainly because he is French and I for reasons hate this fact or because it's because it sounds so clearly feminine, I do not know. But I know that it is at least half of the latter. Even though I feel bad about it bc of my mother because she has chosen this name for me, because it is something special and of course she likes it very much.
The only fact that makes me hate the name less is, when I tell myself that it is a male name, because the second half of my name "Beau" stands for the male "beautiful" in French.

I do not like my breasts. I used to think they were terrible because they are just ugly shaped, but even if I think of them as pretty shaped or smaller, I just dunno what to do with them. They are just there. And disturb. They are big, always in the way, bra searching is a pain (especially since I loathe bras with a fervor) and in general they feel soft but that's about it. Most of the time they feel like 2 weights that dangle on my body and that I could live gladly without them.

Lately, I once again stood in front of the mirror and tried to push them away with my hands to see if it makes me feel better, but that did not help because then there were my wide female hips staring at me.
With my lower regions I can do even less. I can not imagine sex with that, nor do I ever want to have sex with it and the thought is weird and eww and in my fantasies I'm always a boy. Especially since I'm not really the typical "I'll touch my fingers down there and that feels good" person. Believe me I tried it in the beginning ... but nada. I really do not feel anything great about it. I never look down there except to shave and that's enough for me for the day. I do not want to start with the period. I'm just doing what is necessary not to bleed over myself and everything and I'm really glad when it's finally over and I could really cry when that bs starts again. But I'm sure that the period is shitty for anybody.

I have been researching and thinking on this topic for many years, reading a lot, trying to find common ground with trans people who are sure with their identities, watch lots of videos about it and see how I feel about it. I learned about hormone therapy, what it entails and complications. The same thing I did with sex-reassignment surgery, read and heard about risks, whether the end result is worth for such a drastic procedure, pros & cons weighed between phalloplasty and metoidioplasty (because I would also very much like to have a penis). Honestly, if I could choose without complications and full normal functioning, I would definitely want to have a penis.

I have informed myself that I can have egg cells frozen, if I want to have biological children later (I am sure since I already looked for baby things like crazy a while ago), but which is very expensive as well as the OPs (And because surrogacy in Germany is forbidden and I can badly implant the egg cells to my male partner). And one does not know which doctor is best suited for all this in Germany for the best result or whether one would have to do that even abroad.

I always have all these thoughts and feelings, inform me intensively and also have my doubts.
Do I think too much and just imagine something? Do I not feel like a boy and something else is the problem? Am I fake because I am not so keen on a beard, excessive body hair or hair loss due to the testosterone? Do I just have a problem with myself or my body?

I have also heard of people who have been misdiagnosed and are not trans, and detransitioned bc they regret the hormone therapy and surgery. Will that happen to me too? Would I all of a sudden feel the gender dysphoria when I start or finish my transition, and I was just very confused and now I've been in vain for nothing?

Constantly, when I have the feelings described above or watching videos of other trans people and comparing myself with them, these questions come to me and I feel even worse to really violently depressive (I am already in therapy for social phobia and depression btw) and it just busies me for a long time. I can not tell anyone or talk about it and the problem with these questions is also that, according to other trans people, nobody can really tell you whether you are 100% sure trans and that you yourself are never 100% sure or will be and always have doubts.

Now recently I thought about a binder for a while and have been looking for the best to try it out and see how it makes me feel but I'll probably never be able to do that without my parents seeing me wearing or even ordering it. An excuse would be to wear one for cosplay but that is already risky. The same applies to a packer, I can never order something like this.
I hope I get my mother to let me get an undercut or something like that first in the near future, to see how I feel with it.




I would appreciate opinions of what you think about my gender or just tips for anything in general.

 

If you have any LGBT supportive friends, have them call you your chosen name and pronouns and see how you like it.

That's the problem I don't even have friends and due to my social phobia I would be too scared of asking them either way even if I did have some.

As for binding and/or packing, how accepting are your parents of LGBT people?
Not much, my dad is already pretty homophobic even if he says he isn't and my mom is acting weird about it too. They would probably deny or not even listen, when I start talking about trans people they would maybe even be disgusted. (My dad already looked scandalized when I started using men deodorant)

If you started binding, would it be noticeable?
Yes very I have a D-Cup and even in my biggest hoodie you can see them so if I start binding that would be a huge difference.

And the problem with ordering is that I have to order things over my mothers amazon account and she would see what I ordered.