Throughout my life, I feel like I've had crushes on a few men, though they've been few and far between one of them was very strong and developed into love and a romantic relationship. But I never wanted sex, and had a lot of trouble with any amount of intimacy, kissing, making out, and so on. I thought I was asexual, or at least, less sexual than most. For a long time I had no major desire for a relationship at all, though as I've gotten older I've started to desire one more and more. I wanted a guy I could be best friends with, that I could cuddle with on the couch and watch cartoons with, and have fun with. But I never desired anything physical. I often had thoughts of "why can't I just have a roommate relationship with a guy?" or "maybe a long distance relationship would be easier because then we wouldn't have to be physical with each other." But now that I'm letting my feelings for women come through, I know I do have sexual feelings, and they are for females. Yet sometimes I find I'm still drawn to men. Rarely do I feel attracted to random guys on the street like I do with girls. Occasionally I'll see a guy with a nice body and admire him, but I am not sure if it's the same way I "admire" girls or not. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't? But there is one guy I am friends with that I've developed a small romantic crush on. I feel drawn to him, and repelled at the same time. I think I'm realizing that I've always kept men at arms length not just because I was nervous around them (which I am) but because I just literally do not want them to touch me. I don't generally like being touched by either gender in a casual context (hand on the shoulder, etc). But with this guy, I find myself pushing and pulling mentally because I kind of like him, I'd like to be great friends with him, but I'm afraid that it could develop into something more and I don't want it to go that way because it would mean we'd eventually have to be intimate. When I think about that, it's like a wall goes up in my mind. I've only recently learned that apparently tolerating intimacy is not enough for a partner, which is something I think I could do, but I guess it's just not fair to your partner, who wants you to enjoy it as much as they do. Honestly, I've been so repressed that even the idea of enjoying sex is a foreign concept to me, though if I think about it with a woman it feels more.. gentle and easier to accept, I guess? I suppose this post is me realizing I'm probably gay. I just worry that I was able to repress so many feelings toward women for so long that I could now be repressing feelings for men, instead. But I also know at the same time that when I was growing up I had zero interest in men, and maybe I need to listen to my younger and less socially pressured self. The self that said she never wanted to get married, the self that scribbled little doodles about female friends in the margins of her notebook, the self that fell completely in love with a female friend though circumstance prevented her from sharing those feelings.
That is, I'm gay. I'm a lesbian. Thanks EC, for helping come to learn about this part of myself, and start on the road toward self acceptance. [YOUTUBE]moSFlvxnbgk[/YOUTUBE]
The only way to survive and thrive through a storm is if you have a strong hull for protection against the waves, a good compass for directions and a keen eye to prevent you from hitting your boat against the rocks. That also works on land too. Good luck
Yaaaayyyyy!!!! Congratulations. I hope that you continue to listen to your body and stay in tune with what you really want in future relationships. Letting go of the repression is big though, digging through the past is almost a futile attempt to decipher photographs faded and altered by the lens of time. But you've come this far, you seem to know the truth.
Great post and congrats! I can relate to the intimacy tolerating part. I used to think that if maybe I try to concentrate more and relax more I'd be able to enjoy it but in the end I realized that not only it did not work but it's not what it should be about in the first place.
I'm so glad this site helped you in this time of uncertainty. This really is, for some of us, a very difficult thing to recognize, understand, and accept - but EC helps. And thanks for posting that video - I haven't seen Frozen but I certainly like that song. (It's amazing how Disney can crank those out one after another, and they're all pretty good.) Congratulations for coming to this point. It can be the hardest part.
Thanks, Henry. My hull is weak, but I am always working to strengthen it. I've got a keen eye, and I think I may finally be finding my direction, though the waves are certainly still rocking and thrashing at the boat. Thanks . I feel a lot of relief at this moment. I hope it's a feeling that will persist. Our view of the past is indeed often tinted, and things may be misremembered or forgotten entirely, you're right. They also say "hindsight is 20/20" however, and as I've been reflecting I have come to many small revelations and remembrances that all point in this same direction. Thanks . Exactly. Since I also have anxiety, at the time I had such intimacy issues I felt it must be because of my nervousness and inexperience. But it wasn't even just discomfort but a total lack of desire for intimacy with my boyfriend, or men in general, paired with my newly acknowledged desire for intimacy with a woman that makes me realize even if anxiety were a part, it certainly wasn't the sole or even the main reason why I couldn't and didn't want to make things work. I am just hoping that when/if I find a girlfriend similar issues won't arise, but at least theoretically speaking I feel more open and relaxed about the idea. ---------- Post added 11th Jul 2014 at 03:54 PM ---------- Thank you, Jim. This site has been a huge help. Being able to connect with people going through the same sorts of feelings I have been has been amazing. It's also helped me to see where my feelings lie on the spectrum of sexuality in comparison to others, by reading about other member's thoughts and experiences and comparing them to my own. You should give Frozen a watch . It's a great film about familial love, and self acceptance.
Hi thestorminside, well done on coming out with this, I know that to express one's genuine feelings can be emotionally challenging, from my own recent experience, because by opening up and being honest, there can be this feeling of being vulnerable momentarily, well at least I felt that way. But as you can see we all support you here, and wish you well on what is an ongoing journey of discovery, I'm finding. Sometimes I even feel like "oh, I've made it, I know for sure now!" but then I find out that I was mistaken. What I mean is, this journey can be tumultuous at times, I've had some pretty high ups and some pretty hard lows thus far. Maybe this is normal? Just wanted to say to just remain totally honest with yourself and in touch with your feelings in the present moment. And be kind to yourself, that's the most important thing of all. So if the waves get rough, if it's a tough day, the mental habit of being kind and nurturing to yourself, will help you to weather 'the storm'. Damien.
Thanks, Damien. It is definitely a moment of vulnerability, to expose one's deepest feelings to oneself, and to others. I still feel some doubt and hesitation, but I also feel quite comfortable right now with the labels "gay" or "lesbian." I know it's possible my perspective might change in the future, but with the information I have now, I feel it's as correct as I can be. I'm drawn to women, and though I have liked men in some ways I have no sexual desire for them. I feel like I could have a fulfilling and connected emotional relationship with either gender, and I have, but with a woman I welcome a sexual component, whereas with a man I want nothing to do with it. I think a large part of determining a label for yourself is letting go of preconceptions of that label. I'm not a man-hating tomboy with a buzz cut, nor am I a hypersexualized femme, which are the most common lesbian stereotypes you see in the media. I'm me, who happens to be a woman who likes women, which is the definition of a lesbian, after all. You're right that I should continue to remain honest with myself and my emotions, and I am working to do just that. I think the extreme highs and lows are quite normal, and I've been experiencing them a lot, myself. Some days I feel on top of the world, well, I should say, some hours. I can start a morning this way, feeling true to myself, open, and honest and comfortable, then somehow quickly descend into severe depression or anxiety. I think it's all part of the acceptance process. Thank you for the advice, I will try to be kind to myself. You do the same, too, ok? Thanks . Yes, I've been listening to it a lot lately, especially when I feel down. I think in the context of the film it has a pretty different message, but on its own it is quite the coming out/self acceptance anthem.
Don't worry you will not only thrive but you will not only survive but you will arrive at your destination which can only be love
Just wanted to pop in and say congratulations. I read some of your threads/posts before, and I could understand how rough this journey was for you. But you made it! (*hug*)
That's such a nice sentiment, I really hope you are correct . Thank you Thanks. It has... and the road ahead is also going to be bumpy. I suppose it's cliche but it's not the end, now, it's the start of something new. I'm doing what I can to steel myself for these next steps on the new journey I have to undertake, now. Self-acceptance, and of course, coming out to others.
