So recently I started dating one of my friends. They're ftm trans bisexual like me and also in a transphobic home (their parents know but aren't accepting). We both go to a Christian home school co-op and it's a really small school. They aren't anti LGBTQ, it's actually quite funny how many of us there are in the school . When we discussed how we should handle the relationship, we agreed that it should be secret, if our parents found out, we'd immediately be separated and get in ass loads of trouble. Our cover is "Two really good friends who hang out a lot". What I had questions about is do y'all have any stories of similar situations? We were thinking about telling a few trusted people who are LGBTQ, but is that a good idea? My parents monitor everything and I have literally no privacy, which sucks. I really like them and they've expressed the same feelings toward me. I honestly don't know how to handle the starting steps and ways to maintain our relationship.
Hello, @Parker22. This is a tricky situation, in all honesty. My first instinct is that if you date on the DL, someone is inevitably going to find out or blow the whistle. That isn't to say it absolutely will happen that way, but that it's something that could, and if it did, how would you handle it? When you say you'll get in a lot of trouble, what do you mean, exactly? Or what kinds of reactions do you fear/expect will occur? If there's any risk of your parents kicking you out or being abusive in any manner, I recommend the utmost caution in how you approach entering into a relationship, or postponing doing so at all until you have some sort of safety net in place. If there are any organizations like PFlag in your area, it might be a good idea to get in touch with them and explain your situation. Oftentimes, there are members who will happily shelter any LGBT youth at risk of abuse or disownment in coming out to their parents. Approaching one such organization may allow you to progress with your relationship in a relatively risk-free way. I hope this helps at least somewhat. Don't be afraid to reach out or keep us updated if anything happens.
Hi Parker22! I'm also a bi trans guy and in a secret relationship (well I'm open about it when I can be, I don't like lying or having to lie) in a house with my transphobic family. BiGemini87 gave you some pretty solid advice there, if you'd be putting yourself in danger it would be best to wait. If not then here's some advice for being in a secret relationship. If you know your friends can keep a secret then you could tell a few and let them in the loop- but only if you know there's no chance they'd slip up (otherwise it's too risky). Things are a bit different for you than they are for me, I'd have no excuse to even know my girlfriend if we were seen together. To sell the two of you being "just friends" you can't look at each other like you want to be together or act like a couple unless you two are totally alone. You can't do anything that would lead anyone to suspect you are anything more than friends or you'll get caught. So for example, if you want to hold hands and that would be out of the ordinary for your friendship, wait until you're alone. This will not be something easy to pull off, and at times you may have to hide your emotions from people to avoid suspicion. Never leave physical evidence of you two being a couple anywhere- not even in your phone. This is risky, and both of you need to be aware of that. At times you may get frustrated with the situation, whatever you do, don't direct that frustration at your boyfriend or anyone else- find a healthy way to relieve that stress. Communication between you two is going to be crucial as well, hiding like this can kill a relationship from the stress (especially when you don't communicate your feelings). i hope this helped, I wish you both the best of luck!
You can't guarantee your secret won't come out, so first you both need to consider and prepare for the risk it being revealed. Getting into serious danger is not worth it, and I would say the safest goal is to work toward at least physical independence, usually by going to college. That said, if you still want to be in a relationship, I would say the less information other people have or can trace back to you, the better. That's where spending time alone away from others can help.
Hey y'all, thanks so much for the advice! Sorry I haven't been on lately. My parents took away my stuff again, ugh. I really appreciate the advice you all gave and its helped us get some better insight on what we should do. We're meeting tomorrow with some of our close LGBT friends who can definitely understand the situation and help when needed. Honestly I don't know what my parents would do if they found out. My dad would definitely be more hostile (he's been physically abusive before in arguments where he knows he can't change the way I am), and my mom would most likely be disappointed but not super angry. The thing I can see them doing most is just taking everything away like they normally do, everything in my room except the mattress and sheets on the floor and all electronics so I can't contact anyone. Honestly this is the first person I've ever had true feelings for and vice versa, so I'm willing to take the risk.
I guess I do understand that. It's been a long time since then though and he felt quite bad about it afterward and started with a therapist. I highly doubt he'd do it again, but the thought is on my mind.
Before he started seeing a therapist, was your father's abuse frequent? Because some of what you said here is what I dealt with growing up, and it's definitely a pretty big deal. I mean, great that he sought out therapy--but unless he keeps it up and both your parents stop taking away everything (the mattress on the floor is a red flag for me), then I wouldn't trust them with this matter. It's good that you're in touch with other LGBT friends on the matter. Are any of them the kind of people who can/will open their home to you if the worst comes to pass? Whatever you decide, whatever happens--please, please be careful.
