Hello everyone. I have been looking for clarity and people to talk to for over a month now and have been unsuccessful and I'm hoping that my luck is changing by stumbling across this site. About 2 months ago, my (33M) wife (36F) caught me chatting with men online in a sexual nature. We have been together for over 13 years, married for just under 3, and this has happened off and on throughout our entire relationship. The last two months have been extremely difficult on both of us, yet I think we've also both grown quite a bit in the process. I admitted to her that I had two experiences in person with men, the first before we were together and the second while we were dating and living together. Since then it's been strictly online (not that that is any better and I know that it's still cheating). What I'm having trouble with, is ever since being "caught" I don't feel any attraction to men. I don't feel the urge to get on the website and talk to other people, seek the attention and validation that I'm wanted and desirable. My wife is scared that it's due to the guilt I feel for cheating on her and hurting her so badly, but I think it's more than that. My first interaction with a male, I was 19 and scared out of my mind. I wasn't sure what I was sexually into as I'd only been with one girl in high school and I was just confused and unsure. I met up with this man after chatting online with him for a few days and he seemed to reassure me that he would take good care of me. That quickly turned sour and he penetrated me without my open consent and I froze while he continued to go deeper and the pain became so immense. I had repressed this memory until this whole scandal happened and while doing research, came across something called "sexual disorientation" which relates to trauma and becomes a way of someone reclaiming the power of the narrative. This could explain why I continued to seek men out online and talk to them suggestively, it doesn't defend my actions but could very well explain the why. I know that no one can tell you you're gay/straight/bi and that it's something you come to on your own. I just don't know if I got delayed because of a traumatic experience affecting my view on an entire gender, or if I'm generally not really attracted to men. I've never desired to give or receive anal and I don't even enjoy giving head or kissing another man. It was solely for one act, receiving oral, and even then, it was all in messages and not in person (except with one person 4 on separate occasions.) If anyone has some kind of a similar story that they can provide their experience from, I would be forever grateful.
lostconfused.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation"there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
@lostconfused There's a lot going on. The experience you had where you were trespassed on is trauma as I see it. You described it vividly. I think it will take time to sort it out. It's going to take a combination of things such as getting in touch with yourself, people here might share things that could help you and you can learn from, and, if and when it comes to it, therapy could help, but that's a vulnerable place and it either takes a while to get there and some may not go. I know I pushed it off. There's no right answer. Your wife seems supportive. That's a good thing. I hope that your intimacy with her has not been affected too much. I remember reading about the difference between guilt and shame. Neither of them do us any good. If you can try to curb the guilt, that might help you. Easier said than done, I know. I hope that you can manage to stay in good spirits, be surrounded by some support, and peel the onion in due time. We are all onions with a lot of layers. People here try to help others here the best we know how.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement! Yes, I'm blessed that have a wife that loves and supports my mental health journey but at the same time it tears me up that I've broken her and caused her to feel as though she's lived a lie for 13+ years. It's challenging feeling her touch and comfort me knowing that the only reason I'm breaking down and feeling lost and hopeless is because she caught me cheating. We have made the decision to separate for a month or so in a couple weeks just so we are able to have time to ourselves away from each other. It scares me thinking of being apart because we hardly have been since everything happened, but I also know it will be a necessary next step to take.
Welcome to EC, @lostconfused. I would say the trauma has most definitely had a negative impact, both on your attractions to men, and in leading you to take the actions you did. I'm glad you're trying to make up for your mistakes, and that your wife is being so supportive in spite of her own hurts; as long as you two continue to keep things honest and work together, I'm sure things will work out for the best. The break you go on is definitely a scary experience after being together for so long, but sometimes taking a break allows you to find the clarity you need--and sometimes that means both parties moving on, and other times it serves to strengthen the relationship, because sometimes what we find is that the most important thing in our lives is the person who's been there all along. I won't say which way this will go for you, because it's different for each couple. I will say that I hope, whatever happens, it's better for the both of you. Outside of the trauma and the online infidelities, the best way to puzzle out your orientation is to reflect on your experiences as a whole. I don't mean your sexual experience per se, because even a virgin can be straight/gay/bi, but more about your physical and emotional reactions to members of both sexes, starting as far back as you can remember. Much of my sexual awakening has been a retroactive experience, and it's not an uncommon one: many people have had to work it out in much the same way, and for much the same reasons--trauma being a particularly big one. Take as much time as you need to work through this. Journaling can help, if you find it easier to sort your thoughts by putting pen to paper or in some cases, fingers to keyboard). Or you can try doing it in voice recording form. Whatever is comfortable for you, so long as it helps.
Welcome to EC. You have definitely landed on the right site. There is so much support and help here. At some level you and I are just here to challenge our confusion and become unconfused. I have gotten great clarity from folks here and my confusion has turned into being able to out myself to my wife because of the certainty I hold very dear today. You’ll find your truth if you keep pushing through your confusion and whatever it is, you’ll know. Jump in and swim….
