I'm 34 & just in the last 2 years have realized that I am attracted to both men & women. My initial reaction was to suppress the attraction to women as it goes against my faith. As a southern baptist conservative any type of homosexuality is seen as a horrible sin against God. Two weeks ago I finally came out to my therapist as bisexual. I knew she would be supportive (not just because she's my therapist but because of the type of person she is). My problem is that all of my closest friends are members of the church. I mean my best friend is the pastor's wife & I'm very close with the pastor as well. I have started to realize in the last 2 weeks that maybe I don't believe exactly like my friends do when it comes to God. Faith had always been black & white to me but now I see that there is a lot of gray area. My fear is that if I tell my friends they will distance themselves from me or, worst case scenario, leave my life completely. And I know that if they choose to leave I should let them go but it will hurt tremendously. I habvent even thought about coming out to my family yet. Although, I have a gay cousin & they support him completely. I'm just scared of losing my friends.
If you loose your friends then they are not proper friends in the first place. Also say if you do there are other people to meet throughout life. You dont have to be stuck with the same social group. Is there a gay friendly church near you that you could perhaps think about becoming involved with? Could you get some support from your cousin?
My only fear in talking to my cousin is that he may inadvertently out me to the rest of the family. I guess that isn't really too big of a deal but it should be mine to do.
Poppy is right - true friends will be there for you always, and the one's that aren't were never really true friends at all.
Poppy typed exactly what I was thinking. True friends won't leave you. And the ones who do aren't meant to stay.
I completely agree that true friendship is there to support you through exactly these times. If they aren't supportive and loving of you unconditionally then they aren't true friends. Something I've found from my own experience is that faith and spirituality deepen as sexual orientation is understood and accepted. You aren't meant to have the same path as everyone else, and your unique struggles are also your unique treasure. In my mind the church can be legalistic and about rules, whereas the spirit is within you and is your direct link to God. You will have to listen to your spirit, define your own spirituality, and potentially find a new church. Coming out is wonderful but the freedom it brings comes at the price of letting go of the past and old assumptions about ourselves. I have a feeling you're embarking on a very important journey where you will re-evaluate some of your assumptions. In time this will be a source of joy and liberation, but for now it's going to feel scary. *warm hugs* Patrick Seattle, WA
As part of my coming out process I told a self-professed conservative Christian friend from Fort Worth that I was gay and divorcing my wife of nearly 35 years. It was a shock to her and she cried, but I'm not clear whether it was over my being gay or getting divorced. We continued to talk, she offered to pray for me, and we continue to be friends. To be sure, we're not close friends and don't live in the same state nor share the same religious beliefs so our friendship is different from what you have within your church community. However, as others have written here, true friends won't abandon you as you come out.
Thank you everyone for being so supportive. I know I'm embarking on a new journey and while I am very excited to see what lies ahead I am very nervous as I have never been a big fan of change. Just hoping my true friends & my family will be supportive in all this.
Don't be, you might loose a few but, those you will gain are some of the best people in the world. I just got a powerful reminder of that today. When it matters, it's my LGBTQ friends that are really there, that find the humor in the worst situations and, somehow make it all okay with just an "I love you."
I'd hate to go against the grain here, and if anyone truly feels I am incorrect, please correct me but I think that saying they aren't your friends if this upsets them may not be completely helpful. Sure, it may be true in the long run, but it is never easy to lose friends or potentially lose friends. Is there anyone at all that you can talk to about this that isn't those friends for now? I came out to only a very few select friends. My guy best friend since childhood still doesn't know. Sure, my situation is different because I'm already married with kids, but I still fear how he will react. I assume he wont care at all, but I would be afraid of changing the dynamic of our friendship. Maybe not just because he may or may not see me differently, but because of how I might feel about how he may feel. It sounds like you're in a difficult situation and I worry that the first people you come out to may not be the best candidates as your first. I would hope you find someone supportive to come out to first. If not, of course we're all here for you! I could be wrong about all of this. Only you know what their friendship means to you and how it can or cannot change. Of course, it's more important to take care of yourself so if they can never accept you, then they aren't friends. But maybe start off by talking to someone who you are pretty sure will support you? Do you know anyone?
I lost someone who I thought was a friend when I came out to her. It really hurt me. So I totally understand how you feel. I now realize she never was my friend, but it still hurts to this day. I have no words of wisdom or advice. I just wanted to say I know what you're going through. It sucks to come out to someone who you consider a good friend, only to be rejected when you do so.
