After almost four years together long-distance, I moved in with my fiancee a couple weeks ago. We're also living with her mom and a friend of hers. My fiancee has been living alone for the past two years and she's having trouble adjusting to living with people again. We haven't kissed at all since I moved in. She doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me. Last night I finally told her that I felt like I'd done something wrong and she confessed to having trouble living with others and that it was worse with me because we're sharing a bed. She's used to having her own space and now, with me, everything is shared space. After her mom moves out, we're going to renovate the house--including turning the basement into a series of individual spaces for each of us to get away when we need to. Unfortunately, that could be months away. I'm terrified that in the meantime she's going to realize that she doesn't actually love me.
Hey that's a tough situation, I think communication is just going to be key through the adjustment period. I'm sure she is not going to decide she doesn't love you it's just going to take her a while to work out a new normal. Perhaps you can have an evening where she goes to bed first and so she has the room to herself and gets to go to sleep before you come in or something like that. Did you used to stay over at her when she used to live alone?
Thanks. Unfortunately, no, I never even saw her place when she lived alone. She was in another country and I was never able to visit.
It's totally normal to take some time to adjust after moving in together with someone (especially moving into a group of people as well as into a relationship). It does sound like she's struggling a bit - perhaps there's some sort of private space she could find in the house, or even nearby, until you have more space to renovate? I like silverhalo's idea, and perhaps there are other options depending on the house. Even a coffee shop nearby could work if she likes it. Also totally normal to feel badly about your partner reacting this way. But I'm sure everything will work out - and for what it's worth, almost every couple I know who owns a home has some "private space" set aside for one or both people: an office, a workshop, anything. Sometimes more than one room per person! It's all about finding out what sort of arrangement both people are comfortable with. Might it also help for your partner to see a counselor for a short time? Assuming this is something she's interested in doing of course.
Hey Aspen, As Gravity indicated, it will most likely just take time for her (and you) to adjust to the new 'normal' in terms of your living arrangements. It's not at all unusual for someone who has been living independently for quite a while to feel restricted when they live with others again. In fact, in the military, it wasn't at all unusual for spouses to develop independent, comfortable routines when their military member was deployed away from home for long periods of time. And a common early reaction was to ask when the military member would (or even could) be deployed again because they missed the 'freedom' that the physical separation provided them in their daily life. I would also agree with Gravity that you should consider just giving her extra time and space alone as she adjusts. In terms of your concerns about her romantic feelings for you, now that you are actually interacting in real life, have you started to make a real effort to do romantic things with her (like dating-type activities and other things that that two of you can enjoy while reveling in being in each other's company)? Just some thoughts.
Thanks, ya'll. I'm thinking about accepting a part-time job that'll get me out of the house a few hours a day. Hopefully that will help. There isn't really any private space in the house until we go about renovating. I told her if she wanted some alone time in our bedroom she could let me know. She said there isn't any comfortable place to sit in there. She's been spending a lot of time in the living room and she says that's enough. She doesn't have a drivers' license and there aren't really any good hang-out spots in walking distance. We've talked about her seeing a counselor before when she returned to the States but she's unemployed and can't drive so I'm not sure if that's something she's still planning on doing. I've made a couple of suggestions recently and her response has been lukewarm at best. There's a new movie in a series that's always been an official date night between the two of us and I really want to suggest that we shut ourselves away for a couple hours to watch it. But when I mentioned that the movie was out to her a while ago, she was basically “Yeah, sure” and then she never brought it up again.
Do you have a driving licence? Maybe you could drop her off somewhere occasionally and then pick her up a bit later. A part time job sounds like a great start. Do you feel like she is struggling to explain what she needs or how she feels?
Living situations are huge life-changes, and her reaction is to be expected. I think her complaints are basically correct, it's just what can you do? My advice, admittedly at the high-perspective level, is to tell her "This too shall pass."
I can kind of see where your girlfriend is coming from as I can get quite irritated with people when I feel like I don't have enough space to breath or be by my own and if you went from rarely seeing each other to seeing each other ALL THE TIME + she went from living on her own to going back to live with her mother, her gf and a friend so that's probably a lot to take in for her if she, like me, like her own space and time. I think it's important she gets time for herself. I have no idea where exactly you live but if you area is walkable, suggest she goes for a walk when she is feeling overwhelmed, leave her the house when you can. Like organise an evening out with friends for yourself and go without her, make sure she can do the same even if you have friends in common as I think it's important you also have a social life that's separated from each other (if that's not already the case). Make sure she knows that if you are available, you would be happy to drop her off somewhere a bit further away. Also tell her that while she can happily tag along to the events you go to, she can also stay at home and relax if she prefers and that you won't begrudge her for it. She will get used to have you around and you being there but in the meantime the little things are what matter. Make sure you both communicate openly and freely with each other and maybe create a code (if she doesn't dare to tell you when she really needs space for the day), like leaving something on the (bedroom) door when one of you would like to tell the other that they need a bit of a break but they will back outside later on to catch up. Just a few ideas. Do you work or are you both at home the entire day?
I do have my license. I'd be open to dropping her off somewhere but I'm not sure if that would help. I know she's struggling to talk about her feelings and what she needs. We've talked about it a lot in the past. She has a tendency to be very passive-aggressive when she's upset about something (and she behaves the same way when she's stressed, which is why it scares me). She's had relationships in the past where she was called a bitch for sharing a concern. I try to listen and acknowledge her worries whenever she shares them with me, so she knows that I won't do that to her. She's unemployed. I have a part-time job that's only two afternoons a week. We're both looking for something full-time but we haven't had any bites yet. I've been feeling a lot better lately. There hasn't been any vast improvement but I don't feel like she doesn't want me here anymore. We're moving in the right direction--albeit slowly, but I'm okay with that.
That's great that you feel like it is a time least heading in the right direction. It's tough when people find it hard to talk about how they feel but old habits can be hard to break. Do you think she might feel easier sharing it by writing it down? Or maybe you can work out some sort of code so she can do something when she is feeling a certain wya so you understand but she doesn't have to say anything. Do you think she found it easier to talk to when you were long distance and by email etc?
I do. We both communicate better over text. The conversation we had about how I felt like I'd done something wrong and she was having trouble adjusting was over FB when I went home for a night to pack up more of my stuff.
I can understand that, maybe you could have a text conversation open at all times, be that Facebook or text message or email. In time face to face will get easier but you have enough change on your plate at the moment so anything that can make it easier has to be a good thing.
Just give your fiancé time to adjust, I'm sure she'll get better after a month or so. Also, I'm sure she still loves you! But if you're genuinely scared that she doesn't, maybe you guys could see a counselor soon? Hope this helped! -BiDragon PS: I love your username!
