Relationship Troubles :(

Well, I'm I've been with my bf like 1 months and 19 days so we're around the same point in our relationships! Keep in mind before I start, my relationship has had many challenges and has been actually rather dysfunctional a lot of the time, but I'll try to lend you what advice I can to these issues.

1. You shouldn't need to do anything for someone else to stay with you. My bf really pressured me to come out, and when it didn't go well he felt guilty about it. Work is stressful and talking about that stress helps relieve it. If he wants to be a drama queen about hearing you complain about work then he doesn't deserve to have someone care about them in my opinion.

2. I think this is an issue in a lot of people's relationships. Me and my bf all the time have this back and forth, "Well I wanna do this. That's okay? You aren't just doing it to make me happy right? Well I only wanna do it if you do." Perhaps more importantly, I think its insane he stays with you that little and makes a big deal about it. I try to spend the night with my bf at least once or twice a week these days and he STILL guilt trips me about how its not enough and he doesn't see me enough and all that stuff.

For real though, if you've been together over a year, and you are both in your 20's I think he should expect to be a little closer to you then you seem to be.

3. I think that its totally natural for you to want more physically out of your relationship. I think its very unusual to go that long in a relationship without having sex. I mean, I don't think sex should be the priority in a relationship, but its still important that a couple compromises and can both be happy with the arrangement.

I would go so far as to say that if he NEVER plans on having sex with you, it would be fair to tell him you want an open relationship where you could sleep with other people if you wanted. If sex isn't important to his relationship with you, it shouldn't be important if you are having it with other people. I realize that's probably not what you want though. If it were me the only person I would WANT to have sex with is the person I'm in a relationship with.

I wouldn't say you should give him an ultimatum, but I would express to him your honest feelings about wanting to have sex with someone that you are in a relationship with. If he doesn't want to have sex, that's up to him, but he should at least hear you out and be respectful of your desires.

You have a right to be happy. To me it sounds like this guy is just interested in what HE wants out of a relationship and doesn't care about what you want. In my opinion, I wouldn't issue ultimatums, but I would sit down and discuss these issues with him. If he's not willing to compromise some of them with you, then he's probably really not that interested in your happiness, and you'd probably honestly be better off with someone who will ultimately make you happier.

 

From what you mentioned it sounds like you are more invested in the relationship than your boyfriend. To what extent is hard to say and then only you would know. I'm not saying an ideal relationship is 50/50, it's hard enough to realistically work for that. But an significantly unbalanced relationship isn't healthy.

You are hungry for recognition in the relationship, it seems. Your boyfriend is either apprehensive or uninterested in your needs and when he does fulfill them it doesn't sound like he does so out of genuine concern, at least not your own (the I-slept-over-your-place-so-you'd-stop-asking scenario fits that bill). All we want in a relationship is to be recognized and validated by our partners so as to know whether the relationship and our investment into it is worth it.

It could be that his providing ultimatums is his way of deflecting his share of responsibility of maintaining the relationship. Think about it, if your boyfriend is claiming "If you don't stop complaining about your job then I don't think there's a future for us" is to minimize--drastically--his fair share of the relationship by putting the weight of it almost exclusively on your shoulders. That is an unfair position he's putting you in.

We don't know why he's deflecting other than the possibility of fear of intimacy--both emotional and physical. The best way to know is to simply ask him about it. There's no guarantee you will get an answer to your satisfaction, but if you initiate the conversation from a learning stance, asking him to help your understanding and curiosity of the behavior, and firmly but politely stating your frustrations while maintaining your interest in keeping the relationship going in a positive direction, you may find that he'll open up to you. Intimacy and vulnerability are scary for a lot of people because we don't know how the other(s) are going to perceive us when we are in our most vulnerable. By helping him understand that you support him being more open and honest with you, you may help him open the lines of communication better.

Just a thought.

 

Well, I'll preface with the standard disclaimer: I'm not really an expert at dating. so I realise that the ideas I have might be harder to put into practice when the guy is really in front of you.

That said, however: some thoughts that spring to mind:

Points 1) and 2): I'm getting the idea that there's really a lack of communication here. As in: both of you are telling the other that you want (or don't want) something, but not so much why you want the other to do so (or why you don't feel easily able to change your behaviour).
Leading to beating a dead horse until there's a lot of pent-up frustration leading to ultimatums and passive-aggressiveness ("oh well, if it really means s much, then there!").

So maybe you might want to work on that. Let him know that these kinds of ultimatums are really causing you distress, and that you're listening to him even if he doesn't go to such extreme lengths.
If you don't agree on a course of action, then try to find the deeper reason. WHY doesn't he want to spend the night? And most importantly: is that something you can work on? Why do you really feel like him spending the night would be a good idea? Is there a compromise? (and similar for other problems, like "why don't you feel comfortable or at ease proposing dating ideas" or "can you keep the bitchy kind of complaining about work to a minimum and phrse it in a way he can give input too?")

Especially if you're already bad about reading body language clues, putting things into words and having a discussion (instead of just venting) might help a big deal


About point 3) (which might tie into the prevuious two too)
I'm thinking that it could be several things. And the one that springs most to mind would be that he might just be a guy who likes to stay in his current comfort zone. Let's face it: things went pretty well for a year without sex or too much PDAs. He knows he survived for about 2 decades before without touchy-feelyness or bumping together naked bodies. So the current setup works, and changing it for something where there's all these added expectations, likes and dislikes to consider. Sex changes things, and he might feel that, now that he feels everything is going well enough, it's not worth the risk.
Doubly so if he's not the sexual type to begin with. If he has little drive, then he'll be even less inclined to change things around.
(Or, at least that's the first idea that springs to mind, but I'll confess that that might just me projecting my own attitudes onto your boyfriend)

In any case, that's also best talked about: be open about not having sex being a source of worry, and asking him more about his attitudes. WHY wouldn't he want to go all the way? Is there some precondition he feels isn't fulfilled? Is he not a sexual person to begin with? Is he interested in slightly expanding the range of physical affection, and if so, what would he like to do?

Don't ever (never, never ever) give ultimatums about sex, though. That is a recipe for disaster. Even if it gets you sex, it only gets you sex with a guy who was strong-armed into it. I hope I don't need to spell out why that is a bad idea.


Now, it could be that, if you talk about it more, you're discovering you can't come to a compromise that works for the both of you. That's not dishonourable, though it does probably mean the end of the relationship, with both of you hopefully learning something and moving on. It is, however, the better kind, compared to not talking and both of you building up frustrations and ending it in flames.

 

I don't know everything here (obviously), but it seems to me that you're doing a lot of changing for him, while he's... not. And that's not very fair.
It seems that you desire intimacy a lot more than he does, and that's not a match made in paradise either.

And all of this no holding hands, no kissing, no staying over, no sex stuff... I hate to suggest it but it may be that he has someone else, or is at least looking - and again, I may be completely wrong here, because I don't know the two of you personally.

Or he just may be kind of immature when it comes to relationships - when I was twelve I defined dating as holding hands after school and walking to the 7-11 together. But I'm not 12 anymore and now expect a bit more!

 

^ I agree with all this.

Personally I wouldn't put up with any of the behavior you've described, but that's just me.

I think it's time for you to issue an ultimatum of your own:

"If you don't stop withholding intimacy and refusing to communicate and compromise with me, I'm not sure this relationship can continue. I mean I can handle it for like another month, but if it keeps going like this..."

 

I'm gonna go ahead and throw out, I don't think he's cheating on you. That's just my 2 cents worth, but its kind of irrelevant.

From the sounds of it however, you do have sex, you are not intimate, he doesn't seem interested in spending time with you alone (or perhaps much time with you at all), he disagrees with you on everything, he's unwilling to compromise, and he in general seems very selfish.

To me it doesn't sound like much of a health relationship... or even a relationship at all. That being said, its really easy to tell people that someone doesn't seem good for them, its a lot harder to be in the relationship and acknowledge it.

 

Blunt voice coming through. I left a (straight) relationship when it became clear there would not be sex. Why? Because life's too short to worry about God peeking in the window when I'm about to partake in life's greatest physical pleasure. Every two minutes you had to walk on eggshells making sure you never even acknowledged sex to begin with, like we were really six years old again. That's not a relationship. That's a friendship.

You got needs, man. Yeah, sex isn't the entire relationship, but wheels aren't the entire car either. They're still very important to the motion of the vehicle. Don't piss your needs and youth away on somebody who's unwilling to have sex with you like I did.

That's not to say it's lost like mine was (this one was unsalvageable because in the end, she just loved God more than me). I'm actually more concerned for him because there has to be some sort of psychological obstruction that's preventing him from enjoying a satisfying sex life. So, my suggested course of action is to ask him to see a professional, or just talk with you about it. He clearly has an issue that's interfering with proper functioning of the relationship, and it needs to be addressed.

 

I am going to say read Jon Snow's last comment. It is very true, actually, combining Jon Snow and Filip's comment.

I dated a guy but only did things that were in my comfort zone. And I kept the relationship going even when my initial feelings changed. I began to see him less and less because other things and outings with friends took priority and I began to talk to him less because of all the complaints he spread about his job. I bought something expensive for us, something worth $2400. And as the relationship kept going we didn't kiss as much if at all. And I don't know, I was comfortable in this setup. In the beginning I was discovering myself and so I was more intimate. Later on it was clear that it was outside of my comfort zone.

Yea, its scary how close you can put me in your boyfriend's place. I was less and less emotionally invested and when he gave me the talk about it as you seem to be planning to do soon, I ended it. And my intuition (as i am very intuitive about people's types just by learning their behavior anecdotally) is that he more or less will react similarly.

It is time for you to decide, is this type of person worth your time and attention, or do you want to find something better, more deserving of your love. In the long run I think its better for you to break up with him and be with someone your type.

 

Sometimes you have to recognize where his comfort zone lies. For certain people, no matter how great the love affair, venturing out of the comfort zone is a deal breaker, especially at the young age we're.

Focus less on observing the lack of compromises in the things that would be considered uncomfortable, but focus on the behavior in the relationship where it tells you if he's into you or just maintaining the relationship for the sake of not being single, because I can imagine that with his personality type he may just be too lazy to be out in the dating scene again so he keeps you around? And so, he tries to mold you into the shape that he wants you to be.

Best of luck.

 

Well, I'm passing over a few replies of yours in the meantime, but let's go back to this:

That really is the "I was going to come out, but the afternoon was so nice and I wasn't going to break it by coming out, so I kept quiet. But I really will do it when the perfect moment comes along!"- excuse.

And to date, I rarely ever saw that one being effective. The best way you can come out is by saying: "today is he day and I'll do it, come hell or high water!"

So, while this isn't coming out as being gay, it is, in a very real sense coming out. Coming out with doubts about the relationship.
It isn't going to be the easiest conversation you ever had, and there is some risk attached, but I really think you need to schedule it, or else things will continue to fester. And you don't want to have this kind of conversation when you're both getting angry and annoyed.

So maybe try treating it like you treated coming out to your parents: something you need to do. Next date, resolve to start that conversation and when you're in a place where you aren't going to be disturbed, start with: "there is something we need to talk about..." and go from there. Because otherwise, those doubts in your OP will not go away by themselves.


And, I don't ever try to go diametrically against other people's advice, but I can't resist doing so here (sorry, Maverick...)

This is precisely what can blow up everything. Passive aggressiveness, using the same behaviour you hate in him against him and emotional blackmail to get sex. Even if he accepts, that's not the kind of way I'd want anyone to lose their virginity... There's unkinder words I can think of for "forcing someone into sex".

Good results are usually better gotten through negotiation than through ultimatums.

 

That's exactly what I felt. You may not have to issue an outright ultimatum, but at least try and press the issue. There's a mismatch and one of you is certainly not satisfied.