Reflecting on coming out to my family

I am kind of nervous about calling dad for fathers day later. We have not spoken as much since I came out, and not at all about gayness. I'm worried that I am a disappointment to him and that he will somehow communicate that on the phone. He's super nice, so this is kind of an irrational fear. But, it's a fear.

 

Dad called me. He's on a road trip to see my brother. Nothing bad happened.

---------- Post added 19th Jun 2016 at 05:17 PM ----------

I'm listening to the audiobook American Savage written and narrated by Dan Savage. I'm really enjoying it. I slept through part of it last night, I kinda skipped to the middle of the book. But, recommend.

 

When I spoke to my mom on Sunday on the phone, it was so not traumatic that I didnt even need to come process it here

She is kind of sounding happy and excited about "your news" as she calls my being gay. I thjnj she feels like one of the cool kids, that she is starting to understand this "new" sexuality thing that people are talking about. She joked around that the last two quilt tops she made before my news were rainbow colors. (I refrained from saying thats cuz she likes really loud, garrish color schemes, not ghat she has psychic lesbian prediction skills. I should have told her again how much I like the brown and navy one she gave me this year.) We talked about my need to schedule a psychiatrist (done!) which meant I shared just a bit about how considering coming out and then coming out has affected my emotional life, which was cool. I think it is getting better. She will still say awful stuff at somepoint, cuz, my mom, but I think she is going to reach a point where she is on average supportive, and I think it is making her a more empathic /compassionate person over all.

 

My mom got fired today. Of my dad, mom, and brother, I'm the only one who currently has a job, and I got yelled at yesterday about stuff, casual mention of corrective action plan might be coming for "some people". Makes me so nervous.

But..... you know, since everything is about me.... I am glad I came out to family already, because it gave mom some weeks to process my stuff without the extra stress of getting terminated. Even though I came out like 1 day after my brother lost his job, that wasn't as bad as if I were trying to come out tomorrow, day after mom lost hers. I guess I'm saying, there's never a good time to come out, but there might be a worse one. I'm glad that I came out at the kind of bad time (brother fired) and avoided waiting til an even worse time (mom fired).

I'm also selfishly grateful that the things she got fired for happened a few months ago. Corporate just took a long time to decide. She did not make mistakes because of being distracted by my stuff. I'm grateful.

 

I have had really good days for the last week or more. Tonight I am feeling stuck and afraid. I think maybe Ican just do some self care? Smash a video game village, get a snack, take a shower, make some tea, go to sleep? Maybe that will work?

 

I had therapy tonight. I feel kinda like Igot run over by a truck. It wasn't really that hard to do. I just emotionally went places I didn't exect to go.

Theme word of the sessioned seemed to be about acceptance, like, feeling accepted by people I come out to, especially mom and dad. Not sure what all is hooking in to that work, but, a lot of things, I think.

I was able to say how I am feeling sad and bothered that I havn'et really talked to dad any more since coming out. He's still the emotionally safer parent, but I am no really sure where he stands with this stuff right now. He could have changed his mind about sexuality so much since we talked. I need to ask him out right. Coming out is a process, not an event. My process involves poking at my dad's emotions with a sharp stick in order to feel sane.

I am having lots of feels about my church people from before. THey loved me and wanted to help me so much. They were just also wrong about the sexuality stuff. I miss them. I hope sometime Ican be real and talk to them again. I think they will care enough to reconsider things. I just don't really know if... I don't know if I'm a dissapointment to them or not, for not holding on to all the religious stuff, for moving in the direction of looking for a relationship with a woman and being out, etc. I wish I knew if they would accept this version of me, when they accepted me better than anyone else ever had before. Am Isitll loveable, care-able to them even giving up all the religious rules about sexuality and stuff..... My pastor could still genuinely love his older son who gave up all all things religious. Maybe that would apply to me, too. I don't know.

Came out isn't quite the right phrase for when Itold church people several years ago about my sexuality, but Idon't have a significantly better one, so, came out it is. When I told my pastor, his good and caring response meant so much, in part because I thought I would never tell my parents. No I've told my parents. There are lots of feelings and comparisons going on in me. Right now I'm wondering if basically either my dad or my almost a dad really love and accept the gay me. I kind of want to know about one or the other at least. But, I'm not ready to talk to my church people yet. It's too scarry and vulnerable.

I gotta do hard things for work tomorrow. I don't want to.

.... In other news, I bought 12 cichlids (3"-6") and a pretty big pleco (maybe 8 or 9 inches?) From this local guy who was moving. He only charged me $20. Best fish deal ever. I'm enjoying watching them swim around and try to sort out their new space.

 

I still haven't brought gayness up again with dad.

I want to come out to dad's parents. I really want to hear from my grandmother about her take on her sister, who we think was gay. And, I don't think she ever cut her out of her life, and she took care of her for the last few years of her life. I would really regret it if my grandmother died and I didn't talk to her about that.

I think maybe I can 2 for 1 and tell my dad I plan to come out to his parents as a way of bringing up the topic.

---------- Post added 9th Jul 2016 at 11:19 AM ----------

Sigh. But I want to do it in person. Road trip might have to happen. Ugh.