Red Flags on Therapists

Well, I was molested by a female therapist/social worker and then tackled when I tried to run out of her office and she told my Dad that I threatened her and no one has believed me ever since. They all say I threatened her and she tackled me with righteous authority, but she grabbed me by my chest (I was a chubby kid) and jiggled me and said "Look your fat little titties you fat piggy-wiggy fuck."

That's why I only see male therapists in the off-chance I decide to actually go to therapy and it's why I'm so virulently against psychotherapy and so in favor of chemical pharmacology. We have medicine to treat mental diseases now, we don't have to talk it out like Neanderthals until a lady grabs me inappropriately and then beats me up and tells me I'm to blame.

 

Um, Benway, your story is pretty out there and definitely an anomaly, not the way things usually are in my experience.

Michael, I think you may be setting yourself up for disappointment by thinking of therapy as enemy territory. Most therapists have a helper/coach type of personality by nature. They want you to succeed. They may not always have all the answers but they will listen to you and help talk things through.

Other than obvious forms of craziness, the main reasons to leave a therapist are (1) you just don't get along as people and (2) they have a specific bias or dogma and try to fit you into it.

Neither of these situations is dangerous or threatening, just disappointing and annoying.

Think of this process like hiring a coach or a trainer -- you want someone who you'll get along with and is invested in your success.

 

People have been telling me that for almost twenty years. I know what happened, and it's one of the reasons I have so much rage. It's why I don't see therapists or believe in psychotherapy. You don't have to believe it, it may not fit your patterns or your precious statistics but it happened. And I'll take my hatred for the people involved with it to my grave.

 

Well, obviously, the therapist who equates everything to a passage from the bible or other religious text, who says they can fix you (ie turn you straight etc)

And my bug bear...the therapist who does not keep what you tell them confidential....I wont go to one again...ever...

 

Any breach of confidentiality is beyond Red flag, that's getting into malpractice and they would likely lose their license here in the US if a provable complaint were filed.

Other things to watch for would be one who is judgemental. But, this shouldn't be confused with someone who challenges or questions you. In fact, if they never challenge you that would be a good reason to find a new one.

 

Why do you feel you are entering the enemy territory? Are you not going there voluntarily?

You avoid biggest troubles by getting a licensed therapist. Someone with actual credentials from a respectable university.

The key to successful therapy is the right attitude about it and good working chemistry with the therapist. No matter how good or qualified your therapist is if you are not willing to really open up and take it seriously it will be just a waste of your time and money. And the same thing is with "clicking" with the therapist. If your personalities don't match then you are better off finding another therapist.

---------- Post added 23rd Feb 2016 at 02:04 AM ----------

When did this happen? Was she an actual therapist or was she just a social worker? If she was a qualified therapist did this happen a midst of the therapy session? I have heard of all kinds of abuse ranging from the therapist trying to have sex with the patient all the way to the therapist actually starting an affair with the patient but this is something completely new.

 

She wasn't trying to have sex with me, it was in between individual sessions of a family session with a social worker acting as a family therapist. If you don't want to call it "molestation" I understand but it was still incredibly inappropriate and it left me with a sour image of therapy, not to mention women in general.

 

I get what you mean by enemy territory based on your previous posts

You need to enter therapy (a.k.a. enemy territory) disguised in a cow costume like the movie Top Secret!. Just kidding. It's best to have the mindset that the therapist is not the enemy and is there to help you. Assuming that you can suspend disbelief for the duration of the session, try to be open to the therapist's questions and see where the exploration leads.

Having said that, the best piece of advice that I never got going into therapy is that there is an element of chemistry between you and the therapist and some therapists will click with your style and some won't. It's a matter of chemistry, just like relationships! You must become a therapist connoisseur, though seeing them as an effective investigator may be the better metaphor for you. You need to click with the therapist and feel that he or she is helping you make progress. Are they effective and efficient at investigating your past while also offering actionable suggestions on how to make things better? If after a few sessions you find yourself thinking "WTF?" rather than "Wow!" then you may want to try a different therapist. If you need to find a new therapist, you can use your previous experience to help guide your next round of therapy and express your preferences for therapy up front.

In summary, try to keep an open mind and realize there's an element of chemistry to the therapeutic experience and you need to find a good match for you.

 

ok, red flags; disbelief, pandering, offers to 'fix', disinterest, my fav eyerolls.

 

I had a therapist who exaggerated my incident (by a lot) when I went to the ER. When I first talked to the LCSW in the ER, she thought I just needed therapy, possibly depression meds. Then she called my therapist, who completely exaggerated my situation, so they recommended intensive psychiatric care. I freaked out so much. But no, I'm mentally fine. She just twisted my words to make me sound mentally ill...

Then she angrily called my parents, disregarding the fact that I made the decision on not wanting to go into that because I'm totally sane. That was very unprofessional. And I met with her once just last week because I panicked in school. She didn't even help. She just went on to berate my parents on not wanting to see her. Didn't ask why I was feeling so bad that day.


So red flags:
*Being pushy.
*Being non-professional
*Someone who doesn't take my words seriously
*Someone who thinks they know how I feel better than I do.

 

There are good therapist and bad therapist. The good ones can really help you through a difficult part of your life. The bad ones vary from incompetent to being monsters, Benway's story is not the worst I've heard of. Thankfully there are very, very few bad therapists out there.
It is very important to find a therapist that you 'gel with', that way you can get to the nub of your problem quickly. There are a large number of therapists that you will not gel with, it doesn't mean that they are bad therapist, it just means that they are not the therapist for you.
There is nothing wrong in saying to a therapist at the end of the second or third session (or any time) 'I'm sorry but I don't think you are the right person for me'.

A good therapists will help you solve your problems and be non-directive. I went to therapy to change my sexual orientation. Me being on this forum tells you how well that went. :eusa_doh:
I have several friends that went to therapy to figure out their sexuality. They all told me that it was the best thing they ever done for themselves.
Best of luck in your quest.(*hug*)

 

Hi michael

When I was in college, the psychology professors (most of whom were also actively practicing therapists/psychologists), as well as myself, pretty agree with what Chip said:

So I second what he has said with a couple exceptions.

They took the position that double relationships are to be avoided, but are not necessarily all unethical. For instance, it wouldn't be unethical for a therapist in a small town to patronize the local grocery store, even though one of the cashiers was a client of hers. Interestingly, I took a class on "group dynamics" in which the class would consist of group counseling led by the professor in the latter half of the semester. Because that was a double relationship (professor and group therapist), the professor ended up not grading us on the participating during the group counseling to avoid the ethical issue of being a therapist grading us on our therapy. Although, it's unlikely that you'll find yourself in either of those scenarios.

Regarding advice, I agree with the spirit of what I think Chip was trying to say about not giving advice. A therapist has an ethical obligation to help you fulfill your goal(s) - provided that there's nothing ethically wrong with your goal(s) - and occasionally giving advice can be a part of that help. However, just dishing out advice at you is not therapy, and I would consider repeatedly dishing out advice to be a red flag that the therapist has an agenda or is incompetent.


Also, if you've been in therapy for some time, and your life outside of therapy doesn't improve in spite of you putting work into it, I would consider that a red flag.

 

I went to one that was hell bent in convincing me that I had suppressed memories of my dad molesting me. No matter how much I assured him that it never happened, he would not give up. I now see a therapist who happens to be gay. Needless to say, I'm so glad I made the change.

 

That's a terrible therapist. You made a good decision to run from him.

 

I hope one day I can say this. I have barely scratched the surface on trying to figure out my sexuality with my therapist. i am too scared.

In theory, I agree with you. The BIGGEST mistake I made with my last therapist was that I stayed way too long because I wasn't sure how therapy was supposed to go, or that I shouldn't be filled with anxiety that she hated me for years on end. I just assumed it was me, and my issues.

With my current therapist, there is stll some anxiety, but it is much, much more reduced, and i've only seen her 7 months. THe last T, I spent the first year focusing on not throwing up before every session.

I did realize after the first session with this T, that we clicked pretty easily.

Some caveats: My T self-discloses probably more than most, though it is generally related to what I bring up. On my first or second session, she said that she sometimes talks too much, and please tell her to shutup if needed. She realized early on that I get overwhelmed if she talks a lot, so she has toned it down, but i also need someone who helps bring me out of my shell, so it works for me.

I think her boundaries are looser than probably many T's, and I was worried early on about it, and brought it up. She said that one of the benefits of having her own practice was that she got to run things how she wants, and she doesn't mind a lot of contact from her clients. She is also in therapy to keep her "stuff" in check, and she is professional in every regards, minus maybe a little looser boundaries.

The main thing is feeling like you "click" with your T. It is such a vague term, but when it happens, you realize. Of course, you can click with a T, and they can be terrible for you...just keep an eye out for those red flags.

 

Very basic differences in approaches to life can also get in the way. That means leaning very differently on topics like politics and religion.

Also, when the very issue you are trying to work on is one that the therapist doesn't sympathize with, hasn't worked with it much, and just doesn't know how to work with it. Some of the men here have gotten divorces and, for some, it was an arduous process. I don't know how wise it would be to have a woman therapist who might not empathize with the men going through this because other basic feelings she has may not get set aside.

A person has to listen to their gut. A person should also separate what's making them uncomfortable. If it's the topic that's difficult, then it's not the therapist. If it's the therapist that's making you uncomfortable, then it could be the chemistry between the therapist and the client ... or the therapist. Just because they have fancy letters and licenses behind their names isn't always a guarantee. Doctors and lawyers have impressive credentials and some have been in the media for failing to live up to professional standards.

 

The therapist should let the client make his/her own choices (unless their choice is to murder someone, or something like that). However, in the process of assisting the client achieve his/her goals, giving occasional advise can help a client understand what all of their options are for how to achieve a goal. For instance, if a client suffers from crippling anxiety, I think it may be good for the therapist to recommend a few techniques to manage that anxiety in the moment (i.e., advice). If the client would like that information, most psychologists would be able to teach techniques that are supported by evidence.

There have been a few times when I was in therapy (mental health majors were encouraged to go to counseling) that I wouldn't have thought about a certain option if the therapist didn't float that advice out there.