As I have mentioned in other threads, I've escaped my abusive marriage through her own medical misfortune though I still have to have somewhat regular contact. I am hoping, just as I can help people on their journey to sexuality acceptance, and others can help me with my yet-to-start coming out journey that there are those who can help me recover from that marriage. As with my sexuality, in hindsight it's all so obvious that she routinely gas lighted me, was using coercive control and financially manipulating me. It goes all the way back to the beginning because of a small confession I made that became the black mail. (BTW, does anyone know of a non-racial term for this? For example, a black list can be referred as a deny list) We had been dating for a year and had just started to become sexually active. I felt that I needed to be honest with her and told her that I might be bisexual and that I had had experiences with other boys in my old town. She was utterly horrified and demanded that I asked her to marry her to prove I loved her or she'd tell everyone my secret. I was terrified of anyone thinking I was anything other than straight, so of course engaged we got. This incident is not something I have ever told anyone. You can doubtlessly imagine where it goes from here. Anytime we argued, the threat of being outed was made. This eventually become less used as other forms of control came to dominate. She was a reckless spender and we bounced from pay check to pay check and borrowed upon borrowed. I had to sell my collection of Batman graphic novels, most of my DVDs, my consoles, anything really just to get through another month. Eventually finances got so bad that I had to go through a form of bankruptcy that thankfully meant we didn't lose everything. I fell time and time again for the "if we have a child it will improve things between us". I'm a slow learner and now have six children although the last one was a surprise. How could I be so dumb and also not get the snip? I dreamed of escaping, listening to music to escape for a short while. The lyrics of Pink Floyd's Great Day for Freedom and Interpol's NYC were my internal cries for help. With no financial means to escape with and fear that she'd manipulate the children, whom I love, against me and reveal my greatest secret, I stayed put. I have often wished I could jump in a delorean and stop past me from opening his big mouth. I'd also let him read all the posts on this forum to save him years of doubt and denial. I feel guilty for lying to both myself and to her about my sexuality, that I've wasted both our lives and we could've each been far happier with other people. I have the opportunity now to do so but she doesn't. I do feel sorry for her medical condition. To deteriate so fast months after having a new baby is not deserved by anyone. The baby is scared of her because she doesn't move or talk like other people. She also knows what's coming as she saw her father go through it. As much as I love my children, I feel horrible for the circumstances that brought them to be, and that they're all faced with the possibility of developing the same condition. Contrasted with this, other times I feel a huge relief that I've "won". I have the children, I've accepted my sexuality long last, and my coming out journey will accelerate once she's passed. I'm also no longer holednup I'my home office all the time to escape her. My office is now for work and I have reading and listening corner in the living room where I can enjoy myself with the children. Slowly the house is becoming more me and a lot less her. I still have contact with her wish can be challenging. I'm emotionally exhausted after every visit and end up sitting listening to music into the small hours. She gets the home to ring me regularly and she'll try to organise things, demand I move appointments if I can't visit that day and so on, so still trying to excert control. Today she's called several times demanding I visit but I have much to do here to finish getting ready and we'll see her tomorrow to have Christmas dinner with her at the home. Any help or shared experiences will be gratefully received. I'd love to know how people reconciled all these conflicting emotions. For those that have also had to maintain contact with their abuser, how have you ever managed to have an encounter without leaving you devastated?
I know you have regrets but you shouldn't feel guilty. As you said earlier you were honest and confessed your sexuality to your partner, and she immediately threatened you with blackmail and entrapped you into an abusive marriage. She is probably calling you all the time now because she knows she is losing all of her power over you and is bitter about it. That's all that she has left now. That guilt you feel is what your wife should feel. Not you. My situation is different from yours, but I grew up with an abusive father. My sister and I convinced our mother to divorce him and we supported her 100%. If we had to engage with him for any reason, then we compromised on terms to meet. If they were skewed or unfair, then we declined. If he tried to gaslight us, then we called him out on his B.S. in a resolute and dry manner. If it persisted, then we cut off contact for the day or walked away. If he tried to lay hands on my mother, my sister and I told him he would have to punch through his kids first if he wanted to get to her. So my advice is to only engage at a round-table not a kangaroo-court. You get a place at the table, not a place on a pedestal.
I needed to hear that, thank you. I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. Thank you for sharing. Sage advice, I'll see if I can't get the home to help. I had arranged a little visit with the home for tomorrow afternoon but she put us down for lunch, which I have to pay for. On the plus side, I don't need to cook anything tomorrow, but it's going to make the morning more manic.
