Realistic answers please: Full passing doable?

You just tell in the right moment. When you feel like it's heading somewhere serious and deeper, have enough trust for your SO, but didn't build anything on lies or assumptions yet.

 

I think we have a misunderstanding here.

I can't afford to be outed. And let's be realistic: If a relationship ends, it usually does with fights and tears. I can't afford believing that everything will be so different in my case. That I will save my princess from a dragon, marry her, become king of the pridelands and live happily ever after. It's not disney. It's times where it even is very likely that after years of marriage it all breaks down.

Who hasn't got that crazy ex that decides to ruin your life? And my weak spot is that where I belong and what I am is not compatible.

 

Could I ask why you feel this way? Is it because you live in a dangerous environment, or something else?

 

Because I have a project in certain environments that would fail with a lack of trust. How dangerous it is, I don't know and I don't care. But my project is important for me and not for all the love and money in the world I would let it fail. It is my life and my future.

It's what I do best, but what I do best isn't very nice *dramatic quote*

 

Fair enough. I won't ask about what exactly the project is, but would it interfere with any relationships? If not, then it wouldn't be necessary to reveal your identity in matters involving your project, even if you did tell people close to you.

 

You're 18 and yet already so jaded. Whenever you truly give your heart to someone regardless of trans, straight, bi, gay or anything else, you have already given them a weapon so powerful to destroy you. That is what love is.

I understand where you are coming from in the sense if after surgery you are finally the you that should have been, why tell? I agree with not telling in that principle. But when you fall in love, real love, the lies whatever they are will end up destroying it. Love does NOT make the world go ‘round. And love does NOT conquer all. Because if there is love, but no passion, no emotional support, no completely letting your spouse into your soul, then love will not be enough.

There are people out there that will not care about being trans or what you were before op. Before things get serious, you can find out through just general conversation without outing yourself what type of person they are and if they are accepting. I wish that you could understand how magical and wonderful relationships are when two people who truly love each other completely give themselves to one another and surrender themselves in every way. As you get older, if you allow yourself to fight against your emotional angst, you may find that type of love. A love where you will want to be openly honest.

I can say there are people that will never accept a trans in a relationship, even some people within the LGBTIQ communities will not accept it. But cut yourself off from the chance of ever finding that one of a kind, accept me as I am, fully encompassing love. There is no other love like it. It is not Disney, it is beyond defining. For me it wouldn't matter, if they were honest up front. But to find out later, would be a lie from the start and so how could I trust anything that had been said as truth.

You have to learn and you will with time, how to talk to people and get to know them and how they would feel about such without asking outright, or even ask outright in the beginning as friends but without outing yourself. Example: you meet someone and you are interested in them. you have talked for a while and want to go out with them. So you could say, "I'd like to take you to a party with some friends of mine, but I need to ask you something" then ask say - "my friend, Tammi, is in the process of transitioning. Do you know what that means?
You know where I am going with this. Before the relationship happens, you determine what type of person they are. Then you know up front not to proceed or to proceed.

 

I fully agree with bunnydee.

And you can't really hide something like this and stay in a fulfilling relationship. People are not fools either and know if you're hiding something. They may know what, but THAT destroys the closeness, trust, passion and so on. But you don't give your heart to someone you haven't checked who they are.

 

I have sucessfully hidden worse.

But if it's not possible I won't sacrifice myself. What is that, giving away my self-worth to the great love that eventually leaves me with nothing. Statistics say it's not worth the risk. I'm not a gambler. I only do it when I know I will win.

The only thing you convinced me of, is that I will never pursue true love. Because when you love, do you even know the person right? I'd say you see what you wanna see. One mistake and everything is over. With impaired senses, no analysis can be certainly correct. Sunzi said: He who prepared himself will win.

Nothings's fair in love and war. It is too close together.
I may be cynical, but maybe I'm just learning from mistakes other made.

 

*they may NOT know what

---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 02:44 AM ----------

You don't give your self-worth to someone else. It's dysfunctional love then. But whenever you get close to someone, you also allow them to hurt you. You can't be 100% of anything in life, unfortunately. Even bridges stand on imperfect sicence and knowledge 95% correct, and therefore sometimes fail. People are imperfect, as simple as that. There will always be something you don't know, miss, don't take into account. If you find your true love, it's not like one mistake and over, everyone has flaws and ups and downs and if two people love each other, they support each other, and forgive mistakes. Of course everyone has their no-nos and things they don't forgive, but that's down to the individual. And I'm learning from my own experience and my own mistakes - and wins.

---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 02:44 AM ----------

You don't give your self-worth to someone else. It's dysfunctional love then. But whenever you get close to someone, you also allow them to hurt you. You can't be 100% of anything in life, unfortunately. Even bridges stand on imperfect sicence and knowledge 95% correct, and therefore sometimes fail. People are imperfect, as simple as that. There will always be something you don't know, miss, don't take into account. If you find your true love, it's not like one mistake and over, everyone has flaws and ups and downs and if two people love each other, they support each other, and forgive mistakes. Of course everyone has their no-nos and things they don't forgive, but that's down to the individual. And I'm learning from my own experience and my own mistakes - and wins.

 

I am a "dysfunctional" person.

But that's the difference. Bridges have 95%. Marriages have what, 50%? And how about other relationships? Would be quite the other way round.

 

But what kind of marriages? And why is it good for a marriage last beyond its expiry date? Or does it guarantee anything? Does "married"/"divorced" really tell us something? If - then what? Many people don't divorce even though they'd be better off breaking up. But it doesn't mean, the relationship was not worth it. Things change. And assuming we're given somehting forever is unreasonable. What I'm saying is just a fragemnt of reality... it's all very individual and complex.

Don't you want to fix yourself and be... properly functional? Don't you want to change yourself? Aren't you unhappy being "dysfunctional"? Doesn't it make you unhappy? Don't you suffer because of that?

 

At this point you seem pretty set on being alone. Whether or not your mind might change in the future is uncertain, but also irrelevant at this point. My opinion is that if you would much rather not be in a relationship then that's fine. It is up to you after all, just as long as you're doing so willingly and it doesn't cause you any psychological strain.

Would you honestly be ok if you were to live the rest of your life alone?

 

I've been living alone long enough. It's not bad. Even the times when I had no friends. It has it's advantages. I am independent. I can go where I want, when I want and need no one to be with me and admire me for that.

I don't want to be "fixed". There is nothing to be fixed. I am an iPhone and you guys are Samsungs. And I won't be able to reproduce anyway, so what's the point? I'm gonna be forever young. No responsibility, no desperate searching for love.

It is a bit annoying to not experience a relationship. So is not having seen Nirvana live. You can't have all experiences in the world and I have my priorities.

 

It was you to say you're dysfunctional. I only say what a harmful relationship is and that's what I called dysfunctional. Then I went on with you.

---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 04:52 AM ----------

A healthy relationship is because you want to be with that person, not because you need them for something.

---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 04:52 AM ----------

A healthy relationship is because you want to be with that person, not because you need them for something.

 

Yeah. "Dysfunctional". It's kinda overused.

What do you mean? You always get something out of it. Mostly love is not counted as "getting something". Do you let it count or do you refer to contacts and materialistic stuff?

 

A want and a need are two different things. If I got right what you mean. For instance you might feel lonely and get into a relationship to fulfil your need of having someone close. Or of approval. Safety. Whatever. Either way, you have a hard time without that person. If you want and not need it is that you're reasonably happy on your own, but you enjoy their company so much that you miss them when you're not with them. But without them you have the money, safety, self-esteem, purpose, other close people... You can cope alone, but this person is awsome.

 

I know it's hard to talk about, but realistically you can't keep such a big secret forever. There are simply too many holes. The best I could see you doing is dating someone for awhile before hitting a sort of critical secrets stage. Everyone has baggage. Let me say that again. Everyone has baggage. everyone seems perfect at first until you learn their faults. Some are manageable faults. Others are more critical in a relationship. There comes a point in any close relationship, even some friendships, where some of these secrets are shared. Even before I knew I was trans, I understood I was different and as I grew closer to my SO's over the years, I had to tell them in whatever words I had. While this was sometimes a big step to the end of a relationship, it's also been the biggest salvation. The people I used to date who know have never shared that information. I picked decent people just not ones who could completely understand. But my fiance has been a different story. Having someone I'm close with who understands me completely is a relief. A true shoulder to cry on. and so much more.

Some people don't like relationships, and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with not wanting a partner, just as there's nothing wrong with wanting one. But you are young. And before you feel insulted, I don't mean that as a bad thing. I mean that your ideas and believes are subject to change. even if you were 80 they'd be subject to change. The difference is you have time to explore and learn more about how you feel. If you don't want to be close to others romantically, that's fine. Focus on what's important to you. But don't close your mind to the possibility that one day you might not feel the same way about being full stealth. Maybe in the future, whatever work it is you were talking about might be done, or at some new stage where you have more time, more security to pursue relationships.

Above all just be yourself. And if the time does come when you find the right sort of person, know that you will have to tell them. And it will be much better if you tell them, rather than them discovering it on their own by ripping open a lie. Sharing a part of yourself is much better and promotes growth. No matter what, I wish you happiness in life, however you find it.

 

I think you are scared to face some truths about yourself. No one is forever young, and wanting to see if you can "fully pass" says a lot to me. I don't think anyone here is trying to persuade you that you need a relationship. But I do think you are trying to hard to persuade yourself that you don't want a relationship.

Statistics vary depending on the study. Marriages that start with open communication and honesty and continue to maintain that throughout are pretty high up there in survival rate. Those are the ones that will last.

Unconditional returned love is "getting something". I think that is what you are wanting, but you want it without having to put in the work to get it. You seem to want to have been born the way you were supposed to have been and never have to have the conversation with anyone about being a trans. Sorry, I don't think any one of us got everything we wanted at birth. We didn't have the option to create ourselves. You shouldn't deny who you are. I don't think you have fully come to terms with that yet.

But whether or not you decide to try to get into a relationship, the one person you need to start being honest with is yourself. Don't make excuses so you can hide from your fears. Unconditional love is out there, whether in friendship or a marriage type relationship. You can psyche yourself out of ever reaching it. That's okay. But I say it is a shame to have gone through everything you have to be true to your gender, and then close the door on the rest of life.

With your way of thinking about non-disclosure, I wonder why transition at all, because anyone who has sex will know. It really can't be fully hidden. I just think that way of thinking, is going to cause you more emotionally harm. At some point you are going to have to truly accept who you are - the good, the bad, the ugly. Love yourself enough to break down all the walls you are building around yourself, and let others in. Or not, but at the very least accept that you are a transgender. I read your posts and to me that is the real issue - you don't want to be a transgender and think you were given a raw deal. To that I say 'welcome to the real world', we are all in it. Many of though have come to terms with the raw deal given to us, and can accept all the good, bad, and ugly of others if it the foundation is built on honesty.

 

I know what happens when I let my guards down. Never again. The day this changes, I'm hopefully gonna die because I don't wanna repeat the past. Though this can't be fully aplied to my gender identity.

And what the hell am I lying about? I am a man right now. It's in my brain. And then it will be my body too. Then I am not transgender. I am a man with a genetic illness and that's it. I also had some bad illnesses am I supposed to scream that around? Tbh I find it disgusting how everyone puts a jew star on their chest and this is supposed to be normal for us. What are we, creatures? Human or not? Hell, are we even living beings or how comes we are supposed to give up privacy and it is seen as a duty rather than a do-as-you-please?

I'm dealing with shit. The question was should I, or should I not, but before it is the question: can I? And I can't. So why bother? I wasn't that intrigued to begin with. So I do other stuff and don't cry about what won't work for me anyway.

Look, why shoud I work for it? I have better things to do. People can like me or bite me.

Come to terms with what? That I am a man, it's okay. That I'm suddenly LGBT, no. That I have to carry my wrong body around for all my life in form of outing, no. This is the point of transitioning. That you can be finally yourself. That it's over and done. Think of it as a very intense past dysphoria.

I love myself enough to build these walls. I get along on my own, with few people I trust. You don't know what happened as I trusted the wrong one. But I ensure you, it is enough fear and hopelessness for a lifetime.

I accept what I am. This is what is best for me. Maybe the pain will lessen when my body reflects myself. But until this day I will fight to protect my privacy.

 

People who show off their identity through their clothing and other means are doing it out of pride or passion, not out of "duty" or to rub it into other people's faces. Jewish people in particular wear the star either out of love for their religion, or out of pride because they've made it through literally millennia of discrimination. In general, people should be able to dress in whatever way they want so long as it doesn't harm other people, so it really shouldn't be of your concern.

But back to the matter at hand. Ultimately you alone can decide whether or not you want to be a part of the LGBT community. It is just a community after all, it's nothing mandatory. So if you would rather keep your trans identity completely to yourself then that's fine, you won't be the first one to do that. Having said that, you can't hide your birth sex completely, not with the current technology. If you would rather stay away from relationships because of this then, like I said, that's completely fine. I also have no intentions of pursuing relationships for similar reasons. Just as long as it doesn't hurt you in the long run.