Reaction of wives

It makes a lot of sense in the system in which we live in. While it's not necessarily healthy, a lot of women wrap up a lot of their identity and social standing in their husband. People fear losing face in front of their family and friends.

I think that it's a painful situation no matter which side you find yourself.

 

I think there is, certainly, an element of that. Even though my wife has been very accepting, has gone to Pride with me, met my platonic and not so platonic friends, she still does not want her brothers to know. And, no way can anyone in our small town know about my sexuality.

There is the element of privacy. But, I also think there is an element of shame to it that my wife feels. She doesn't care if I tell my family or any of our new friends in the town we are relocating to.

We've discussed this. Neither of us want our relationships with friends, or her family, to change because of something I have always been but still will be subject to judgement.

The funny thing is. I was friends with my wife's brother before I met my wife. I told him 36 years ago that I was bisexual. Really, the only person I've ever told outside of my wife. I'm not sure he remembers. He's never said anything.

 

I would say spouses because that was my husband’s reaction too... I often thought about his shame and wondered the same thing.

 

I think it's generally unrealistic to expect any significant amount of support from a hetero spouse to whom one comes out as gay or bi. After all, one is basically removing one of the very important reasons most people get married ... i.e., that their spouse wants to have sex with them. I think generally that if you come out to your spouse it is the person coming out who should be emotionally supporting and reassuring the spouse. The person coming out probably needs to look elsewhere (e.g., counseling), at least for a while, for his or her primary source of emotional support.

 

My wife has been livid, had a break down for two weeks, then got a new boyfriend LOL....
To be fare to her she never told me to keep my sexuality a secret . But she don't like me posting sexuality stuff on facebook. So i told her well de friend me then.....
For the wives of us guys they often have a network of friends while us men have generally a much smaller network of support. I have felt lonely and isolated. But I'm good now ..

 

We must remember that we have had years if not a life time to accept ourselves or deal with this. We have to give spouses time to process what we have

 

One of the things not discussed yet in this thread is the "why." Why do our spouses feel this way? Why do they feel shame and embarrassment?

While my wife didn't feel the need to hide it after I came out to her, she did express the shame she felt. Simply put, the spouse often feels like people will judge them for being duped. For not seeing this earlier. "How could you not know??" is a typical question they receive from people. Too many people erroneously believe that the spouse should have known. I think that's a major source of their shame and embarrassment.

 

I'm quite straight acting. Even though im bi/gay. On the whole I enjoyed intimacy. So she didn't suspect from our love life. I don't know what but she picked up on a few traits I had that made her wonder she said . But why was she so shocked if she suspected I wasn't straight?

 

I think we expect too much from the hetero partner. We have just altered their lives mostly likely for good and somehow we don’t understand their anger and confusion. Or we expect them to some how understand immediately what took us years to come to grips with. I certainly understand my ex girlfriend’s anger when I came out . She spent 3 years thinking we were building something only to find out I could not be a part of that picture. Even worse while I am now in a very happy contented gay relationship she has yet to find a partner. Saw her recently while out with my BF, if looks could kill. However I get it, just don’t care anymore.

 

I think there is a big difference in what a spouses reaction is to coming out gay vs coming out bi. For a lot of gay spouses I guess that does mean a possible end of intimacy. But, for some of the bisexuals I know, coming out bisexual actually increases the frequency of sex. At first there is a

 

Oops hit send

At first there is a period of needing some validation that there is still sexual attraction. I've heard often of couples having a LOT of sex in the first few weeks...my wife and I had about two years worth.

My wife and I became much more intimate, in many ways, since I came out. Again, this is not that uncommon with other married bisexuals I've discussed this with. Once the secret is out vulnerability is possible again.

But, even with better intimacy, a deeper understanding of each other and a renewed commitment to our relationship, my wife still feels, or at least seems to, shame for my sexuality.

It's just now we share this secret.

My wife really likes gay people...always has. So, this seems a bit unlike her.

 

Of course you're getting the LGBTQ person's perspective on this forum, and if the straight partner was writing we might find they have different ways of expressing things.
I remember as a kid that I was more likely to get car sick if the driver of the vehicle was going fast over bumps and curves. My guts could not keep up with that. As I grew to be driving age, I found I could manage those higher speeds through the curves when I was the one behind the wheel, no longer the passenger. Somehow being in the driver seat makes it less gut wrenching, whereas the opposite can be true as a passenger (even though you love and trust the driver). That metaphor helps me realize my wife indeed can be loving me and want to be supportive but still literally and figuratively holding her belly and saying I'm going too fast! And me showing her that I'm still way below the speed limit does not help the situation.
We are on a journey together.

 

When I told my wife im bi, after a couple of months we had more sex in three months than the previous 3 yrs.....but that then became the problem, I told her my sexual fantasys which she couldn't handle...the end...
Anyway I'm more gay than bi....

 

We tried a little role playing. We would see a hot guy and then I'd describe what I wanted to do with him and my wife would do it. She will often point out hot guys and ask me if I'm attracted to them. She is much more crude about how she describes
That attraction.

Anyway. Everyone is different. But, I think these societal expectation failures that we experience so do our spouses.

 

I'm glad your relationship is still good. I hoped for similar outcime. Sadly my ex wife was abused as a child. I wanted threesomes but that was a step too far. I have to understand she went through awful stuff. The problem is she refuses specialised counselling which could put her past to bed . I fear this will impact on her new relationship.

 

Besides the shame, I'd also say there is a sense of loss that they are dealing with and loss can be quite crippling, for a long time. If you've ever experienced a bereavement you'll understand how difficult it can be to process the initial shock and devastation and then pick yourself up to face the world again. It's very similar to that when we come out to a wife (or husband). In effect, you are telling them that the marriage is dead, or has died in some significant way and many of the responses that we are confronted with will come from the same place.

 

My ex wife has a boyfriend now but alot of people think she has rushed into this relationship. Where as I came out and I'm happy on my own for now....

 

Mine went off pretty poorly. I'm bi and was feeling a ton of shame when I came out to my ex-wife. Thankfully I didn't apologize for being who I am but my lack of surety still was obvious and had a negative impact.

I knew that she might have a difficult time with it but I couldn't have anticipated just how nasty it would be. She really went overboard. Outing me to people, making wild accusations, insults, all sorts of fun stuff. Luckily I had been with a counselor for awhile or I wouldn't have had anyone to turn to. That experience was so bad I didn't come out to anyone else for over a year.

 

Maybe it was hard for her to feel rejected by you. I have read a lot of posts on here and it doesn't seem like you have a lot of empathy for your ex. We are shaking lives when we change our perceived sexual orientation. Of course, she is going to react negatively. Give her a break dude. It sounded like you really cared about your ex but have steadily judged her more for her reactions. It cannot be easy to be on the receiving end of this, but really look at your part as well. You kept a secret from your wife for many years, she is going to feel betrayed.
If we want to be accepted, we need to be honest, straightforward and kind, not just looking for our needs. Easier said than done amirite?