Hi all. I really need to talk about some heavy topics but don't know who or where to go to, so I came here. it's not something I've talked about extensively before. this'll be a long post. CW / TW for talk of childhood abuse, grooming, neglect, sexual topics, internalized homophobia + transphobia etc. please please scroll past if you aren't equipped to read. right now I'm basically re-evaluating my gender and sexual orientation. there's a lot of crossed wires and trauma involved so it's a very complicated process, on top of being Autistic which can make it harder for me to decipher exactly what it is that I want & how I really feel about it. I've questioned my gender and sexual orientation for a long time now. I've identified as bisexual since I was about 12, and I've identified as nonbinary for about a year now but I'm not sure that's accurate. I had my first "queer" encounter when I was 10-11. I was in a "relationship" with a woman online who was an adult. it started out friendly but snowballed into something else. I initially lied to her and told her I was an older male (but still underaged, so it's not like that mattered) but came out with the "truth" later on. she still continued the relationship with me until the intense feelings and responsibilities understandably became too much for a child to handle, and I ghosted her. at the time, I thought I was mature. I thought I handled it. I didn't realize what had happened to me. I was extremely lonely, I didn't like school, I didn't really have friends, so my online community was all I had until junior high. I'm only just recently truly comprehending that I WAS groomed, I AM a victim of CSA, and it did mess with my psyche more than I care to admit. I got into another queer relationship at age 13, with someone my own age. it was also really intense, dramatic, and... well, sexual. I rushed into the intimate aspects of it WAY too fast. I feel an incredible amount of guilt for how I acted, even if it was, as far as I remember, consensual. at 15, still vulnerable from a recent break up, I was groomed and taken advantage of by an adult... again. I once again didn't realize the effects it would have on me because I thought it's what I wanted. I'm still disgusted by this. I'm currently in a much healthier, long-term relationship. at the beginning of the relationship, I was still extremely hypersexual, and that slowly dwindled over time. I still get pangs of that hypersexuality, to where it's almost all I can think about, but other times I can't hardly feel any sexual attraction at all. I could be in the middle of "it" and not "feel" much of anything. there are times I'm servicing my partner and it just feels very... practical. I enjoy the reactions I illicit, and I enjoy doing it because it's fun, but I don't always feel turned on by it. I'm not sure if this is things like ADHD (lack of focus) or trauma getting in the way, or if I'm also somewhere on the ace spectrum. I almost feel lost without my sexuality, as it's something that's been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. even before I was groomed, I thought about sex a lot. I got exposed to porn and things like that really young. my parents were neglectful and left me to my own devices a lot of the time, and I had my own computer. I don't even remember how it all started, I just know that it did, and it quickly became problematic for me. it was some weird fascination. I talked about it with other kids at elementary school, I eventually drew "explicit" pictures, and it all cumulated to me having some extremely embarrassing visits with the principal and school counsellor, a light investigation as to whether or not I'd been sexually abused at home, etc. I had also discovered masturbation and it became an almost daily routine. I was sick with shame. I still am. much of my sexuality is wrapped around shame. I think all of this helped lead up to me being abused. I almost feel like I abused myself, in a way. if I'm being honest I still feel at fault for what happened, no matter how many times I've told myself or others that the adult in those situations is always the one who's responsible. I feel so fucked up and alone in a way that I can't talk to other people about it, it's just a topic that's way too intense and weird. anyway, back to sexual orientation... the first types of porn I actively sought out and enjoyed were gay, male/male stuff. the thought of kissing girls used to make me sick, and now I can't tell if that was internalized homophobia (as I assumed), or a genuine reaction to being intimate with someone that I wasn't really attracted to. when I was being abused the first time around, I remember not really being attracted to her body so much as her presence and companionship. then I jumped into a relationship with a fellow AFAB person who at the time thought they were a trans man. I thought I loved this person, and I did a lot of physical things with them, but I still wonder if I was actually attracted to them physically or if I was just acting out my trauma; aka, I thought that sex was an expected and normal thing so that's what I did. I was still undeniably horny, but that doesn't mean that I was necessarily attracted to them, right? I don't know. something I do know, is I at least love the idea of men. men are largely who I fantasize about. I've been attracted to men (mostly problematic or red-flaggy ones if I'm being honest) since I was extremely young. I relate more to gay men as a whole than any other group, I think. I've been attracted to women, I believe, but usually only big, "masculine" or dominant ones. however that doesn't necessarily mean I'm attracted to "women" as whole, right? I think p*ssy is a little revolting to me, it definitely doesn't get the same reaction as when I see a d*ck, but is that internalized transphobia and/or once again a trauma response to being abused by a woman? I really don't want to be an transphobic asshole, because I would definitely be offended if a gay man turned me down due to which parts I have (I'd still be a man regardless), so why do I feel that way? I don't get it. maybe I just don't have enough experiences yet, maybe the trauma is getting in the way, I don't know. I can look at a woman and acknowledge that she's smoking hot or has great tits or a great ass, and I did have a crush on one of my small, feminine teachers back in high school, so okay maybe I am a little bi, but things like tits and ass and meek demeanors aren't exclusive to women, which once again leads me to the question of "why men but not women", which leads me back to the vagina-repulsion fiasco. I know that I've had some internalized transphobia for a long time ("why even transition? you'll never have what you really want, so why bother?") so maybe that's also extending to other people too. at that rate, how do I get rid of that? do I have to go through with my own transition and accept myself? what if the trauma still plays a factor and that doesn't fix it either? am I bi with a huge preference for masculine presenting people? I've always held the belief that I'm bi in a way that I have preferences, but still "everyone's game" if that makes sense. why can't I always feel sexual attraction sometimes even when it's appropriate, then? unfortunately nowadays (and even when I was younger) one of the only things that gets me really horny is the thought of being taken advantage of or being manhandled in some way. am I trans-masc nonbinary, or am I a full fledged dude? am I crossing gender expression and gender identity? I'm thinking I might be a man, but it's still scary. this all feels like a giant web of interconnecting and hardly separable things. it's so hard to try and think about or understand in any sense. if anyone could offer some insight or advice, I'd be grateful. and once again, I know some of these thoughts are rooted in internalized trauma/transphobia, they aren't how I truly think, they're things I'm trying to understand and tease apart. I've been through a couple years worth of therapy, but nothing really breaching sexual topics because I'm still way too embarrassed/ashamed.
