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Ramblings of a tired man about a dilemma?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by redstatic, Feb 24, 2023.

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  1. redstatic

    redstatic
    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Romania
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm in a weird dilemma. I was 100% sure I should pursue HRT, but something happened and I got sent spiraling down the 'I just wish I were cis or at least have gone through all the medical stuff I want' hole (it happens quite often but that had a much more significant impact), and upon reflecting on that for a while I ended up with the question:

    Do I want to transition for me, or so that others have an easier time processing my identity?

    Right now, packing and binding for most of the time, as well as being out in most of my social groups, have helped tremendously, to the point where I don't feel as much dysphoria anymore (it was already fairly mild). So, for me, T would not be a necessity, even though I do want the changes.

    But often times I'm placed in some unbearable situations, where I'm perceived as anything but a 20 year old man. And obviously I can't come out because it's just impossible then. It's awkward, it's physically painful, and I am tired of having to put up with that. T would solve that, I'd be seen pointblank as a man and problem solved. And to the people I can come out to, it's still really uncomfortable. Coming out feels humiliating at times, having to tell people that eyo, I'm a guy!!

    Hm. As I'm writing this, I realize my desire to just be seen as I should be. For a while I thought this was a problem of being more palatable, but I think it's just about being able to live an unbothered life, where I don't need to overthink a medic's visit or going to the public toilet or chatting with some random person. I think I keep trying to find ways to stunt my transition, and I'm not sure if that's a sign from my subconscious or if I'm just too cautious and scared of the unknown.

    I'm terribly tired of living this life.
     
    #1 redstatic, Feb 24, 2023
  2. Rayland

    Rayland
    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Remember that not being on T does not make you any less of a man than you are. The main thing is that you are happy and at peace within yourself.

    I truly do get it though. I myself doubted all the time and thought it's unfair that I need to come out to people. The more I thought about it the more unfair it seemed. Now though I just want to be myself. That's all. You don't need to tell the people who don't need to know. You can tell the people who you wish to tell. You don't need anyone's validation.

    I recently went to this new GP, though I wasn't yet comfortable telling I am transgender, but I told her that I'm part of LGBT+ community, though I feel like she didn't understood what I meant. I feel like it's important to educate our doctors about it and the next visit I decided to tell about it, just because whoever comes after me would have an easier time, because the doctor hopefully educates themselves then after my visit, like my psychiatrist does.

    I never had problems with public toilets though, there could be tons of reasons you use either bathroom. I go to mens ones, when it's closer to me or cleaner. I don't see gender on toilets, objects, clothes or makeup.
     
    #2 Rayland, Feb 24, 2023
    redstatic and Mihael like this.
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