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Questioning

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Ac151794, Dec 28, 2022.

  1. Ac151794

    Regular Member

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    Questioning
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    Hi everyone,

    Looking for any & all advice about my sexuality & whether I am straight or bi. I understand no one can make the decision for me of what my orientation is, but any similar stories would be helpful for me in processing my own thoughts.

    Overall, I know a few things for sure:

    -i am attracted to men, though only a few who I’ve been very physically attracted to
    -there have been plenty of times where I have felt something is wrong because I have had numerous experiences where I go on multiple dates with a guy that is absolutely perfect on a paper but just never develop feelings even though they do
    -Typically it’s much easier to feel physically attracted to men that I have an emotional connection to & I have been legitimately bored doing physical things with certain guys before that I didn’t have that connection with
    -I’ve never actually had an orgasm with anyone
    -I’ve only been in 2 relationships with men, none in about 8 years
    -I’ve always felt like I’m “supposed” to be gay, based on my interests. I know there can be straight, masculine women, but to me it just has always felt like it would make more sense if I were gay.
    - I could describe women that I feel are very attractive & would be able to describe what I would be looking for in a female partner.
    -I’m very drawn to lesbian culture in music, podcasts, tiktok, life, etc
    - currently, I’ve never really felt a desire to be physically intimate with women
    - the thought of going on a date with a women terrifies me & makes me anxious

    Given all of the above, my thoughts are centered around 1 of 2 things.

    1) because I’ve always felt more masculine & have had little luck dating men, part of me isn’t sure if I’m subconsciously drawn to lesbian culture trying to find something that would seem to make more sense for me, but I’m actually straight

    2) I’m actually bi and internalized homophobia is stopping me from having thoughts about being physical with women

    any advice at all would be welcomed especially if your story is similar!
     
  2. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

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    Ac151749.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you.

    When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @Ac151794! I can't say for sure (as you've acknowledged yourself), but I hope I can be of some use in helping you figure things out for yourself.

    Your lack of physical interest in men unless you've built a connection first isn't uncommon: lots of people aren't comfortable/enjoy physical or sexual activity with someone until they've built chemistry first. From what you've told us, I think it's safe to say you are attracted to men, and that you're just particular about the types of men you date (which isn't a bad thing in the least).

    Now as to whether you feel that way about women is another matter. Aside from your interest in lesbian culture, I don't see a lot of evidence that you have any same-sex attraction. That isn't to say that there isn't or that you aren't, however--because as you said, internalized homophobia may very well be the culprit. Before I came out as bi (and for a short time after), I couldn't picture myself with another woman, either. The idea was unnerving at best, and shameful/disgusting at worst; not because I had a problem with two women being together, but because I had a problem with the idea that I myself could be one of them. Over time, I learned to accept and embrace my attractions to women, but it hasn't been an easy road--feelings of internalized biphobia and homophobia still occur now and then.

    I think it's important to dig deep, really reflect on your life and on whether you've ever experienced same-sex attraction. It could be something as innocent as being drawn to another girl when you were a small child (more so than any others), or getting butterflies around one when you got a bit older; feelings of jealousy if a female friend was closer to someone else than they were to you, etc.

    It will probably take you awhile to work through all of this, but with enough patience and compassion towards yourself, I hope you will get there. If you ever need to reach out, my DMs are open. :slight_smile:
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. Try not to stress you will figure it out. I did have one question, what do you think it is that first made you question your sexuality/attraction to women?