Dear everyone, I hope someone will read this despite it being a very long post but i’d love to hear opinions on my current dilemma. English is not my first language so pls excuse any mistakes or weird wordings, I’m also completely new to the lgbtq community so definitely feel free to call me out and correct me if I’m using incorrect or even offensive terms.. I apologize in advance. My backstory: I’m a 28 year old male and I have, until 6 months ago, never questioned my sexuality. I was straight for my whole life and never had a crush on guys or even thought about them. I obviously acknowledged attractive people but not in the same way I noticed attractive girls, my filter for attractive people was exclusively directed at females. I grew up in a non religious household and both of my parents told me from a very early age that I can be open about homosexuality and that they will love me no matter who I end up loving. So I’d say there was no homophobia apart from my dad „joking“ about caring for your body tediously or wearing specific clothes being a gay trait. This is bad on its own and I think I definitely have some underlying internalized homophobia (it was a bummer to me when I was a teenager and found out that THE womanizer Barney Stinson is gay in real life for example) but I never bullied homosexuals in school or insulted them or did think bad of them (I’m not trying to earn a medal here, it’s just what I think after reflecting). I just thought homosexuality was not for me and I didn’t pay much attention to gay people in my social circle. 10 months ago I met my current girlfriend and I was in love with her right from the start basically, we don’t live in the same country but we stayed in touch and we texted every minute of the day and had hour long calls at the end of most days. I had the butterflies and all of that, I completely fell for her, couldn’t stop thinking about her, she was the first thing in the morning last thing before i went bed, all of that. I don’t know if that’s important but she is openly bisexual. The sex is great, she claims it’s the best sex she’s ever had and to be frankly she can’t keep her hands off of me when we see each other (we are long distance so that’s understandable), I love the sex as well and I can do whatever I want with her but sometimes I get anxiety over not getting hard because that happened once. My orgasms with her are incredible and I don’t have to do the stuff other people on here mentioned to stay hard (I don’t have to imagine a man or a penis or have only sex from behind). Now to the actual problem: It all started with porn, I watched excessively and at some point I ended up watching transporn, sissy porn and cock worship videos. I felt guilt afterwards but it didn’t stop me, I enjoyed it for more than two years and i remember being disappointed when I went through Reddit and saw girls with no penis (on those trans related subreddits), the penis definitely attracted me the most. I never gave it much thought though because in the end it was just masturbating and I would’ve never entertained these fantasies in real life. During that time (maybe 3 years in total, I don’t really know when it started) I was both in a relationship and single and I was having sex with girls with no trouble getting hard or having to imagine a penis on the girl or whatever. I just enjoyed the sex. Maybe also worth mentioning is that my favorite porn genres, before i transitioned to transporn, were lesbian or girls kissing for example, it repelled me to see a penis in porn and I could never watch MMF or group sex scenes or whatever. Even the little gay porn image on my porn site turned me off. I’m just saying this to show you how much it changed, which is weird to me. It all started 6 months ago when I was out with my girlfriend and I noticed a man who I thought I found attractive (can’t even remember his face now) and from then on it all went downhill… It made me so uncomfortable, I immediately questioned myself whether I am gay or not, I used gay porn to see what it does to me, and I basically spent all my time trying to figure out my sexuality, I checked out every man I saw to see if he’s attractive, I didn’t go to my sports practice because we shower together in one public shower and I feared getting hard in front of them, I took every online test there is, etc. It’s gotten better now with the time but I can’t even watch a movie without checking if i find men attractive and if I think I do it makes me sort of miserable. You will now probably think that this screams hocd but the problem is I think I still enjoy cocks and I have this fantasy to suck a dick, (I don’t know if it’s a real urge because I don’t know what my feelings are anymore) plus I started to find some vaginas extremely unattractive and „disgusting“ (this happened before I found that one guy attractive) which is weird because I’ve loved oral sex all my life. I still have no problem performing oral sex on my girlfriend though. After some time on this forum I did some of the things you guys mentioned. I can to an extent masturbate to gay fantasies ( I don’t really watch porn anymore), there was one day where I could masturbate to the thought of sucking a dick 3 times. I’d say i was rock hard on that day, but i also still get hard to masturbating to either the sexting my girlfriend and me are doing or the video calls or just fantasies.. on some other days though i can’t get hard to women or men, its like my ability to get hard is gone on those days.. I also did the mirror thing, telling me that I’m gay but it didn’t do anything for me and I don’t feel homosexual when I’m drunk or tipsy, if anything I feel more straight in those moments. Regarding the potential hocd, I’m trying to find therapy but hocd is not really big in my country and it’s not easy to find an affordable therapist but i definitely want to start therapy. I know that none of you guys can tell me what my sexual orientation is but maybe someone can relate to what i’m going through because it eats me up. I hate the thought of breaking up with my girlfirend but sometimes i feel like I’m betraying her because i’m actually a closeted gay man and she wouldn’t deserve that at all, no one does. Thank everyone who read my whole post, I really appreciate it and I’m looking forwards to hearing your opinions!
Glad to hear you're not watching porn anymore. It really messes some people up, that was my first thought when I read through your post. I think maybe you just need to time to fully get it out of your system. Definitely do not fall off the wagon and start watching again, no good can come of it.
Thank you for replying! I will not start watching again, but according to people on this forum here porn can’t change your orientation anyway. My issue is that it feels like it did it for me, I started checking for responses and thereby created my fantasies. Just feels like my sexual orientation changed overnight, while being in love. I have no idea what to think anymore. Only time will tell I guess..
Personally I’m not 100% sure. Changing sexually orientation is a tricky subject here. But even if we say porn can’t change your sexual orientation, I’m sure it can screw with your arousal response, it definitely desensitises, could contribute to obsessive behaviours forming. Like the ‘checking’, you probably wouldn’t have done that if you’d never watched gay porn. Our brains are basically not wired to deal with the intense stimuli of porn, some people seem to handle it but it’s harmful for others. I can’t believe it doesn’t have a health warning tbh.
Stick with it, let some time pass. Don’t do anything drastic with your girlfriend. And while I believe honesty is the best policy in general, confessing to her while you are unsure is probably not a good idea.
@Loop6, I can understand your confusion. I’m not sure anyone but yourself can truly clarify your issues. As a Bi guy, I have experienced a moving (fluidity) of my sexual attractions. For example, in one particular country in Europe (Croatia), my attractions changed from my usual 70-80% gay to at least 70% straight because the so many of the women in Croatia somehow mesmerize me. I completely agree with @JT1999 that you should lay off the porn. That is a terrible indicator of sexuality. By it’s very nature, porn is intended to stimulate certain portions of your brain which also has a probable stimulating effect on your body. I’m glad that you agreed to stop your porn usage. Also, as far as online tests go, which are supposed to determine your sexuality, they are useless. ONLY you can know your own sexuality. I have two specific recommendations: First, if you truly fantasize about sucking a dick, there are many public and private saunas and other places in Germany that you could go to and try out the experience in reality with no harm and no foul. ( I lived in Germany for almost 8 years.) The main issue is your health. If the person that you want to suck off is clean (health-wise), no issue. If they may have a social disease (STD), you should only suck them off using a condom. If they have HIV, sucking them off and swallowing or spitting our their cum should not be a health issue for you, as long as you don’t have bleeding gums or cuts in your mouth at the time that you suck them off. Second, since your girlfriend is Bi, you might want to gently consult her about your sexual thoughts and fantasies. I agree with @JT1999 that you don’t want to ruin your obviously great sexual relationship with her, but she may also be able to give you some valuable insights into your own new questions about your sexuality. Who knows, maybe that will even make your bond stronger in the longrun. But, I would also say that exploring your sexuality, even if you find that your homosexual fantasies don’t live up to your expectations in reality are worth it. Even if it only confirms what you already thought you knew about your sexuality. And also, if it opens up a new, unexplored reality for you. I wish you all the best. QR
Thank you for taking the time quantumreality. I just don’t know if that’s the real me. It freaks me out… it is so unlike me actually, well unlike the old me.. does anyone here know if maybe ocd affects my fantasy and tells me that I want this? Because I feel like if it was genuine I would actually like it. But it doesn’t feel like I like it. I always feel so much better when I get hard and orgasm to my girlfriend…even the orgasms are better. Also the fixation on just the penis is so weird to me. thank you all for replying
Loop6…..I usually catch people when they make their first post in the "Welcome Lounge" but I missed you there, so I'll catch back up to you here! …..Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent! ) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. …..David
Your opinions about porn are very interesting. Fortunately, I am not addicted to porn, I don't even get turned on by it, but I have a similar problem. Ever since I was a child, I have used fantasy for arousal and to reach orgasm. The fantasy that I use is like a cheap porn film. Although I am a lesbian my fantasy involves women getting f****d by men. I later learned that is a common lesbian fantasy! The point is I cannot reach orgasm without the fantasy , no matter how horny I am. Isn't that really like using porn? I am so disgusted that I can only respond to a fantasy - not to what anyone is doing in real life. The other thing that turns me on is my own nudity or the thought of men and women having sex. I have never been turned on by what a man actually does!!!! And I cannot break the habit of using fantasy of men treating women like objects which is something I would never tolerate in real life. I know you are not a sex expert but what do you think of my situation? Am I the same as the guys who are hooked on porn?
I don’t think it’s the same at all. Humans have been having fantasies about each other for thousands of years, its pretty normal behaviour. But only with the introduction of porn has it been possible to actually access visual stimuli. That mental stimulation that people get from porn is comparable to being part of the action yourself, which is why it’s so addictive. Static pictures in a dirty magazine is one thing, but being able to browse through a whole catalogue of videos of different activities, kinks, genders, body types on a smart phone is pretty mind-blowing, and not necessarily in a good way. Anyone viewing that sort of thing a lot is definitely going to be rewiring their brain to some degree. I think my first boyfriend watched a lot of porn and he sometimes had performance issues. VR headsets will take this problem to a whole new level in the future. I've not come across any lesbians with those types of fantasies involving men before but its probably something thats not admitted to very often. But domination and humiliation fantasies are really, really common....
Oh and that really made me laugh.... I'm definitely not an expert, just a big fan! I wouldn't think too much into it, sometimes you just need to not be too much in your own head to really let go.
I appreciate you taking the time to answer me. I wish I could just enjoy sex as a physical act, but for me, mental stimulation is very important. I can get stimulated during sex, mostly by thinking about what we are doing, not by the physical aspect of it. It would never lead to an orgasm unless I get lost in my fantasy - and I am disappointed with myself for needing that, especially as it has nothing to do with what is actually going on. I have tried sex without fantasy, once I tried to stimulate myself for an hour!!!!! and nothing happened. Same thing happens with men. So I asked my husband if he uses fantasy when he masturbates and he said, usually. I asked him if he uses fantasy when he f***s a woman, and he said, sometimes. He said, if a woman is really horney, he doesn't need a fantasy. But if the woman is not into it, he imagines he's having sex with a movie star, or one of his hot flames from the past. The difference between him and me, then, I told him I ALWAYS need a fantasy, and he just looked at me.
They say brain is the biggest sex organ. It needs to be engaged in the process, if you're thinking about what needs to go on the shopping list it'll never happen. I do occasionally get distracted if something is on my mind, not so much with another person but more so on my own if I'm stressed about something. I wouldn't believe anyone who says they don't close their eyes and imagine something different from time to time, or maybe all the time. Sometimes when my fiance is.... you know.... I imagine it's a girl doing it to me. I don't know why but it always feels more erotic. And he's as good at that as any woman is. He knows just when to back off and keeps me on the boil until I'm sometimes literally begging for him not to stop or slow down. I'm actually really jealous that he has that fine-tuned sense of what I'm feeling, I don't have the same understanding of him at all.
I agree that porn can be dangerous to some, and I also agree the brain is the biggest sex organ and it can be hard to aroused and keep it so. From what you've said, maybe you're bi but I'd say your not gay. I'm one of those guys that had to do it doggy style and pretend I was sleeping with a man. I was able to perform when I was younger, but it got harder as I got older. I always felt the sight of her vagina was icky, almost a put off for me. It's a fascinating organ, but it has no aesthetic or sexual interest for me. I like the suggestion of experimenting, though obviously proceed with caution as you don't wasn't to disturb what sounds like a great relationship with your girlfriend. One of the ways I finally confirmed to myself that I was gay was when I set up a straight and a gay dating profile. One friendly girl sent me topless photos and I instantly knew it wasn't what I wanted and I really didn't want to see anything further. An interesting observation on my own porn use. It was gay from the start, with some straight. When I started to really deny my sexuality and convince myself I was straight, I'd watch some straight porn but always end up with gay. Probably 15 years ago I stopped trying to pretend with the porn and I just watched gay porn. I watched porn most days as I found it more sexually satisfying than sex with my wife, and I also knew I wouldn't be able to perform later so it was an avoidance technique. "I'm not in the mood" I'd say at night. Since separating last July, I've hardly looked at porn, and the few times I have, I've got bored and lost interest. I do still masturbate on occasion, but it's always because I've become so aroused thinking about someone (male) or I've been sexting. So it's now all about what I'm thinking rather than seeing. I also think it's perfectly normal to have fantasies we'd never act on. One of mine is to be at the centre of a gang bang, but while I find thinking about hugely arousing, I'd never be able to do it. Too much health risk, too much trust needed in people that are probably strangers, just so much no.
Hey @Loop6 , Are you still with us? We can't solve your issue(s) for you. We can only talk to you and try to help you work out your own reality. We're still here for you. QR
