i think i just want a place i can get this off my chest (and also have some guidance maybe?), so long post ahead. for some context, i am an afab nonbinary person who uses they/them and she/her pronouns. (started questioning my gender about a year or two ago, and definitely still in the process of learning more about my gender identity!) i have identified as bi for about 8 years (pretty much since 8th grade), and i always felt so completely sure of it. however, lately, i’ve been questioning my bisexuality and my attraction to men more and more. in the past, i have had “romantic” interactions and relations with men, and i was in a 3 month relationship with one about 3 years ago. however, i’m not even sure now if i was ever attracted to these men? for most of these relations, i think i was desperately seeking some kind of validation from these men’s attention or something. and when i was in that relationship, i had weird feelings where i would feel regret or sadness because i thought i would never be able to date a girl (like i was missing out on these opportunities to be with women). i think even back then, during the relationship, i was questioning my attraction to him, but i brushed it off at the time. i always joked with my friends about how i was more attracted to the attention that these men gave me, instead of them. and that is probably true! now, i am currently in my first ever relationship with a girl and i don’t ever have those “but what about those other opportunities” thoughts that i did when i was with men. i think now, looking back, i never really questioned my attraction to men. i just assumed that it just was? if that makes sense. like my attraction to men is default, and that me being bi meant “i’m attracted to women+nonbinary folks in addition to men”. i don’t know... i think a lot of this has to do with compulsory heterosexuality, and i need to unpack it more ? but a part of me also feels guilty (??) if i ever end up identifying as lesbian because of my past thing with men... and also i feel like being nonbinary makes it so much more complicated ?? because what does it mean to be nonbinary and lesbian then, for me at least? sorry for this ramble-y long post i just really needed this off my chest. my thoughts have been all over the place lately, and i feel like most of my friends wouldn’t really understand or know how to respond.
