Hello, I am a 31 years old female and live with my partner (male) of almost 14 years. We have a toddler together. Earlier this year I went through an early miscarriage which became very complicated and drawn out. I ended up hemorrhaging which required an emergency trip to hospital, a blood transfusion and an operation. It was a difficult and traumatic experience. A week or so after coming out of hospital I spiralled into depression. My life suddenly felt wrong and I felt trapped. My sexuality suddenly became a huge issue in my mind and I was questioning everything. I told my partner this who was understanding but also thought I had lost the plot as a result of the trauma. My background is that I met my partner when I was 17. He’s been my only real relationship and the only person I have slept with. Prior to that I had several sexual experiences with guys and to my knowledge, no interest in girls. When I went to university at 19, I began to notice an attraction to girls. I even developed a bit of a crush on a friend. Since then, I have continued to notice women, particularly in films and tv (orange is the new black for example!). It has always been in the back of my mind and niggled at me a bit. Though, I had never taken it seriously or thought of it as a big deal. I guess I thought I could be Bi. I’m not sure that I’ve ever even labelled myself. I didn’t think of it being an issue for our relationship. When I descended into depression a couple of months ago, I had a sudden realisation of what an issue it is. Also the possibility that could even be gay. It was like all the pieces of puzzle flew into my mind and joined together. I started of thinking of all the times I’d noticed women more than men throughout my life. This included times before I met my partner which I didn’t recognise at the time may have been crushes. I started thinking about my childhood too. I grew up a tom-boy, rejecting a lot of feminine things as soon as I was old enough to realise I could. I liked PlayStation, skateboarding, football etc. I didn’t believe stereotypes were important until now. I became more feminine as I grew up but I still only wear dresses and a bit of make up on special occasions. I realised I’ve always felt a bit different to my friends (pretty much all female) and I think this mostly comes down to femininity. I then also started questioning my attraction to men. I love my partner and he is my best friend. I have always thought to myself ‘I know I am with the right person because I could never imagine being with another man’, but what if it’s because I’m not that into men? I have never been that into sex but can enjoy it. I just assumed because I’m female and because we’ve been together a while. I’ve also realised we’ve perhaps developed more of a housemate type relationship more than a romantic one. All of these clues entered my mind at once and caused devastation in my mind. Over the past couple of months I’ve tried to fight against it and think of reasons why I couldn’t be gay (eg have had enjoyable sexual experiences with men before). I gave up a week or so ago and decided to tell myself that I’m gay (or female leaning). However I’m still unsure without ‘proof’. I have told my partner who has shown different emotions about it, mostly denial. We have a ‘perfect life’ together in many ways, including a beautiful child which makes it so much more upsetting. I have become self-loathing and homophobic in my own mind. I hate it so much and just desperately want to be ‘normal’. I want our relationship to work and to carry on as we are but I don’t know if it’s sustainable.i feel awful every day. The thought of breaking up the family and repercussions are terrifying. I am overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I am only medication and I’m receiving counselling. I’ve read quite a lot of posts on here and realise many are in a similar boat. I don’t know what to do.