sort of... I have been reading this board and I have posted a few times in the past. I am 33. Married to a man for 10 years, and have two children. I have been attracted and drawn to women for as long as I can remember. My first "obsession" as a child was with Anna Chlumsky from the movie 'My Girl'. Then I moved on to Winona Ryder. I never once thought that I was attracted to women. I had boyfriends in high school and got silly and went all school girl over them. Then I made the decision to go 3,000 miles away to a prestigious women's college. I majored in education and Theatre. Obviously, spending my time in the theatre 90 percent of my time, I had many many lesbian friends. I saw them as great friends and nothing more. However, I was always way more curious in their love lives than that of my straight friends. I had multiple "straight girl" kisses in college as well. I day dreamed about friends, I had fantasies.... Then I married my long time boyfriend. He was and IS wonderful. We have 2 children together. It was about 9 years ago when i really REALIZED I was either gay or bisexual. It was a long time coming and a long story so I won't go into it.... Anyway, I am married with 2 kids and I am a lesbian. I told my husband I was bisexual about 2 years ago and he was shocked. Since then it has been a non conversation. We have sex on average every 2 months, sometimes even more than that. I LOVE this guy, I am just not at ALL interested in any physical relationship. I dream about snuggling with a woman, kissing her, spending our days together, making love...etc . Yet, with my own husband who is a wonderful father, I just can't get into it at all. I feel So guilty. Also, I have spent the past 10 years as a military wife. I gave up my teaching career to be a officer's wife and stay at home mom. I wouldn't give my years up with my kids for anything, but I feel trapped. If i was to ever actually leave, how could I even manage to survive? It feels selfish to even write all of this down. Please be gentle!
I feel unqualified to answer this, but I'm sending you lots of hugs. Also, of course it's selfish to feel these things, but I don't think that's a bad thing. You have to know what you want so you can stop living your life for other people. And if you need to leave, you'll find a way: stay with family/friends for a while, get a job, start over. I hope you find what you're looking for.
You could always go back to teaching, that's one way to do it. I don't know how old your kids are but day care or after school care is an option. Going back to work will give you some independence. I'm a stay at home mom too and I never realized how much I was giving up when I stopped working. You lose control over your life. In some ways it's really crushing and it does make you feel stuck. Would you be able to find a teaching job where you are? If not maybe you could substitute? It isn't selfish to express your feelings. Denying how you feel can lead to anger and depression, and that isn't good for you or your family. You can always come to EC to talk about these things. We're here to support each other.
Definitely get a job if at all possible. This will really change the balance of power in your relationship and make you feel more confident about moving toward the future where you can be with a woman. It will also help your own self esteem immeasurably. Even a part time job will help. Lots of us who are married have to buy our way out if we want to be queer. It's an ugly truth but it IS the truth. Some husbands are magically OK with a mixed orinetation marriage wherein the woman can explore her bi or gay side. But a lot of them aren't.
LBSmitty, our experiences sound eerily similar. Even down to the military wife part, which brings it's own set if issues along with it. I just fully came out as a lesbian. My husband has actually been very supportive. But it's still tough--learning to stand on my own two feet. It can be done--even in just the past few months I've made several huge steps in reclaiming my life. But of course it's meant big changes for me, my kids, and my husband. It hasn't been comfortable. It's been utterly terrifying at times. But at the same time, I'm not feeling as trapped anymore. I have good days and bad days, but I'm realizing I am at the wheel here. Having my husband behind me in all of this has made a big difference. Please feel free to message me anytime! ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2015 at 06:16 AM ---------- Also, remember that while military life can leave you financially dependent, YOU ARE STRONG. Seriously, think of how it has prepared you in other ways--we really know how to depend on ourselves in all other ways, we know how to hold down the fort and how to take care of everything on our own, because that's the reality of our lives. If you do decide to seek a separation, it might also be less of a shock on your kids because they have probably already had to be without dad night after night. So yes, we sacrifice our careers and other parts of us, but don't forgot all of the strengths you have now because of it. Really, getting a job is certainly doable and a blip in the whole scheme of things. But I won't try to downplay how scary it is to give up financial security.
I agree with others here...getting a job would be a great start and a good way to regain some independence for yourself. In addition to money, it will also provide and outlet for you and a way to bolster your self esteem and sense of self. It would help you feel slightly less trapped, as finances are part of it when considering whether or not one can leave a marriage. It's not everything, obviously...there's a lot more to it...but finances do play a role. Getting your own source of income is the best way to help with that. I don't think you're selfish, and you shouldn't feel guilty. People come to their truth at all stages in life, for many different reasons. Some of us figure it out later than others. We suppress it and push it away for many reasons, guilt sometimes being one. Eventually, though, it catches up with you. You can only deny for so long. You've taken care of him and your children for ten years; now it's time to take care of yourself. And it can be done in a positive way...many people here are finding that way. Mellie is a great example of that. Stay strong, stay the course, and you will figure it out! (*hug*)
THANK YOU! It really is so comforting to know another military wife has gone through this. I tried to message you but it says I can't message people? ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2015 at 10:49 PM ---------- I also want to thank the rest of you for responding. It is very nice to have a place to talk about this stuff. Also, I did start a job at the beginning of this school year! I am working as a pre-k teacher's assistant 3 days a week. It has been SO SO nice working again. I love the feeling of accomplishment I get from working.
