So my mom is having a hard time, I mean a really hard time, with realizing the fact that I am gay. She sent me an email yesterday with some links to some christian resources and speakers, which I appreciated, but reading what they had to say and reading the rest of my mom's email made me kind of upset. Here is what I am sending back to her after I can look it over again tomorrow when I am not so tired. Mom, "By dealing with the primary issue, gay men begin to see themselves as masculine and lesbians begin to see themselves as feminine; the same-sex attractions diminish and in many cases opposite-sex attractions occur." Quite frankly, I think this is not very true... Mom, if people tried to get you, or if scripture (I know it never would, but just for the sake of this example) said the exact opposite, that for a man to lie with a woman was an abomination, do you think you could just ignore it for your whole life? Because that is how I feel now. I could be blind, but I would be fine in God's eyes, I could have down syndrome, and I would be fine in God's eyes. I can NEVER be Gay and be fine in God's eyes, yet I did not choose who I am attracted to, just as someone who is blind did not choose to be blind. Why the hell he did this to me I may never know. I found it hard to read your email, and now I am confused about what you are trying to say to me. In the car this weekend you ultimatelly said, "Well, you gotta do what you gotta do" (even though of course you were not happy) and now by saying, "we will work through this, Jacob" I feel like you are saying, "Jacob, you cannot have one of the few things that you really want in this world: a relationship with another guy." Mom, I don't know how long I will be possibly practicing a gay lifestyle, maybe a year, maybe two or more, or more than that. But at the age I am at right now, I really want to see what is it like to be intimate with someone. I have NOT experienced that yet, and I am anxious. Mom, I love you so much, unconditionally, just as you love me, but I am my own person now, and I make my own decisions. Far off in my life, I could possibly see myself having a wife and kids, but that in and of itself is also my OWN decision. I hope this email was not too harsh, but I just need to be clear with you Mom. Your son, Jacob
just a note on this - when you say... "I don't know how long I will be possibly practicing a gay lifestyle, maybe a year, maybe two or more, or more than that. But at the age I am at right now, I really want to see what is it like to be intimate with someone. I have NOT experienced that yet, and I am anxious." ...it almost gives your mother false hope that you will magically change, as if these things are easy to change and happen suddenly. Trust me, parents will nit pick at every little detail to try and pull out SOME way for you to be 100% heterosexual again, its just what they do.
And every legitimate medical and psychological association agrees with you. It's not a question of masculine and feminine. I'd consider saying something more like, "Why he CHOSE to make me gay I may never know. There is no such thing as the gay lifestyle. There are people that are gay. People have lifestyles. My lifestyle involves hanging out with friends, physical activity (when I'm not on crutches), enjoying classic videogames, and being a huge political junkie. Being gay is not just about the intimacy. It's about the attraction, to whom you can bond emotionally, it's the whole package deal. If I were you, I would avoid all of the stuff about "being intimate with someone" and talk about relationships. Relationships are about FAR more than just the sex. Suggesting a "gay lifestyle" to your mom is very misleading. You're gay, and you're not going to magically turn straight. Hell, you're not going to turn straight if you pray really hard and watch sports and all that ex-gay crap either. That's just not how it works. YOUR MOM needs to come to grips with this. From what I'm gathering, your mom is one of those Christian types. Christians love to muddy the debate by misusing language and working off of false presumptions, so I would absolutely advise you to avoid playing into those presumptions. There is not a gay lifestyle, as much as the Christian types say otherwise. Being gay is NOT just sex, as much as the Christian types say otherwise. Don't play into her assumptions and beliefs. Redefine them.
your gonna get her hopes up saying you might get a wife and kids in a few years and i think your deludeing yourself to try and please her if your gay your gay if you want a wife and kids but like guys your bi. its not a lifestyle its just life. the fact is you follow your life by god and a book that basically says love and be good yet reaaly seems to dam everyone :S
First,you need to accept yourself,before anyone else can accept you.If your having a hard time with this,you need to re-evaluate. You're giving your mom mixed signals. Honey,a leopard cannot "change" it's spots. And you can't"change" who you are,either. You can run,but you're just running away from yourself. You say your mom is having a hard time ,with you being gay,but I think it may be you who's having a hard time. And that's okay. We all go through it. I think,if you stick around here,you can get more insight on YOU. This is a great place to vent,question,and just feel comfortable with who you are. When you come to grips with yourself,you'll know how to get others to come to grips with you,too.
I'm gonna second (or third) the people who question you stating that you were going to "practice the gay lifestyle". You list your orientation as "gay". Not "not sure", not "gay, I think" but gay. If you're gay, you're gay. (And if you're gay, anything you do - from disco dancing to cheering for the Packers - counts as the gay lifestyle.) This part of your letter suggests that it's something you're trying to "get out of your system", and once you've slept with a couple guys, you can continue on with the "natural course of events". And I don't think you believe that... Lex
What the others said, with special emphasis on this. What she'll read into this is: "just humour it, it's just a fad. I make a solemn vow that I'll turn out straight in the end, so help me all that I consider holy and just". It's not how you wrote it, but I assure you it is what she'll read into it.
i agree with greggers. saying that would make it sound like its possible to change. and it could send the wrong message (obviously).
So, if I were to ever marry a woman, I would still be gay? I know I will always be attracted to men to atleast some extent, I have accepted that. What I will not do is raise a family with a partner/ husband. I know that a lot of gay couples do that, but that would be very hard for me to do, let alone have my family accept that. Shit, I fear I am going to be ripped apart in all different directions. I want to do it, meaning be gay, but my family is creating great turmoil for me, and I am creating great turmoil for them. I am getting pissed....:***:
Well, you are your own person. You dont owe your family so much that you marry a woman when your not attracted to one sexually. Its not fair to HER let alone you. I would not bless them with the title 'family' if they will not want whats BEST for you! And honestly, whats best for you is to be in a relationship with whoever your body says your attracted to. This is one of those things you CANNOT force. I stress watching the "exgay" videos i linked in "The Giant Video Thread", they show what happens to people to try and live a heterosexual life ontop of being a homosexual. I know its hard baby It really is. (*hug*) Your family wants you to be something your not, and it hurts you. I suggest doing what YOU need to do and give them an ultimatum. "I am going to have a relationship with a man. If you cant accept that, you will not be in my life until you CAN." Its harsh, i know But it might just slap your family hard enough that they force themselves to re-think there views. You can help them along with sending them PFLAG material and videos like Prayers for bobby. But you really need to let them know that they HAVE to take steps to accept you because your not going to change yourself for there happiness. Your happiness should come first in this situation.
No big advice in this comment. A lot of that letter sounds like something I would say, or at least want to. I know my parents mean well, but...hmm. It's a lot easier to say "screw you all" and do whatever you want; it's a lot harder to try and negotiate some kind of peace. I still think it's worth the try. I know what you mean about the mutual turmoil. You almost feel as if you're tearing your family apart, even as you're being torn, yourself. And that (false) guilt just weighs even heavier over everything else.
Real quick: Maybe intimate isn't the ideal word here, I think the first thing that would come to your mother's mind would be, "Oh my God, he's going to start having sex with men."
