I am struggling to decide how to deal with a (gay) friend and the situation he has now got himself into. He is in his early 40s and has been suffering from depression for some time (years probably). He is having some counselling which seemed to be helping a bit. He has been off work for some time with this and is now on half pay and benefits. He still has regular suicidal tenancies. There are a number of issues which I won't go into detail about because they are not that important. However he has recently been diagnosed with testicular cancer which, although the prospects look good, has dragged him down further. The operation to remove the testicle is later this week. He is apparently on the sexual offenders list for an incident that happened over 10 years ago. I don't know the details but I suspect it involved someone under age but willing. He was recently arrested and charged with voyeurism after attempting to record his lodger (aged about 18) in a state of undress by planting a video camera in the house. He has pleaded guilty, been bailed and appears for sentencing next month, and could face a custodial sentence. The local press have published his name, age, the street he lives on, what he has done and that he is a listed sex offender for offences "involving young boys". Needless to say the neighbours are up in arms and he is currently in a police safe house. He is unlikely to be able to return to his home. The press have of course reported the reaction of the neighbours and that he is not at his home in a second story. He is blaming the voyeurism incident on the stress of the cancer on top of everything else. He has never really fancied his lodger and they scarcely speak so this does seem an odd thing to do, and it really is out of character for him. Clearly I cannot condone what he has done, it is extremely stupid and irresponsible. But I do have some sympathy for him with the way the press have treated him. I assume he will remain in the safe house until the sentencing hearing. If he doesn't get a custodial sentence then he will probably have nowhere to go, and will almost certainly lose his job as well as his home, and end up going bankrupt. Many of his friends have abandoned him already, in some cases because of fear of getting involved as they life in the same area of the country. I am not sure how to react. One part of me wants to help but another part doesn't want to get involved too. He could stay here (different part of the country) for a little while, but then it's his fault and I don't know if I should help him or let him sort himself out. He is a good friend, we have some common issues and empathy, but he is not the sort of friend I have deep discussions with. I'm confused...
I know I'd be devastated if i had no one to turn to.idk i'd say talk with him and see if there is anything you can do without him staying with you.Maybe find a family member or something and if there is no one for him to be with the nmaybe let him stay for just a couple days to relax and settle his wits while setting some srict ground rules.If he really matters to you at all or if you just feel like helping any person i their time of need i'd help him.But if you feel you would be that uncomfortable with him there(possibly media finding out or what not),then i'd would just be there as a person to talk to.
I'd say feel free to be an open ear if you feel he needs one. But that's about all I think you should offer. Part of it is simply because he's got a host of issues that he needs to work out, and I don't feel you're qualified to help any in that regard. (Not because I think less of you - I feel the same way about myself. ) He attempted to video his lodger naked, and blamed it on "the stress of having cancer". Look, a ton of people have cancer, and very few feel the need to deal with the stress by trying to get some footage of some unwilling participant naked. And mind you - he's had trouble in the past with some sort of "sexually irresponsible" behavior. This apparently is a guy who has some issues with making sound decisions when it comes to sex. As such, this is not somebody I'd want to connect to myself. The other part? Well, to be put it delicately, you've shown evidence in the past of playing the savior role. It was just half a year ago that you finally broke free of the guy who had more or less been leeching off of you, in return for nothing more than vague hints of what might be in the cards. The odds that this guy will be looking for something "interim" are exceptionally low, and I very easily foresee the guy moving in permanently, and you feeling you have to let him stay there in perpetuum because "he doesn't have anywhere else to go". And that might be true - he may not have anywhere else to go. But that's because he exhausted all his resources. Some people need to learn their lessons the hard way, and it sounds like this guy might be one of them. He might have to end up with nowhere to go and nobody to lean on before he takes a good hard look at himself and figures out how he ended up in such a position. Lex
