Well, I literally just joined, so if I've done anything wrong I'm sorry in advance. ^^; I'm fifteen years old and female - though even that I'm not so sure about - and I'm pretty confused about everything, especially my sexual orientation. I have had crushes on guys since I can remember, because that's what you do as a young kid - you see a cute boy and you smile and get embarrassed and you do all of this cute little stuff that would make all the parents coo. However, it wasn't until my first real relationship (at the age of thirteen) with my boyfriend ended did I realise that I didn't actually enjoy our time together at all. In fact, I kind of (even now) pretend we were never together - physically admitting I was in a relationship, even a short-lived one like this, with this guy feels bitter in my mouth. It doesn't feel right at all. I'm not sure if it was something about him or something else but I just felt so uncomfortable with him. Nine months before that guy and I got together, my best girl-friend and I both admitted that we probably wouldn't mind dating girls, especially each other. This led on to month after month of flirting, awkward glances and question after question of "what if?" Shortly after my boyfriend and I broke up - with the aid of a 'dare' we secretly wanted to happen - my girl-friend became my girlfriend. I adored her, she was exactly like me in every way. Our connection was insane and it was crazy how right I thought we were for each other. We were together for eight months, until things got rocky and I couldn't take her flirtatious attitude towards others (especially guys) anymore. However, when I was with her I felt right; I felt like it was meant to be. Ever since then (almost ten months ago now) I have been severely concerned about my sexual orientation. I went from thinking I was bisexual with a male preference, to bisexual with a female preference, to pansexual with a female preference to my current thoughts that I am just flat-out lesbian. I sometimes refer to myself as gay when it just gets too complicated to explain, but I still feel unsure. For being quite an average to below-average girl in looks, I've actually had a somewhat large number of girls flirt strongly with me or admit to having a crush on me, and I've mostly ended up flirting back or approved of their crush, meaning that I would actually consider dating them. I find myself checking out girls as they walk past and I even find myself feeling attracted to the females in films. I even feel somewhat turned on by the eye-candy girls you'll find in music videos. Though, the "sexual" desires aside, I would much rather live a comfortable life with a girl as my partner than a guy. Ever since my girlfriend, I've been leaning more and more towards girls as potential partners. I can tell you a few famous men off of the top of my head that I find attractive, but I would never even consider a relationship with them. The whole idea in my head feels wrong. However, there's also a small gender identity factor in this that could play a part. In my mind, I'm the boyfriend. I'm the one who should treat his lady and act the gentleman and do all of this stereotypical 'perfect boyfriend' stuff. I'm not at all feminine, and when I look at myself I see a boyish girl. Ever since I was very young I wanted to be a boy. I was the "tomboy" of my school, always hanging with guys and I even remember being six or seven, on my knees, praying to God that he would turn me into a boy (I didn't understand that it doesn't work like that back then). I'm okay with being called "she" and my obviously feminine first-name, because that is my assigned sex, but that doesn't stop me wanting to be the man of a relationship. I sometimes picture my perfect family life, and I'm the "father" of it, with a girlfriend/wife and I would be the "dad-mum" of our child(ren). I know labels don't matter, because you feel what you feel and love who you love. Nevertheless, it would be a little more reassuring for myself to at least be able to "give" a label if I needed to, or for me to at least know that I vaguely fall under a label, so I'm not constantly feeling this confusion. Thank-you.
