Pretty Certain I'm Transsexual...

Hey everyone, well I know there is a number of trans related threads in existence, but rather then hijack someone's thread I figured I'd give this a bump with what's on my mind at the moment.

Well, I went to my counseling session yesterday, and I feel like overall it went pretty well. I felt like she really got me in like everything we talked about. For example, I was talking about how even though I don't think I'd like a sexual relationship with a girl, it kind of bugs me that I've never experienced anything sexual with one. She said right away that she thinks the only reason I would want to experience it is to prove to myself that I DON'T like having sex with a girl. She hit the nail right on the head, and it just felt to me like it was cases like this over and over again. So, I'm really feeling like my therapist really understands and gets me.

Well, on to the issue at hand. Basically, I explained to her that I think the reason I get so anxious and upset about transitioning is because I feel like I'm already at an age where if I'm going to do it, I need to do it NOW. I'm going to be 22 in a couple months =(

Well, she basically just expressed to me that she doesn't think I'm at a stage in my life where I am mentally, financially, or socially in a position to do it anyway, and while its good to try to figure myself out better, I should stop stressing about transition until its actually possible. That kind of made me feel better and worse at the same time. I again expressed my fear that if I don't do it now I'll never be passable (I kind of doubt I could now anyway, mostly because of my weight). She asked if I would want to transition if I couldn't be passable, and I told her I didn't think I would. She just told me that was something I would have to think about.

I'm trying to take her advice and stop stressing about it, because like she said it probably isn't an option in the here and now, but I'm feeling kind of bummed because now I really get the feeling its kind of out of the realm of possibility for my whole life...

I don't think I really have any questions or anything. Just getting out some emotions. If anyone has any feedback it would be appreciated though.

edit: Oh, and also, she said for the first time that I DO have Gender Identity dysphoria at the very least. I mean, I have a disorder with my gender identity. Its kind of obvious when you put it that way but I never really thought it like that. I kind of figured GID = Transitioning. Even if I still don't feel like I have a label I can feel 100% confident about, it feels kind of good to at least have it acknowledged that something is going on with me and its not just me making stuff up I guess =/ I don't know where I'm going with this anymore lol

 

It really is kind of financially impossible now because while I'm in college I'm kind of totally dependent on my parents. The problem is I won't finish my bachelor's degree for probably another year, and then assuming I can get into grad school it would probably be at least three years until I'm really financially independent. Three years seems like such a long time =/

What are the effects of this anti androgyn you mentioned? How can you get it prescribed and how much would it cost? Is it just something that stops your body from becoming more masculine? Would I be able to take it without people noticing? I've heard of Testosterone blockers for that kind of reason, but I don't know about this. I'm hoping to be more educated on drugs in a few months as I'm a couple weeks into "Drugs and Behavior" right now =P

Thanks, I've been wanting to lose weight, but it really is just for the possibility of transition. Sadly, I don't really care about my weight as a guy =/ I mean I'd like to be skinnier but meh.

Plus my hair is just kind of getting a shaggy look and I'm already getting comments from family and even my bf that I need a haircut =/ I like some shaggy hair with long bangs, but my hair is so thick it just looks really... Well puffy. I don't know how to make a long hair style really look good as a guy...

I feel like if I could just stop worrying about the "time pressure" I'm feeling I'd be a lot less anxious about the whole process, but I just feel like with every day I lost more and more chance of being passable. I suck at making small decisions, big ones scare the hell out of me, and this is a massive one we are talking about.

The good news is my therapist has assured me it seems like I'm going through normal thoughts of someone who is in the early stages of gender questioning and that it should become clearer with time. That's reassuring I suppose. I hate being confused. Everyone else seems so positive. Its hard to stay motivated about things when you don't even know how to imagine yourself in the future.