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Possible lesbian in a hetero relationship

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by eurgaysian, Nov 14, 2017 at 11:10 AM.

  1. eurgaysian

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    I've found myself in quite the odd predicament.
    I'm 20 and am currently studying abroad in Japan until the beginning of January. I started dating the guy who came with me on the same program two months ago, and up until now, I've never dated anyone. I said yes to dating him because he's very sweet, I didn't feel horrified at the idea (like I usually am when guys show interest), and I figured it was about time I tried dating someone.
    Since about a year ago, I've identified as bi, because I finally realized and accepted my strong attraction towards women. However... I never thought to question whether I was attracted to men or not. (I love heteronormativity.)

    Well, here we are, two months into my first relationship, and I feel nothing. I mean, aggressively nothing. I actively avoid and procrastinate kissing him, because 1. I'm not attracted to him in the slightest, 2. I'm not super comfortable with that kind of touching yet, and 3. I feel absolutely zero emotional, romantic, or sexual feelings while engaging in mouth-to-mouth contact with this boy. I'm usually GREAT at feeling feelings, but I've never felt less in my life than when I'm kissing him. (Assuming the urge to leave the room doesn't count.)

    He's noticed, obviously -- he practically has to force me to kiss him after hours of stalling -- and so far we've chalked it up to my fear of intimacy/touching/people being too physically close to me. Which is definitely a factor. But another truth is that I'm simply not attracted to him.
    And not only that, but I can't remember ever being actually attracted to a man. My only crushes have been on girls. I obsess over how hot certain female characters are on TV; never the male ones. I feel that fluttery attraction feeling whenever I'm around a woman I find particularly pretty or cool, and I've never felt that for a man, fictional or otherwise. When I came out as bi a year ago, I just assumed that I was also attracted to guys, with absolutely no proof that that was true. But now that I think about it, I've always had a hard time understanding how people could be attracted to men, as I've never seemed to be capable of it myself.

    But maybe he's just not the one. Maybe I could be attracted to a man, and it's too soon to go around calling myself a lesbian. I really haven't a clue. All I know is that I definitely like girls, whereas I've never liked a guy that way.

    So my problems are that:
    1) I don't know whether I'm a lesbian or bi (although it's not looking good).
    2) I'm not attracted to my boyfriend (who LOVES me, like an overwhelming amount).
    3) We're stuck in Japan together for the next two months, so I'm not a big fan of the idea of breaking up here. It would definitely ruin this last half of the trip for him. I can act straight for a while if it'll save him the exponential pain of seeing the ex-girlfriend he's in love with every day in a country we're supposed to be enjoying. He's a wonderful person whom I care for deeply, and I'd hate to do that to him, although I know I'll have to break it off eventually for both of our sakes.

    Any thoughts? I've talked to my roommates about this, and they're incredibly supportive, but I could use some outside opinions.
     
    #1 eurgaysian, Nov 14, 2017 at 11:10 AM
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2017 at 11:11 AM
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. That is a bit of a situation you have yourself in.

    1) I can't tell you what you are but I think deep down you probably already know but are still coming to terms with that. It can be scary to let go of that hope of being attracted to guys but it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

    2) this is an issue which will only be solved by ending the relationship but I understand the point about you maybe waiting until you leave Japan.

    3) I think this all depends on how distressing it is and how things go, I understand why you want to wait but if he has already noticed I presume this will only get worse as time passes. It may be something you have to see how it goes. Usually I'm all for the just be honest and tell the truth but I do understand where you are coming from.
     
  3. eurgaysian

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    Yeah, I am scared to let go of the possibility of ending up with a guy, especially because then I'd have to go through considerably more awkwardness/hardship as a lesbian than a bi person, plus actually tell everyone in my family. It's not what I'd always pictured as my future, and despite their lack of flagrant homophobia, it certainly isn't what my parents had envisioned for their daughter. If I can only be attracted to women, life is gonna be one hell of a different ride than I was expecting. I just... I wasn't quite prepared for this.

    I'll probably take these last two months of being in Japan to think about my feelings for men and for women, really pay attention to how I feel (or rather, don't) around my boyfriend, and maybe come around to the idea that I should put guys on the back burner for a while and try dating women instead. In the meantime, I'll just have to endure my boyfriend's touch. He's respectful and loving, which is all I could hope for with him right now.

    Thank you for the understanding reply. It helps. :slight_smile:
     
  4. silverhalo

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    No worries. I don't think being a lesbian has to be harder than being bi, I think they both come with their own unique difficulties. Being bi means there is a chance you can live your life without potentially having to tell lots of people and you can fit into the heterosexual world but you also come across biphobia and if you are bi there is still a chance you could fall in love with a woman and then all the lesbian struggles are just as relevant.
    Letting go of the hope of falling for a guy I think will be your biggest hurdle and potentially everything after that will be easier than you think. I'm not saying it will be easy but also not the hell you are imagining. I don't think any parents envisage a gay life for their child, even if they are liberal and accepting but that's just society all over everyone is straight and will live the hetero way unless they tell us otherwise.