Polyamory?

This. I would get extremely hurt and jealous if my bf made out and did other things with other guys. My heart just doesn't work that way, but if other people's does then no worries

 

Alright, this can be an emotionally taxing conversation so I'll jump in as long as I have energy. LOVE this topic because before I was in a nonmonogamous relationship I had the exact same feelings as everyone has shared, but now that I'm in a open relationship its funny how monogamous people overthink and over complicate stuff that is honestly soooo natural once you learn how to have open and honest communication with all your partners.

Poly is actually going up in "popularityt' but nonmongamy has always been more present in LGBT community than straight community. It also how you define it. For some people a threesome every 5 years isn't an open relationship, but strictly monogamous people would never have a threesome.

Communication and a good google calendar safe the day! Time is one of the hardest resources to juggle and most poly people will figure out what their limit is, but EVERYONE has this problem. You always hear of monogamous people fighting if their partner spends too much time at work or with friends, so its the exact thing but with other lovers. You just have to communicate and balance your time wisely.

The hard part is that I can't give you rules on how to make poly work for you since its such a personal decision where all people must agree on. Good books would be "Ethical Slut" and "More Than Two". Those books will give you the basics of how to have open and intentional communication with your partner so you can all figure out how to meet the needs of each other.

For my own relationship, we are open to polyamory if it happens, but so far we just haven't connected to another person in that way. For now we just have amazing friends who we also hook up with every so often.

That's just scientifically not true. Humans aren't meant to just be with one single person for their whole lives. That's one of the reasons why cheating is such a widespread practice in monogamous relationships. You can say that nonmonogamy isn't for you, but when it comes to science you are just wrong to state that humans are "naturally" monogamous. \

This also gets even trickier since most people define monogamous as having one partner, but in reality monogamy is having only one partner for the rest of your life. What most people are are serial monogamist, which means you have one partner at a time but you have multiple partners in your lifetime.

This is also not true. Nonmonogamy is quite more present that you realize, but its an underground culture in many ways. People simply don't talk about it openly because its none of people's business what they do in their sex lives. But swinger parties and open relationships are more common than you think.

Polyamory is definitely less common. One fun fact is that polyamory groups always try to stop the religious crazy from coming in. A lot of poly groups will host their meeting in LGBT centers in order to keep right-leaning religious people away.

 

I agree that it would require maturity and responsibility. Unfortunately, few people are this way.

 

It's interesting that that has been your experience. My experience is pretty much just anecdotal but I've known a LOT of LGBT people in 25 years being out and frankly it seems to me that in the gay community both polyamory and open relationships are MUCH less common than they once were. Despite being hopelessly conventional I definitely mourn that fact--we've all gotten so boring.

 

The horny side of me would love it, but the rational side could never put up with. Too different for me I think

 

No problem. I think you have a good foundation of what a poly relation can look basing it from what you have posted, but if you ever have more questions feel free to post on my wall thing and I can either answer them or point you to some resources.

Here is a short article that explains why a lot of gay marriages keep this secret: http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_facto...mous_will_straight_couples_go_monogamish.html

But, at least based on the studies that I have found, nonmonogamy is far more frequent in lgbt couples than straight couples. Its what some people call "monogamish" but I think the term robs complexity to the conversation.

Lucky around my circles open relationships are more common, but the only reason I know that is because I make a point of being very vocal about my open marriage, so then other people will confine with me about their own relationships and to ask for advice.

 

I would certainly never argue that it is less common in gay circles than straight circles, merely that it is less common in gay circles than it was 20 years ago or even 10 or 5 years ago. I think a lot of the fact that it is more prevalent in gay couples comes down to a simple higher level of honesty--in my opinion there's a lot to the old adage that gay couples have arrangements while straight couples just have affairs. Twenty years ago a large majority of gay couples I knew were open in some form--that is no longer the case. Again, I'm not necessarily happy about that it's just what I see. As far as evidence about how the trends have been over time, especially in recent years, or even how marriage has affected that I certainly wouldn't look to a study where they stopped collecting data in February of 2007.

 

Ah, got it! Sorry took me a while to see where you were coming from. Would be interesting to see a study about that indeed! I'm like you where I hope that the legalization of same-sex marriages doesn't completely change the landscape

Yeah, this is the tricky part and one where I have not that much experience with. My husband and I self-identified as monogamous when we got together and it wasn't until 2 years into our relationship that we started exploring nonmonogamy. Luckily we both just felt right at home, but it could have been a disaster otherwise. Not that I'm in a relationship is a bit easier to find other people by just being on certain apps, but its sitll hard to find people who are poly and that we connect with.

I would start though by just showing up. Most big cities have polyamorous social groups going on and there is a national thing called polycocktails where one tuesday each month poly people get together for socializing and drinks. Its kinda cute and when poly people move to a different city that is the event that they are going to be looking for. Try looking at the big cities around you for one in a meetup group. It can either be a hit or miss, but you can start meeting other poly people and you can learn from them and meet other people through them.

The other thing that a lot of poly people have to do is kinda train people who are curious about nonmonogamy into it. It can be an exhausting process though so I would only do it if you really like that person.

The one thing that I would caution you do is to only look for a poly relationship. One of the most beautiful things about polyamory is to learn that the imaginary boundaries between best friend and romantic relationships are not that set in stone. That is to say, also focus on creating beautiful and fulfilling friendships with people. There is also something called "relationship anarchy" which is a bit more out there but is a philosophy that some poly people identify with.

 

Not the best at explanining it since its such a different way to look at relationships, but yes sound like you get the gist of it all. I don't adhere to it myself because its sooo hard to implement, but the thing that I do try to incorporate into my life is that the rules of what separates friendships, romantic relations, etc are all made up. We get to decide what we want our relationships to look like. But yes, friends can be just as fulfilling if not more than someone who you marry.