Please, help me

Last night my mother tried to talk with me again about my sexuality. I was completely honest about my feelings, told her everything I feel for my boyfriend and also said I miss him so much. She was listening, and after I finished, she just told: "I want all luck of the world on your side, but for me, I just want to die ASAP. I am ashamed of you and of this life you chose for yourself. You are not aware of what you did to me, to your father and to your sister. I am so full of shame that I can't talk to anyone and I am not the same person any more - i do not smile nor sleep." I told her that all this is her problem, her perception and that she is just making it harder for herself and for me. She then replied that, if it is this easy, why I do not tell it to my father, and I said because I don't know how he will take it. She just told me that I should stop destroying myself, them, my boyfriend and his family. After I told her they accepted him and me as well, she just said: "stop it, don't lie". I just told her that very first day I get days off I am going to visit him because I love him and care for him no matter what she said. I really don't know if I did it well.

 

Yeah, that is what I think, but they will stop finincing my college and that is the main reason why I am still with them under the same roof. I love them and care for them and I respect them but they just don't realize that And it freeks me out.

 

Didn't even talk with my mum today. I tried but she didn't want to.

 

So did I, but it just gets worse and worse and worse...

 

I also taught that she will eventually calm down, try to think other way, but no. It's been three months since I told her and she shows no sign, no willingness to change her mind. So I know she can't do it so fast, but any sign that she will try to understand my feelings. But no. I am something unnatural for her, what will people say and etc.

 

She just entered my room. I was reading something. She approached me and asked if she can kiss me. I told her yes (with a tone if you really have to). So, she kissed me and told me: "I'm gonna kiss you like this every night". I don't know how to explain this.. Is she trying to make me feel loved so she can manipulate with me, or she finally realized something. I think it is the first one..

 

I do. In the end, I always say it will be ok, even if it doesn't seem so. The problem here is that my boyfriend and I are miles and miles apart, and they are the only reason why I can't visit him. This is why I am sad and depressed. Because I miss him a lot, have money to travel and have enough time, but also have idiotic parents.

My mother loves some other me. Not me me, but the other me. The straight me. The day she relizes I did not change, and that the least important thing is who I go into bed with, abd when she kisses me then, I will enjoy. Now, I don't.

My problem is that I can lie to anyone, but not them. They know me too good and they know when I am telling the truth. Last time I said I am going to visit my girfriend in captial of Croatia, and the very last day, before the trip, she asked if I am telling them the truth. And I said no. Because I know she knows. And my father is policeman. Very known in Croatia and Split especially. In any moment he can realize I am 250km away from the city I should be in:tears:

 

My sister just told me that we need to talk with dad. She told me this because in her opinion, this whole situation for our mom is too hard and that it would much better if we tell it to dad so maybe than she will feel better or at least will have someone to talk to. I would like to tell my dad that I am gay, but I am afraid of his reaction and also everything I am passing through with my mum, I will have to pass again. I am afraid of his reation, and I also don't know how to approach him. I am afraid then relationship between my boyfriend and me will be destroyed, or I will have to move out, quit college and... I don't know. I am really sorry guys for bothering you here again and again but I am scared as never before. My worst dreams are becoming reality..

 

Hey, thanks for your support! Something same said my friend today, and my boyfriend told me that no matter what I do or what I say he will be with me. He said that I shouldn't listen that much others, but to listen to myself because I am the only one who knows my parents the best. I know my dad, and I know he will be both furious and sad when he finds out. Although my sister thinks he will not prohibit me from going to my boyfriend, I think he will and that is the only reason why I am so scared of telling him the truth. It has been 3 months since I saw my boyfriend and I really don't know what I will do if he doesn't give me his permission. Maybe because he did permit me to go to my "girlfriend" 3 months ago, now he will say no, you are like this because we allowed you so many things... I really don't know what to do and I want to show them my authority.

 

Of course it is much more important to finish my education but you can't let someone ruin something really important to you, only because of someones wrong beliefs or just because they are educating you, which is in some way their obligation as a parent.

I am kind of a person who will always fight for someone or something I love. Especially if there is some injustice. I will do everything to stay with someone I love. For so many years I was alone and unhappy. Now, I don't want to lose my happiness because my parents do what they have to - paying my tuition.

I contacted a psychologist today. She is one of the best in my country, usually you can read about her and her work in newspapers. I admire her a lot because she was my psychology teacher at the college so, I asked her for help. She told me to either move out and continue with my own life in the same city, visit my parents once or twice, or stay with them and put a relationship aside. She told me to do everything with a plan and together with my boyfriend. She finds this situation extremely hard and she think there is a hard period of time for me. But her conclusion was is that love of our parents is big, even bigger than we think. She told me my father may surprise me, same as my mother. So, there is hope. (!)