Hi. So for most of my life I have been open to the idea of falling in love with someone of either gender, and in the last five years or so have been much more aware of an attraction to women as well as men. However, recently I have started to think about if I am in fact a lesbian and need someone to talk about it who will understand. Apologies in advance for the longer list. -Throughout my childhood and adolescence I definitely felt attracted to men and thought about them sexually. Unlike other threads/comments I have read, I don't remember feeling anything properly for girls (crushes etc) until around 18. -I preferred being friends though with boys, and if I had a doctor etc. as a child my mum tells me I insisted on a man, because I was uncomfortable otherwise. -Since actually having sexual experiences with men, I have realised that I don't think that thoughts about men are actually things I want to happen in life. During my first proper (which I class as in a relationship with someone I really liked) sexual experience with a guy , I was very surprised that I immediately thought 'I wish this was a women' and had to shut my eyes and not look at him. This didn't continue per se, but I did find each experience unfulfilling on a sexual level. ((-Also I was ill a lot as a teenager so didn't really have the secondary (or high school) standard experience where I might have perhaps worked things out as people started dating.)) -I find women's bodies more attractive then men's. Whilst when I see men I am attracted to (some of) them, and want to kiss them, I don't think I would want to have sex with them. -But I have been in love with a man and I can seem myself romantically with a man, until I think about having sex. -But I have found it difficult to imagine being romantically involved with a woman. I have watched Youtube videos and the L word etc. to see whether the fact that the media isn't very good at showing lesbian relationships was affecting this, or whether it is me. > the results being I still find it hard; I think I could have a lesbian relationship, but not a 'spend your life with me' > I don't know if this is because it is very difficult to change a world view (being with a man) or because I genuinely do not want that. > But when I go back to thinking of being with a guy, the idea of having sex is more 'I suppose I can deal with that' then 'I want that' >> However, I feel like maybe I will change my mind. And because penetration, particularly, is difficult currently because of GYN problems. I have never had penetrative sex with a guy because of these problems (in process of being solved), although part of me wonders if it wasn't in fact a relief that these reasons existed, because it wasn't something I wanted to do anyway. -I can find intimacy difficult because of past mental health issues (in recovery). -But I can imagine doing things with a woman, and further more I want to. -In the last year I sometimes feel a need to reach out and touch/smell a woman, which I don't think I have ever felt with a guy. Basically I can't tell exactly what I want and what is just a new thing to get my head around. As you will be able to tell I am a thinker, not a feeler, and all this variables are constantly being analysed in my head. Is this just a current obsession of my mind, or am I revealing these hidden emotions because I am not good with dealing with emotions anyway. It is a bit like I am deciding in myself if this is a phase of female-leaning pansexuality or something more? Apologies for long long ramble and making it this far! Any thoughts or personal experiences, especially thinking you were bi/pan but being gay?
Hi- to be honest at the end of the day only you know who you are and who you want to be with. I know, I know. A lot of people have heard this a million times and it's not exactly the most practical advice. The thing is sexual and romantic preferences/orientation can be different. It's basically the differences between who you are sexually attracted to/want to have sex with, and who you see yourself romantically with/dating/having a deep emotional bond with. These two orientations can be the same, similar, or completely different, it's all okay. It just depends on you, and what makes you happy at the end of the day. Maybe your sexual and romantic orientation is different from each other? See what you're comfortable with and what seems to work. Don't worry too much about this. I mean, it's natural to want to think and analyze, it's what I did for months and months. And most of all just give it time I think. Because of the world we live in we are exposed to heterosexual relationships far more than any other, so if you're questioning sometimes you have to give yourself time to accept and sort through your thoughts/desires. Good luck though! Don't stress too much Sooner or later it'll be figured out.
Thanks Mackenzie. I'm only about 6 weeks in to seriously thinking about this. (I may have slightly freaked out after posting my thread and was unable to see if anyone replied). I think I felt a bit like lots of other people's stories (on the web and youtube) talked about noticing things earlier in life and certainly throughout teenage years: I feel a bit confused because I can't see myself if this has really been under the surface. I worry that my romantic and sexual preferences may differ, almost most of all. Because what do I do with that situation?
I understand that sometimes during questioning thinking back on earlier events can be difficult, since for some people attraction towards anything but the opposite sex was repressed for a long time. Don't worry about it too much- it's not great to completely neglect the past but thinking too much about it may also be damaging and confusing. It just depends how you like to figure things out. Since you said that you worry mostly about the difference between romantic and sexual preferences, I guess I'll talk about that. It is pretty confusing to have different preferences, and it takes some time to figure it out. Who do you find sexually or physically attractive? (keep in mind this is different from finding someone aesthetically attractive. Finding someone aesthetically attractive is admiring how they look and recognizing they look good, but you wouldn't necessarily have sex with them, nor would you be excited to. That's what I learned up until now.) Assuming you want and are interested in sex, who would you be comfortable, happy, and excited to having sex with? Who would you not mind spending most of your life with, who would you not mind dating, kissing, cuddling, etc. Who would you form a strong, deep emotional bond with? Scratch that, who would you be excited to date, kiss, and spend your life with? Thinking about it can be really confusing and it can be hard to be honest with yourself. Don't stress too much about it, take your time to explore it if you are unsure. Normalize yourself with relationships that aren't straight, because I find that since everywhere you look in society there are generally only straight couples in movies, media, etc, (there is thankfully more LGBT representation these days but definitely not enough), it can be pretty difficult to be objective. By being and allowing yourself to be open to all of this can take some time and patience, but it's helpful. But honestly? Who you are at the end of the day is who you are. It's what makes you happy. It's what you feel naturally comfortable and happy with. There is nothing wrong with there being a difference between your sexual and romantic orientation, because there are certainly people on here who would want to have sex with some people but would only want a relationship with others. I, for one, would not want to actively seek out sex with a man, only with women. I find women's bodies attractive, I find them hot and I would want to have sex with them. But not with men. I can find them good looking, but I wouldn't want to have sex with them. Yet I would be comfortable with dating both guys and girls and kissing/cuddling both, although I prefer to do that with women. If you find out that your orientation is different, that's fine. If that's who you are and who you're comfortable with, forcing anything else on yourself will only make you unhappy. If you find out you are exclusively sexually attracted to one gender yet exclusively romantically attracted to another one, it may sound contradictory and difficult to wrap your head around yet it will work out. As long as you know what makes you happy and what you want. There is nothing that is wrong. Just accept who you are once you're sure and you know, it's all okay. Of course, only you can know at the end of the day. The more you discover about yourself the more you'll know. So I can't tell you anything for sure, only that you should be open to the possibility of being anything and just be patient. Seriously, don't stress
Hey like mackenziesr said, I'd like to tell you what you are, but in truth only you will know. I remember two years ago I posted in a forum my story and most people said that I was straight, but was just curious about guys. Of course, deep inside the truth was that I was gay, not curious, but I'm the only one that could have known that. Unless you experiment there is no way of knowing.
Mackenziesr, thanks I think that when I see a guy on TV/on the street I am attracted and initially think sexually, but if I fantasise further I can't see me really enjoying their bodies. Whereas I am attracted to women on the street I can't picture being with them beyond sex, perhaps because it is only recently I have developed close female friendships and had more female friends than guy friends. I don't think it is the kissing/cuddling aspect, I think it is more that until say 2012 to talk very openly with a girl would be odd (this includes family). It just seems to me unfeasible and unfair to another person if I am solely romantically connected to them, and I guess also for me to not have a satisfying sexual component to a significant relationship. Not that I want to settle down right now, but it confuses how I think of dating. MassiveExtract, I feel like I am sure for a few days and then I think something or see someone who makes me feel completely different. So today I am thinking I am pansexual with a romantic leaning and personality leaning towards guys, whereas I feel like a week or so ago I was beginning to think that I could be in a relationship with a girl. As you say I think meeting people who challenge what I thought my sexual or romantic preference will be good; that is slightly easier said then done right now but definitely I will bear in mind as I am moving into a new place at the end of summer.
I think it's natural to be confused at the moment. Honestly, I think you should give yourself time to think about this. I know, it sounds like typical and frustrating advice. But I can't tell you whether or not you are attracted to women or men, and in which way. Only you can understand and know for sure, and once you do things will clear up much easier. Since you're sort of just opening up to yourself maybe it's hard to see now. I know that for me in the beginning it was hard for me to see or accept or try to understand anything. I liked a girl and had a very strong crush on her yet I still denied that I was anything but straight for 2 years- even while I had fantasies about kissing her and dating her. So, it does take some time. If you're just beginning to explore this, and since you're only recently developed close female friendships, I'd give yourself room to explore and understand more. Don't take things too hurriedly, I tried to do that, doesn't work. You have time, it's okay. Don't worry about the future or that it'll be somehow unfair to a future partner. After all, there's no need to stick a label so quickly on yourself, give yourself room and space to explore as I said. Maybe your sexual and romantic orientation isn't completely different from each other (and even if it is, people who identify as such still do have healthy relationships), after all if you're still questioning in the beginning it's really hard to know for sure. Just try and remember that your sexual and romantic orientation may be different, and that's it. Remember it's okay and it's natural. Go with what makes you happy. Allow yourself to think about it, including relationships and sexual attraction. Best of luck
Thanks mackensiesr, I have been chatting again with my mother today (I hadn't seen her in a while). And I realised that in the street I am less and less looking at guys. Or if I look at them, I don't feel a need to turn/alter my gaze to look at them more. I noticed this at work too, as I work at a tourist site. I think as well that even when fantasies etc. involve guys I focus more on what the girl is doing (actively), or the idea of her that is appealing and not any guy involved (or passive things happening to her, unless another girl is involved). I appreciate all the advice. I think time is important too and figuring stuff out in general. It is nice just to have someone to talk about how confusing and backwards-and-forwards you feel. I think there is a common notion (outside the specific lgbt... community) that you kind of 'knew all along' and can see signs from early childhood. Whereas me and my mum can't think to know (and I had other stuff going on that might have masked it), although she said she wouldn't be surprised with anything I was or did anymore (in a nice way I hope!).
Good to hear you're slowly working it out That's good, just take it easy and if you have someone to talk to, it does help! I understand how you feel about signs from early childhood. It's difficult for me to remember signs from childhood because I'm not sure if it's just that I don't remember or I was repressing stuff, so yeah. But anyways, good luck! If you ever need to talk feel free (*hug*)
