ello. i got my period again, which i like to call the red terror because i think im funny. its so hard when your trans because you feel like your body is betraying you, as if my body somehow has its own consciousness and decided to make my life a living hell. it makes me feel like the only way i can ever really be happy is to escape this god forsaken body. and the only way thats possible is through death. i dont really want to die, but at the same time ill never be a real man even if i transition. but i have to get as close as i can get otherwise ill eventually kill myself out of all the pain im going through. its the decision between life and death at this point, and i dont think i can stall it much longer. i swear my entire life is like that MATD song the state of dreaming right now. "if only you knew my dear, how i live my life in fear. if only you knew my dear, how i know my time is near" more to the point, give me some advise in how to function until i can get the red terror to fucking stop
1) As your signature says, put your username at the end of the sentence and it will instantly be 10x better. So: "Hey, I got my period and it exploded." Ok, now the serious part. 2) Your body doesn't fully define you. Your <<red terror>> doesn't make you less of a guy. You're not the only guy with a red terror: you share this feature with other pre-hrt, non-pill-taking transguys. Separate the feature of your body from their instinctive emotional meaning. For example, I see my hipbones and thighs and my brain automatically says: "Oh, feminine body. Soft and curvy. And womanly sexy" and a piece of that brain plugs his ears and starts to scream, while the near one tries to calm him down and shouts WELL, THEN STOP LOOKING AT IT, YOU FOOL. But I have to look down while looking at the ground or putting shoes on. So I repeat to myself that it's not woman's hips. It's my hips, I'm a guy, therefore they're guy's hips: syllogism. Even if they're large. Same with the period. There are guys with large hips. There are guys with a... uhm... red terror. These are just features. Cisgender folks attach emotional meaning to them, we don't have to. We need not to. 3) I don't know all the health consequences in detail, but - if the red terror influences your mood so badly - you can take the pill to make it slightly lighter or - I have heard - to stop it. The progestogen-only pill doesn't contain estrogen (I wish I had knew it before. I had to take one with anti-androgens. There was a doubled guy screaming in my brain.) 4) I used to compensate my period by being more physically active than usual. Like a challenge. Your possibilities depend on your health conditions during red terror. For example, I was anemic (probably still am xD), so I had to listen to the body while doing sports, otherwise I could end up just... fainting. Other people have headache and cramps. Others can't get up from their bed because of the pain (if it's your case, get medication; no person with an uterus is condemned to suffering just because that organ, even if healthy, is harassing to deal with). Find your non-crossable limits, walk near the boundary and wave a proud middle finger to your red terror. 5) Some transguys feel less dysphoric using tampons rather than pads, but that's usually not true for those who are dysphoric about penetrative vaginal sex. 6) Talk to a friend. About suicidal thoughts and similar. Maybe they won't give you the ultimate enlightening idea about how to deal with mental health that's melting (mine's melting too, btw), but they will listen. I've just listened to a ted talk about suicidal people on golden gate bridge (here it is: https://www.ted.com/talks/kevin_briggs_the_bridge_between_suicide_and_life) and plain listening is what usually makes a difference. I complain a lot about not having money for a therapist but, if it weren't for my friends who patiently read all the repetitive messages - and 90% of the time they're not able to offer a solution, but they just listen - I'd be already at the balcony, looking down and wondering if the height will be enough to kill me and not just to paralyze me.
It's really difficult to deal with, especially for pre-T transguys. It's something we have all gone through and all hate, believe me. There are ways to stop it though. Some types of birth control (pills, injections, etc.) will stop them altogether or at least reduce the severity / frequency. Other than that, it will stop once you get on T for a few months. Until then it's just a matter of toughing it out, unfortunately. Distract yourself with working out, video games, or your hobbies. Just live your day to day and it will pass soon enough. As Crisalide said, going through this doesn't define you or make you any less of a man. In fact I always say, if anything, it makes you more of a man to have gone through periods. I don't think cisguys could deal with it. I wish I had more advice to offer you. Just stay strong and keep your chin up. You're fabulous, brother.
Hey, I can relate to periods making you feel really dysphoric and crappy overall. I find that I am often male when I have my period. Remember that not looking male or having a period does not make you any less male; it is not about bodily functions, but about how you feel inside. Try to remind yourself of that; I often have to do just that when I am male and can't present that way. I agree with Kodo that it really does make anyone who experiences a period stronger. I found the one thing I really do appreciate on my period, product-wise, is a menstrual cup because you can almost forget you are on your period at times if not in pain. You kind of have to be some-what comfortable with your body/anatomy to use, but overall I found it made my periods a less annoying experience.
