perception / Stereotype of male beauty and loneliness

Hi guys,

I have a profile on a gay dating website and it just seems to me that all the “straight” looking, half naked and more of the conservative looking guys often get a lot of attention, of which some are often in some way handsome as well. I consider myself as having feminine characteristics but I’ve always been like this since I can remember…Known that I liked boys since I was five… never doubted about that. With feminine I don’t mean the kind of over the top attention grabbing behavior, but more of a natural way in which for some it is obvious and for others not so much. I’ve always intended not to stray from whom I really am to myself and at the same time knowing/accepting I am and always will be a minority in a minority group..

This may sounds very strange but I kind of feel neglected on this gay dating site since I almost don’t receive any messages, and the few I get are from guys that I don’t find (physically) attractive to me at all, which I consider as an important aspect, though less than personality but I’ve always had something with beauty . I’ve been told by quite a lot of people that I’m beautiful as well but I know from myself it’s not in a typical man-handsome/masucline kind of way. I do remember, that when I had a photo where I generally looked more “masculine” I got like 60 messages in a few hours and I did love the attention. The thing was however, I’m a lover of fashion and so in fashion I started to search for what fitted me mostly in relation to my personality, interests and also different characters in art inspired me to do so. This resulted in me going a bit further with fashion and trying more and as from now I know I may appear a bit more feminine because of it. I do however, find that nothing should be labeled with a “male” or “female” gender as long as it suits you and you feel comfortable in it.

It may seem like a luxury problem in which probably many won’t get fed up about it like I do, but it kind of depresses me when I don’t get any signs of interest at all on such a dating site, especially now one can behold my true colors in all its glory! So with all my interests in the fashion and perspective of beauty, I’m starting to doubt my own beauty because of it! I do not have any attentions to appear as a person to be full of himself but I would like to have your opinion on the way I look. Not so much that I would change because of it, but just to get the idea and maybe the acceptance that I do look this and this way and that’s WHY I don’t got attention anymore. Here’s a photo of mine:

View image: 1

So in other words, I started to see there’s a certain standard in physical attractiveness that many gay men will primarily find attractive before anything else. I’m not saying they’re all like that, but surely the majority who wants to fit in and be considered “hot”. Somehow I’ve felt like I’ve partly been there and it seemed very shallow to me, and so I changed my ways for a more authentic display. Rather than one would expect an identity crisis I feel more closely connected to whom I really am and I’m truly at peace at times.

But the neglecting thing has been going on a bit to long for me now and I’ve started to look differently at people in the gay community because of my own loneliness that I’ve been upholding for quite some time now. I consider myself as someone that can handle such emotions well, but being a person that was always the one who was SO into romantic happenings/stories, REAL passion etc, it can be a real challenge for me to neglect it, though I’m still doing it. I’m proudly open about my sexual orientation since I was 15 (now 22) but my believe in some form of love, staying true to your authentic identity and personality proved to be something very rarely/not at all to be found within the gay community up until now.

I am proud because of what I believe in, but I’m afraid that such proudness won’t allow me to love, and it’ll only strengthen if I keep on minding about the amount of attention I get from guys. I want to know the truth and the truth alone, even the ugly truth if necessary 

If you’ve made it this far,
Thanks for reading!!

 

Thank you for the responds, I really do appreciate it

@worriedwardrobe.. you don't have to be jealous, for me it was like there is no other way than just looking at myself like that. You should appreciate the aspects that makes you you... I realized a long time ago that you have to embrace what makes you unique, even if it makes others feel uncomfortable there is no other way if you want to be in peace with yourself and the environment as well. Now I know you're still very young and I bet most of the gay guys have battled those feelings (even me at points when people would try to prove to me that something was wrong with me), but through it all, it will make you an overall better person with more understanding for "the other". If you want the world to be better a place, what better place to start than with yourself? When you know what kind of aspects make you unique, and you tend to cling to those then you WILL become aware of how strong you really are and you'll tend to see negative judgements about homosexuality in a different daylight, in which you are the one that can make a difference in this world for the good

The rest, thank you as well! you won't be forever alone, you should not too intensively and desperately search for love but let it come to you in the most natural way as possible. Still, you have to get out there and get to meet people, get acquainted with lots of different personalities and you will see that at one point you'll bump each other heads to each other without realizing it's just probably that one guy you've been waiting for.. This doesn't have to sound far-fatched not as long as you believe you deserve to love and be loved in return.. but you have to be positively, absolutely sure about what you believe in and be open towards the other, and BE positive! Me myself could indeed try to go to more gay clubs/places or something of the sort to get amongst like-minded people, because I know I have been avoiding those places because it seemed to me as a very superficial scene. BUT I may just get surprised, as will you

Oh and I may come across as caring and romantic, but at the same time I'm very outgoing and quite an extrovert as well, in which my purpose is to truly show (once again) what you're all about, and use your knowledge and personality to not only meet and befriend others, but also maybe teach them a thing or two and change unjustifiable perceptions of what seems to different and wrong to them, in something that they shouldn't be afraid of. I keep things for myself when I think I'm honestly wasting my time and that's why it is so utterly important to surround yourself by like-wise minded people or at least those who can bring you higher in terms of knowledge and realization, rather than down . As a lover of music I'll give you a short reference out of a song that truly helps me in times of doubt and unsecurity, which again is a prove that we're perfectly HUMAN - Whether you're high or low, you've got to tip on the tightrope-..
in other words, never get too high on accolades, never get too low on critics.. keep your mind in balance

For those who are afraid of other's perceptions of homosexuality, it is often their lack of knowledge that makes them think wrongly about gay people in general. I have a short story to tell that actually quite sums it up in terms of discriminating the other.

My cousin told me that her boyfriend reacted in a disgusted way when he heard her nephew is gay (Me) and asked her how the hell can she hang out with me? Of course she got angry about it because she cares for me and doesn't think it is something you should consider as different.. well that didn't change his perception at that point!

One quite boring day, I decided to call her and asked to meet up but she said she was at his place with his family and stuff, and I got this switch in my mind that said; hey this would be a nice opportunity.. so I asked her if I could come to his place so I could meet her even though I knew he had a negative perpection of gay people, and I didn't know what his family would be like. My cousin is the type of girl that says yeah why not, so I decided to come and just be completely myself, comfortable and kind towards the rest that was sitting there.. at first he was a bit quite but I kind of pulled the words out of his mouth at one moment... We had a very nice day/evening and before I left he asked me: when are you coming again?

You see my point? that's why CHANGE for the good begins with you when other are not in the position to see it from a positive angle. Don't be afraid.. Fear is self-taught.. it taught by your environment to fear things while it shouldn't be that way. Be fearless in what you believe in! All you can do is let them see, what they'll do with it is completely up to them but at least know you're doing the right thing

 

Would you really consider that mystery hand as a turn-off? well that's the thing, there is no such thing as competition from where im standing. and yes I wear stuff completely for myself, if i would do it for others and to be liked by others i would've dressed differently.. I'm not wearing stuff for the sole purpose of following trends, but only choose the things that fit me and my personality. In this sense i can honestly say its the best thing fashion can mean to a person.

I deleted the profile on the gay dating site because it just doesn't work. It may sounds cheesy, but as i said before.. The way i think about love and the way it means the world to mw has made me very protective while im really passionate when im in love. I haven't had sex since December 2010!!! And i was just fine with it because as long as something does not feel right nothing will happen if you ask me. I want to leave IT all to one person that could mean something for me, have a strong connection with, where i can laugh my ass of with and with whom i can be passionate in everything i do. too much to ask? I don't know.. But l have been very unfortunate in love and being myself completely, means suffering more in some kind of way, because of the current ideal image gay men have in general and expectations that they have from each other that seen far too shallow for me to pay attention to. I know where the "problem" lies, but if it means acting or pretend in order to be happy then id rather choose the road of passion and pain, and just keep striving for what i want

 

Yes you're absolutely right and thanks for the clearer insight that you've given me into the online situation! I should've kept that in mind! Think im mostly sabotaging myself into thinking things that make me worry about the idea whether or not someone finds me attractive. i really do probably have to get in contact with guys in another way than online dating sites since I realized I haven't been active in the gay scene that much at all, mostly because it seems too superficial to me. Well, can't hurt to just go and see with who- or what I'll get acquainted with.