Friends, I was hoping you could help me with something. I am 68 years old. I have been married to my wife for 45 years. I am bi and she is straight, and I finally came out to her (and our children) three weeks ago. It went remarkably well. The fact that one of my daughters is a lesbian probably helped. Our family knows gay, and we are comfortable with it. I am happy to say that my wife and kids reacted well and have been very supportive. But here is one issue, and I was hoping you might be able to help me with it. I have been faithful to my wife throughout our marriage. (Thank you Literotica and other online resources for helping in this regard.) Infidelity would have caused her such pain that it is something I could never do. She is fine with the fact I am bi, and she understands that I have been faithful to her throughout our 45 year marriage. She is concerned, however, that now I have come out and am reaching out to others like me for support and friendship, I may give into temptation. It’s not a “gays are promiscuous” issue. It is, instead, a concern that now I am out and will have more access to guys like me, I may be more inclined to stray from the straight (pun intended) and narrow path of fidelity. Basically, she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have assured her that I love her, that this has been a part of me since we were married 45 years ago, that I have been faithful to her throughout our marriage, and that I intend to remain faithful. It may be that this is a “time will tell” issue, and that the only thing that will resolve her concern is continued fidelity. And that is OK, we’ll get there. I was, however, wondering if there was anything else you might suggest.
It seems to me that you have things very well in hand. I really respect someone who respects their marriage vows. No matter what one's orientation it's going to happen that you are attracted to others, what matters is what you do with it. I'm sure it's a lot to process for your wife but it seems like you've given her the tools to do that and been very respectful to her and to your relationship. I wish you well.
Marshall.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. In particular you may want to check out the forums that are titled "Sexual Orientation” and "LGBT Later in Life" there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. When I came out to my wife as gay I expressed the same thing to her. I had not broken my marriage vows and had no intention to do so. My wife and my children were more important to me than any hookup or boyfriend. That was seven years ago and things have gone quite well. As you say perhaps only time will tell. But you can at least share with her that there are men who have come out to their wives not just as bi but as gay and still stayed true to their marriage. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
You have had access to “guys like you” for many years though you have remained faithful which is no small accomplishment. The only difference now is that you’ve trusted your wife to divulge the truth regarding your sexual orientation.
Thanks for your comments. I fully expect things to work out, but in the end I had no choice. I had to open up and share who I truly am. There is an amazing peace from doing so. The fact that I am attracted to both women and men simply means I am still ALIVE! It has nothing to do with my commitment to my wife.
That shows a huge (and sadly, quite rare) integrity of character. Infidelity can be identity-destroying for the cheater's partner. So really, congratulations on that - to me it shows that you really love and respect your wife. I think she might just be wondering why you're telling her if you don't intend to act on it. All you can do is remind her of your fidelity over a long time - a period in which you already knew your sexuality and could have cheated if you'd wanted to. And continue to behave in the same way, further reassuring her by your actions over time. What do you mean by saying you "will have more access to guys like me"? Do you mean that you'll be interacting socially with bi / gay men? Could you include your wife in that so she doesn't perceive it as a threat?
Before I came out I did not let any gay or bi men into my life for fear of being revealed. (Yes, I know, but that is one of the insidious aspects of being in the closet.) That block is now gone, and I look forward to developing new friendships that will include gay and mixed orientation married couples with whom both of us can have friendships. My wife will be happy for me to develop new friendships, but you are correct that I need to keep her in the loop, just I have in the past with straight friends.
It was hard for me to come out Bi to my wife knew I was Bi at 13/14 but held it in and finally came out 4 years ago
We hold it in for so long, afraid of what might happen, and then we realize that we have our our chains and we can break them. Coming out as bi to my wife is the best thing I have ever done. It freed my soul from a great burden, and it manifested my trust in her and our relationship. This is not to say there haven’t been a few bumps along the way, but our relationship is more open and honest and loving today than it was four weeks ago.
